I am what you might call the Vince Lombardi of Fantasy Football.
I never realized it before but it turns out I am a true brain genius when it comes to Fantasy Football strategy. As of last weekend, I am now 135 dollars richer for kicking the crap out of my fellow office drones in a brilliantly executed line up of the best and the brightest in the NFL.
Well, actually it really came down to Donald Driver sucking some major ass in the Monday night game against Baltimore. This girl I had to play for a shot at the championship got incredibly lucky by having Tiki Barber play one of the greatest games of his career the night before. Because of that, I only had a 10 point lead and Donald Driver was Brett Favre’s go-to guy with the entire team having crippling injuries and all.
As much as it pains me to say this, Brett Favre really did me a solid by getting stomped by the Ravens. I thought I was in the clear until Aaron Rodgers, with 2 fumbles and an interception in a glorious debut, made one last attempt to restore some sort of dignity to the Green & Gold. He had 4 chances in the red zone to connect with Donald Driver and shatter my dreams at Fantasy Football glory. I promise you that no one was more on the edge of their seat with the Pack down 30 points late in the fourth quarter than me.
Needless to say, Rodgers followed through with his mediocrity and Driver only put up 6 points which paved the way for Larry, Rudi, and Chad or as I have affectionately labeled them, the Johnson Trinity, to triumph in the super bowl.
And the Vikings didn’t make the playoffs. Could this be the best football season ever!? Oh wait. 3-12. Inevitably 3-13. Shit.
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Monday, December 26, 2005
... and THAT was the most drunk I ever got on Christmas.
Every story should somehow end up on that note.
Before I get into the tomfoolery that transpired over Christmas break, I would just like to wish all of you a Merry Christmas and a Merry New Year. I’d especially like to thank my friend Cody Langeness for being a good sport about last week’s interview. I don’t think he had any idea of what he was getting himself into and the portrait I painted of him kind of made him out to be a huge asshole when in real life, he’s just kind of an asshole. Thanks again, Cody.
Back to Christmas Day, it was a particularly exciting Christmas because I happened to come across a box seat ticket on the 50-yard line for my beloved Packers. I thought the Pack had a reasonable shot at trouncing the Bears until I received a bad omen when I couldn’t fit into my favorite Packer shirt from high school before going to the game. For that reason, I take sole responsibility for last Sunday’s loss.
No, check that, I blame McDonald’s damn dollar menu for last Sunday’s loss. It’s tough to be bitter at those magnificent bastards though. Their introduction of the double cheeseburger (or DCB’s as we affectionately referred to them) to the dollar menu was the greatest innovation to the college food budget since ramen noodles and the 7 Palmero Pizzas for 10 bucks deal at Woodmans.
So anyway, my spirits quickly lifted when I got to the box and found a wide assortment of top shelf booze at my disposal. Free Tanqueray and Grey Goose on Christmas!? I must have been a good boy this year.
I had to restrain myself for most of the game since my boss and his wife were also in attendance, but he left at the start of the fourth quarter which was gametime for me. There was still a lot of drinking to be done and the Bears were making it especially difficult by trying to run out the clock. I started drinking ravenously. It’s impossible for me to enjoy free shit in moderation.
The rest of the night is somewhat of a blur but I do know that I passed out roughly around 9:30 and that my brother was the one who saved me as I was wandering aimlessly down Holmgren Way. Thanks, Joey.
I’m always trying to explore new ways to exploit my blog and in writing this, I found a new one: a public forum for day after drunken apologies. No more “Sorry about last nite, 2 much 2 drink :(” text messages for me. Apologetic blog posts are the way of the future.
Sorry, patrons of Stadium View Bar. I am painfully aware of my lack of dancing skills and had no intention of thrusting them upon you last night. You have complete authority to knock my ass out if I attempt another stunt like that again.
Better yet, you could put a temporary hold on Pour Some Sugar on Me the next I come in. That would really help me out a lot.
Before I get into the tomfoolery that transpired over Christmas break, I would just like to wish all of you a Merry Christmas and a Merry New Year. I’d especially like to thank my friend Cody Langeness for being a good sport about last week’s interview. I don’t think he had any idea of what he was getting himself into and the portrait I painted of him kind of made him out to be a huge asshole when in real life, he’s just kind of an asshole. Thanks again, Cody.
Back to Christmas Day, it was a particularly exciting Christmas because I happened to come across a box seat ticket on the 50-yard line for my beloved Packers. I thought the Pack had a reasonable shot at trouncing the Bears until I received a bad omen when I couldn’t fit into my favorite Packer shirt from high school before going to the game. For that reason, I take sole responsibility for last Sunday’s loss.
No, check that, I blame McDonald’s damn dollar menu for last Sunday’s loss. It’s tough to be bitter at those magnificent bastards though. Their introduction of the double cheeseburger (or DCB’s as we affectionately referred to them) to the dollar menu was the greatest innovation to the college food budget since ramen noodles and the 7 Palmero Pizzas for 10 bucks deal at Woodmans.
So anyway, my spirits quickly lifted when I got to the box and found a wide assortment of top shelf booze at my disposal. Free Tanqueray and Grey Goose on Christmas!? I must have been a good boy this year.
I had to restrain myself for most of the game since my boss and his wife were also in attendance, but he left at the start of the fourth quarter which was gametime for me. There was still a lot of drinking to be done and the Bears were making it especially difficult by trying to run out the clock. I started drinking ravenously. It’s impossible for me to enjoy free shit in moderation.
The rest of the night is somewhat of a blur but I do know that I passed out roughly around 9:30 and that my brother was the one who saved me as I was wandering aimlessly down Holmgren Way. Thanks, Joey.
I’m always trying to explore new ways to exploit my blog and in writing this, I found a new one: a public forum for day after drunken apologies. No more “Sorry about last nite, 2 much 2 drink :(” text messages for me. Apologetic blog posts are the way of the future.
Sorry, patrons of Stadium View Bar. I am painfully aware of my lack of dancing skills and had no intention of thrusting them upon you last night. You have complete authority to knock my ass out if I attempt another stunt like that again.
Better yet, you could put a temporary hold on Pour Some Sugar on Me the next I come in. That would really help me out a lot.
Monday, December 19, 2005
Ego Gone Wild: A Candid Interview with C_
Student. Intern. Drunk.
C_ is all of these and more. This former T.Wall Properties Intern and Real Estate Club President will be finishing up his Real Estate and Finance Degree from the University of Wisconsin-Madison this Spring. An impressive career to say the least. I was able to track down this rising superstar to see what makes his larger than life personality tick. Below are the contents of our interaction:
C_, you’ve just completed a coveted internship with Principal Financial, one of Fortune Magazine’s most admired and respected companies to work for in the country. I think the question everyone is dying to know, what is the tail like down there in Des Moines?
It’s okay, I guess. It gets a lot better when you live there long enough. You have to learn to adapt.
Spoken like a true asshole. It is a well known fact that you are an outspoken advocate for the rights of Pan-Sexual Americans and other like-minded sentients. You’re not fooling anybody, which side do you really sway?
Bite Me
A little hostile tonight, are we? If you died today and went to heaven, what would God say to you?
You wanna beer?
Good answer. You’ll need a drink after hearing this. A recent poll from the Fall 2005 School of Business graduating class revealed that no one likes you. In fact, you only had 5 votes for people that liked you and I’m pretty sure they didn’t understand the poll because they were foreign. One student was quoted as saying,”C_ is a f*%@ing douchbag. That caffeine slut’s term as Real Estate Club president will forever be a stain on this once hallowed institution.” Strangely enough, that was a response from a Chinese kid that voted in favor of you. Your response?
I don’t think that poll is accurate at all.
Well, it is. Statisitics never lie. Don’t dodge the question.
What kind of interview is this?
Fine. We’ll move forward. What would you rather take, a punch in the face from Ivan Drago or a roundhouse kick to the face from Chuck Norris? Because both are going to suck really bad.
Probably Ivan Drago because he doesn’t really exist.
Tell that to Apollo Creed.
What was the other option again?
Nevermind, I’ll ask the next question. Some members from the online and facebook community have said that you might be the next Donald Trump. What do you think of that?
I’d say they are right. Damn Straight.
I was kidding, no one actually said that about you, you arrogant bastard.
Fuck Off
What’s that smell?
Your mom goes to college.
Well, I think this interview went really great. We got a glimpse of the man behind the myth that is C_. Thank you for your time and good night.
C_ is all of these and more. This former T.Wall Properties Intern and Real Estate Club President will be finishing up his Real Estate and Finance Degree from the University of Wisconsin-Madison this Spring. An impressive career to say the least. I was able to track down this rising superstar to see what makes his larger than life personality tick. Below are the contents of our interaction:
C_, you’ve just completed a coveted internship with Principal Financial, one of Fortune Magazine’s most admired and respected companies to work for in the country. I think the question everyone is dying to know, what is the tail like down there in Des Moines?
It’s okay, I guess. It gets a lot better when you live there long enough. You have to learn to adapt.
Spoken like a true asshole. It is a well known fact that you are an outspoken advocate for the rights of Pan-Sexual Americans and other like-minded sentients. You’re not fooling anybody, which side do you really sway?
Bite Me
A little hostile tonight, are we? If you died today and went to heaven, what would God say to you?
You wanna beer?
Good answer. You’ll need a drink after hearing this. A recent poll from the Fall 2005 School of Business graduating class revealed that no one likes you. In fact, you only had 5 votes for people that liked you and I’m pretty sure they didn’t understand the poll because they were foreign. One student was quoted as saying,”C_ is a f*%@ing douchbag. That caffeine slut’s term as Real Estate Club president will forever be a stain on this once hallowed institution.” Strangely enough, that was a response from a Chinese kid that voted in favor of you. Your response?
I don’t think that poll is accurate at all.
Well, it is. Statisitics never lie. Don’t dodge the question.
What kind of interview is this?
Fine. We’ll move forward. What would you rather take, a punch in the face from Ivan Drago or a roundhouse kick to the face from Chuck Norris? Because both are going to suck really bad.
Probably Ivan Drago because he doesn’t really exist.
Tell that to Apollo Creed.
What was the other option again?
Nevermind, I’ll ask the next question. Some members from the online and facebook community have said that you might be the next Donald Trump. What do you think of that?
I’d say they are right. Damn Straight.
I was kidding, no one actually said that about you, you arrogant bastard.
Fuck Off
What’s that smell?
Your mom goes to college.
Well, I think this interview went really great. We got a glimpse of the man behind the myth that is C_. Thank you for your time and good night.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Random Things that are the Greatest - Part I
The following are the greatest because saying that they are my favorite has a lot less impact.
In no particular order:
1. Greatest rock band of all time with an acronym as a name: ELO
2. Greatest rock band of all time in general: ELO
3. Greatest video gamer: Eric Dingledein
4. Greatest gamer at Dr. Mario and Streets of Rage for Sega Genesis: Ben Wollin
(Also, I’m the only person I’ve ever met that can beat Mike Tyson’s Punchout and Rad Racer but I can’t verify if I’m the Greatest at them)
5. Greatest beer ever invented: Miller High Life
6. Greatest Flip Cup Team ever assembled: Me, Busse, Rave, and two guys I don’t know from Minnesota – June 7, 2005 – The night was young, the beer was flowing, magic was in the air. Chugging beer never looked so cool as the five of us decimated a pack of undergrads in three straight survivor tournaments. We had a team average of 1.28 flips per person. It was a fuzzy night to remember.
7. Greatest Quarterback ever: Gee, I wonder…
8. Greatest homemade mayonnaise ever made: Aaron “Dude” VanLieshout’s homemade mayonnaise
9. Greatest Sport: Man Style Air Hockey – An extreme version of Man Style Ping Pong where after every point scored, you get to hurl the air hockey puck at the opponents bare chest. The welts can last up to several weeks. Highly recommended near bar time at The Pub.
10. Greatest War: World War II
11. Greatest new show on television: Nip/Tuck
12. Greatest new show on television without featuring Dr. Troy: Lost
13. Greatest new show on television without featuring Dr. Troy and haunted lottery numbers that is about to be cancelled because people don’t like to laugh: Arrested Development
14. Greatest nerd from Revenge of the Nerds: Booger
15. Greatest zombie movie: Dawn of the Dead
16. Greatest Blog Ever: You’re reading it.
In no particular order:
1. Greatest rock band of all time with an acronym as a name: ELO
2. Greatest rock band of all time in general: ELO
3. Greatest video gamer: Eric Dingledein
4. Greatest gamer at Dr. Mario and Streets of Rage for Sega Genesis: Ben Wollin
(Also, I’m the only person I’ve ever met that can beat Mike Tyson’s Punchout and Rad Racer but I can’t verify if I’m the Greatest at them)
5. Greatest beer ever invented: Miller High Life
6. Greatest Flip Cup Team ever assembled: Me, Busse, Rave, and two guys I don’t know from Minnesota – June 7, 2005 – The night was young, the beer was flowing, magic was in the air. Chugging beer never looked so cool as the five of us decimated a pack of undergrads in three straight survivor tournaments. We had a team average of 1.28 flips per person. It was a fuzzy night to remember.
7. Greatest Quarterback ever: Gee, I wonder…
8. Greatest homemade mayonnaise ever made: Aaron “Dude” VanLieshout’s homemade mayonnaise
9. Greatest Sport: Man Style Air Hockey – An extreme version of Man Style Ping Pong where after every point scored, you get to hurl the air hockey puck at the opponents bare chest. The welts can last up to several weeks. Highly recommended near bar time at The Pub.
10. Greatest War: World War II
11. Greatest new show on television: Nip/Tuck
12. Greatest new show on television without featuring Dr. Troy: Lost
13. Greatest new show on television without featuring Dr. Troy and haunted lottery numbers that is about to be cancelled because people don’t like to laugh: Arrested Development
14. Greatest nerd from Revenge of the Nerds: Booger
15. Greatest zombie movie: Dawn of the Dead
16. Greatest Blog Ever: You’re reading it.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Cell Phone Plans that Kill Relationships
I have had two potential relationships fail due solely to faulty cell phone plans. Before you sign your life away for two years in order to get that spiffy new flip phone, heed my words of caution:
Faulty Plan Number 1: No Nationwide Calling
Last Spring, I went to Paris for a Real Estate Class and met up with this really cute girl from Pennsylvania. We met at this Canadian bar or something and just really hit off. My friends and her friends ended up at this cozy little After Bar where we drank wine all night and the two of us ended up roaming the streets of Paris til the wee hours of the morning. It was like something from a Robert Doisneau picture, I swear to God.
Talk about having an IN, right? Here’s how US Cellular messed it up. Shortly after I got back, I wanted to call her but I only had a Midwest plan and a bullshit one at that. I anticipated talking to her for a long time to catch up (not remembering much about her, tequila and wine don’t mix so well) so I borrowed my buddy’s phone with a nationwide plan to call her. However, she entered MY phone number in France, so, like myself, she probably did not answer a strange number with a fucked up area code.
Self destruction occurred when I tried to explain to her my shitty cell phone plan on her voicemail followed by a suggestion to call me back on my friend’s phone. That didn’t go QUITE the way I planned. Apparently, I learned absolutely NOTHING smooth to say from my stay in the most romantic city in the world. I guess nothing says affection more than wanting to spend 65 cents a minute to talk to a person.
Faulty Plan Number 2: Free Incoming Minutes
So that last girl was a long shot anyway, but this next girl was a little more closer to home. I met her in Milwaukee and she was pretty cute too.
The problem here was that I had free incoming minutes, a sparse amount of anytime minutes, and ZERO night and weekend minutes. When she called me it was fine but when I called her, every conversation started like this:
Ben: Hey, how was your day?
Girl: It was terrible, my dog died, my house burned down, I lost my job, my cat died from a totally unrelated incident to my dog dying, my…
Ben: Oh that sucks, but you know what else sucks? I’m using my limited anytime minutes when you have unlimited night and weekend minutes. Call me back, okay?
Girl: ummm sure. Omigod! My Hamster! It was just alive a minute ago…
Ben: Thanks, babe. Talk to you in a sec.
That got old really quickly. That or she was just too blown away by my amazing sensitivity to her feelings. In either case, whatever relationship we had disappeared like the signal bars on my Kyocera driving through a long tunnel.
Maybe the cause of all this is something more. Like the fact that chicks just hate it when you try to save money around them in general. Or that I’m just used to talking to my buddies on the phone, where we talk in clipped sentences and no conversation lasts more than 15 seconds. All I know it that it wasn’t anything I did at all and scapegoating my cell phone service provider for all my women woes is a hell of a lot easier than a timeout for personal introspection.
If that’s the case, I will be Cingular for a loooooooong time.
Faulty Plan Number 1: No Nationwide Calling
Last Spring, I went to Paris for a Real Estate Class and met up with this really cute girl from Pennsylvania. We met at this Canadian bar or something and just really hit off. My friends and her friends ended up at this cozy little After Bar where we drank wine all night and the two of us ended up roaming the streets of Paris til the wee hours of the morning. It was like something from a Robert Doisneau picture, I swear to God.
Talk about having an IN, right? Here’s how US Cellular messed it up. Shortly after I got back, I wanted to call her but I only had a Midwest plan and a bullshit one at that. I anticipated talking to her for a long time to catch up (not remembering much about her, tequila and wine don’t mix so well) so I borrowed my buddy’s phone with a nationwide plan to call her. However, she entered MY phone number in France, so, like myself, she probably did not answer a strange number with a fucked up area code.
Self destruction occurred when I tried to explain to her my shitty cell phone plan on her voicemail followed by a suggestion to call me back on my friend’s phone. That didn’t go QUITE the way I planned. Apparently, I learned absolutely NOTHING smooth to say from my stay in the most romantic city in the world. I guess nothing says affection more than wanting to spend 65 cents a minute to talk to a person.
Faulty Plan Number 2: Free Incoming Minutes
So that last girl was a long shot anyway, but this next girl was a little more closer to home. I met her in Milwaukee and she was pretty cute too.
The problem here was that I had free incoming minutes, a sparse amount of anytime minutes, and ZERO night and weekend minutes. When she called me it was fine but when I called her, every conversation started like this:
Ben: Hey, how was your day?
Girl: It was terrible, my dog died, my house burned down, I lost my job, my cat died from a totally unrelated incident to my dog dying, my…
Ben: Oh that sucks, but you know what else sucks? I’m using my limited anytime minutes when you have unlimited night and weekend minutes. Call me back, okay?
Girl: ummm sure. Omigod! My Hamster! It was just alive a minute ago…
Ben: Thanks, babe. Talk to you in a sec.
That got old really quickly. That or she was just too blown away by my amazing sensitivity to her feelings. In either case, whatever relationship we had disappeared like the signal bars on my Kyocera driving through a long tunnel.
Maybe the cause of all this is something more. Like the fact that chicks just hate it when you try to save money around them in general. Or that I’m just used to talking to my buddies on the phone, where we talk in clipped sentences and no conversation lasts more than 15 seconds. All I know it that it wasn’t anything I did at all and scapegoating my cell phone service provider for all my women woes is a hell of a lot easier than a timeout for personal introspection.
If that’s the case, I will be Cingular for a loooooooong time.
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