2007: Still No Freakin' Hoverboards

This is bullshit. Seriously.

I was hoping that my treatise on Hoverboards in 2006 would have sparked a creative movement amongst inventors across the world. My dream was to get venture capitalists to divert their precious resources from biotechnology and pharmaceuticals to the more lucrative field of plastic boards floating on cushions of air.

I want a Pit-Bull for God’s sake, not a stupid cure for cancer!


Hoverboards don't work on water. Unless you have power. Or a Pit-Bull (shown on the right).

In a way, though, it was my fault. I did not come up with a realistic solution to bring Hoverboards to the general public. Even though my heart was in the right place when I thought reinstating the former Soviet Union to start a new arms race was the appropriate solution to put Hoverboards into mass production, everyone knows that Rocky Balboa effectively ended Communism for good when he defeated Ivan Drago in 1985.

Therefore a new plan is needed and the approach is three pronged:

1. Create Awareness

I don’t think the average American realizes how dangerously far behind we are in the creation of even a working Hoverboard prototype. Therefore, I suggest that TNT run a 24 hour Back To The Future II marathon on New Years Day, similar to what they do with the A Christmas Story on Christmas Day to create awareness of the problem at hand.

In between commercials, they could show a bunch of news features of little kids crying because there were no Hoverboards under the Christmas tree this year. Then we’ll have a celebrity swoop in there and console the kid. It’ll be a one-two punch because Americans can’t enough of crying kids and celebrities. The net effect of this media blitz will be a call to action that will force the eggheads at NASA or Mattel or wherever to get their heads out of their asses once and for all.

Plus, Back To The Future II is awesome, so at least I’ll be entertained while I nurse my hangover that day.

2. Innovation

Remember the media hype surrounding the Segway when it first debuted a few years ago? The inventor of the Segway promised us a new form of transportation that was going to change the world. We all sat at the edge of our seats, anxiously awaiting this new marvel of technology and how it was going to impact the future.

What did we get? A glorified scooter with a $15,000 price tag. Did it change the world? Hardly. The Segway boasts some of the most sophisticated circuitry and gyroscopic balance mechanisms in any vehicle ever made, but the whole system rests on a dead technology:

The wheel.

The wheel had a great run in its heyday, but the shelf life of this once prominent technology is near expiration. The inventor of the Segway should have realized this in the conceptualization stage of the Segway and scrapped the project right then and there.


Wheels!? Where we're going, we don't need wheels.

But I do think that this dude is mankind’s best bet for creating an operational Hoverboard. He clearly has the brains, financial resources, and risk adverseness to stake a company’s future on a novelty form of transportation. Plus he’s going to want to redeem himself for the whole Segway debacle. We need to sell this guy on the Hoverboard dream as soon as possible.

3. Sponsorship

Everything needs a sponsor these days and I found the perfect fit for the Hoverboard. Think about it for a second. What group of people is responsible for the greatest leaps of technology that still subside in society today? I’m not talking about the internal combustion engine or the microchip processor here, think waaaaaaay farther back from those innovations. I’m talking about the wheel…fire…the fulcrum. Ring any bells?

I’m talking about cavemen of course. Don’t you think they are about due for another big hit? Cavemen could fund Hoverboard research and development in the hopes of getting their dignity back after being forced to earn cash through those Geico commercials. So instead of shilling for car insurance companies, they can, once again, contribute to the advancement of civilization. It’s win/win for everybody.

Call me an idealist, but I honestly think my little plan here will at least get America pointed in the right direction. If not, I already have action plan in place for next year. It involves What Would Marty McFly Do rubber bracelets.

Who's with me here!?



Hoverboards: So easy to use, even a human could ride one.

How to NOT Scalp Packer Tickets

So it turns out I am NOT the crafty negotiator I once thought I was.

It wasn’t my fault though; I was completely blinded by my desire to see Brett Favre trounce the Minnesota Vi-queens in Brett Favre’s possible last game at the motherland of Lambeau Field.

Even though I know Brett Favre is going to play for at least another six or seven seasons, I didn’t want to take any chances missing the game. Although it is a commonly known fact that Brett Favre can not be stopped by any man or manmade object, there was always the possibility that a stray meteorite or a bolt of lightning could take Brett Favre’s right arm out indefinitely.

Or make him, more stronger?

Anyways, Turk “Ding” Freeman and I were scrounging around the hallowed grounds of Green Bay looking for cheap tickets right after the kickoff but things were looking bleak for us, despite the miserable weather that typically scares away the wannabe Packer aficionados. Even after five minutes elapsed from the first quarter, there were only buyers to be seen and no sellers.

We almost abandoned all hope when we came across a dude with two tickets right next to each other. He was a shining beacon of light in a murky tunnel of despair. I would have sold my unborn children into a lifetime of manual labor for those tickets, but luckily my bartering instincts took over. With any luck, we’d be sitting in the stands in moments, scarfing down hot dogs, chugging cold beer, and watching Aaron Kampman crush the bejezus out of the Padawan Viking quarterback.

Talking to the scalper was like talking to Mr. Testeverde, the turbo-tongue teacher from Saved By The Bell. There was a lot of gibberish and a lot of numbers being fired out between the two of us like an old-timey auction. Not a lot of sense was being made and I was really getting caught up in the moment, but I eventually talked the guy down from $200 for both tickets to $160. I should have held out for less but I was getting anxious.

Right as I was about to complete the transaction, this other dude comes out of nowhere with two other tickets and I instinctively yelled $150 to get a better deal.

Sold!

I learned three valuable lessons as the dough left my wallet and the two tickets were clasped in my greedy little hands:

1. When going to a game with a buddy, make sure the tickets you’re buying are NEXT TO EACH OTHER.

2. Make sure the tickets are NOT in the nosebleed section in the corner endzone.

3. It’s probably not wise to buy Packer tickets from a spaz that looks like he’s on crack.

Ding, upon realizing that I way overpaid for two crappy tickets that were on opposite sides of the stadium, promptly swore me off and proceeded to go watch the game with better company at the Sidelines bar off of Ridge Road. To make matters worse, the crackhead that I bought the tickets from kept hounding me and tugging on my arm to give him more money, like my generous contribution to his drug habit wasn’t already good enough.

I deserved it all. By the time I found another buyer, the first quarter was almost complete. There was a nary a soul around by this time so I ended up dumping the extra ticket for twenty big ones to a lucky passerby and then booked ass to my seat for the duration of the game.

I was stewing in anger for most of the football contest (don’t get me started on Bubba Franks) but the miraculous game winning field goal by Dave Rayner in the final minutes made the price of admission almost worthwhile. I was really just hoping to bear witness to the spectacle of a Brett Favre TD pass and to, consequently, rock out to Todd Rungren but there’s always next year.

Now if you excuse me, I have to dust off my calculus book. I’m going to figure out all the mathematical possibilities for the 7 and 8 Pack to get into the playoffs. It’s going to be a long night.

Get your shit together, NFC.



Wanna know what's worse than paying $54 for a single Packer seat in the corner endzone? Paying $130 for it.

txt msgs r STILL 2 cool

BBRRRR! That’s the buzzer and that means time is up.

The correct answer to the question

Is it acceptable for a guy to use smiley faces, winks, exclamation points, etc in a text message?

is… Yes. Within reason.

To illustrate my point, I’ll use a real life example based off a series of exchanges between me and this girl I met last Halloween. I met her at The Pub and she was dressed up as Rainbow Brite, so going forward, she will be called, you guessed it, Rainbow Brite.

What happened was I just kind of bullshitted with Rainbow Brite a little on Halloween and nothing happened but then I ran into her a few weeks later while she was bartending at the Essen Haus. We exchanged phone numbers and it’s been an exciting game of cat and mouse ever since. And by “exciting” I actually mean “tepid” but I’ve been busy lately and don’t even get me started on the November Rule.

One night, Rainbow Brite texted me out of the blue to see if I was downtown to meet up for a drink. I responded with Hey! yadda yadda yadda. I think using Hey! as an opener is a perfectly acceptable way to greet someone you are actually excited to hear from or from someone you just haven’t heard from awhile or from someone you don’t normally correspond with via the text messaging.

Another time when I was hanging out at the Essen Haus, she had a shot of Jager sent to our table. I didn’t get a chance to thank her for it so I texted her when I left the bar Thx for the shot, I owe u one! The exclamation point usage in this scenario is questionable but I still think it worked well given the context.

Later that night, she texted me to ask me what I was doing at the Essen Haus that night. I texted her back saying I was meeting up with friends at the Come Back Inn (a different bar that is connected to the Essen Haus) and that I just popped in to see my fave fraulein :) FYI they make all the waitresses wear lederhosen to go with the German theme of the bar.

Anyways, I thought that text was MONEY. Plus I finally got to apply the two semesters of German classes I took in high school to try and pick up chicks. About time!

I suppose I could have texted her and said just popped in to see my fave fraulein. You see, I am trying to create a candor with you that is light and airy. I am joking and flirting with you and a fun time is being had by all. but I figured the smiley face could say that and more and it wouldn’t have taken 20 minutes to type in.

My whole point here is that unless you’re some kind of James Dean character, leaning up against a wall with your arms crossed, smoking a cigarette and exuding a devil-may-care demeanor, then, no, using emoticons is NOT going to help your image. In fact, if you are that guy, you probably shouldn’t be text messaging at all, unless you just text blank spaces to people, the electronic equivalent of the indifference head nod.

But, if you’re anybody else in the world, why wouldn’t you choose to express yourself a little bit? Since 85% of communication between people is done through body language, doesn’t it make sense to take some liberties with emoticons and slang in that fragile remaining 15% in order to make your text message understandable? To me, if you took all of the examples I mentioned above and used periods in place of everything else, the message would sound like it was being narrated by Stephen Hawking.

On the other hand, you don’t want to sound like a 13 year-old teeny bopper, texting her girlfriend about seeing her crush at Abercrombie the other day (OMG!!! im in luv!!! CML!!!) so I say find a balance that makes you comfortable with your masculinity and stick with it.


Sure he's the most brilliant physicist of all time, but that doesn't mean I want to sound like him when I'm trying to score a date for Saturday night.

txt msgs r 2 cool

I love text messaging. Actually, I love all forms of one-way communication where the receiver can't interupt me. Kind of like a blog...

But really, have you EVER ignored a text message? You can’t because it’s impossible. A person can ignore your phone calls and they can ignore your voicemails but they can’t ignore your text messages. They just have to read it and put up with it no matter what. It’s great.

I only wish I could figure out that T9 bullshit. Sometimes I can literally see people text faster than they can talk and it’s obviously due to the fact that they’ve obtained mastery over the awesome force that is T9. In my case, I think my brain might be too big or something because it never understands the brilliance that is coming from my fingertips.

It’s sort of equivalent to the chess match between the Russian World Champion, Garry Kasparov, and IBM’s super computer, Deep Blue, back in 1997, except in my case, the human out-smarted the computer instead of visa versa.

I suppose I could get a Blackberry or something like that but I just don’t think I’m cool enough for one. Don’t get me wrong, I think I could pull off Bluetooth wireless earpiece cool, but I just don’t think I have the cajones to pull off Blackberry cool. Maybe in another lifetime, I guess.

Switching gears, I honestly don’t know how people ever met up in bars before the advent of text messaging. I think we’ve all experienced the following conversation at least once in our lives:

(ring ring ring)

Drinking Buddy #1: HEY, I’M AT BROTHERS, COME HERE!
Drinking Buddy #2: I’M AT BROTHERS, TOO!
Drinking Buddy #1: WHAT!?
Drinking Buddy #2: I’M AT BROTHERS! I-AM-HERE-RIGHT-NOW!
Drinking Buddy #1: DUDE, I CAN’T HEAR YOU, I’LL CALL YOU LATER!

(click)

Drinking Buddy #3: So was that Drinking Buddy #2? Is he coming out?
Drinking Buddy #1: It doesn’t sound like it. I think he’s with his girlfriend or something.
Drinking Buddy #3: That’s lame.
Drinking Buddy #1: Yeah, I know. Let’s get outta here.

Regular old cell phone technology is basically obsolete on any given weekend night without the ability to send electronic whereabouts to our friends. Thank you, Cingular. I owe you a shot the next time I see you out.

Switching gears again, I would now like to tackle the finer points of cross gender communications and text messaging. In order to accomplish this, I would like to conduct the very first ever Brain Litter poll. I want EVERYONE to participate in this and by EVERYONE, I mean CHICKS:

Is it acceptable for a guy to use smiley faces, winks, exclamation points, etc in a text message?

If the answer is no, then please explain to me how a guy is supposed to joke around or flirt or be playful or whatever via cell phone, keeping in mind that actually calling and talking in a normal conversation is completely out of the question.

The floor is now open for suggestions…


"Mom, why won't girls talk to me?"

Poker Strategems: The Green Bay Kid Method

Last Friday, I got my ass WHOMPED in my first ever no-limit Texas Hold’em Tournament. I actually played pretty well, but I got burnt hard on two hands that, statistically, I should have won. Oh well.

Poker is kind of a funny phenomenon with its incredible rise in popularity over the last few years. I was recently perusing the newsstand section at Barnes & Noble and came across no less than THREE Poker related periodicals. I didn’t realize the game has changed so much that a monthly subscription was needed to replace that Rules to 7 Card Stud bonus card that you get along side the two jokers in a fresh pack of playing cards. A flush still beats a straight, right?

And forget about throwing the game winning touchdown in the Super Bowl; that was your Dad’s fantasy before he started to live vicariously through you. Nowadays, men fantasize about going “all-in” against Johnny Chan, Phil Helmuth, or that dude that looks ridiculously like Tiger Woods in the World Series of Poker at the Horseshoe Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada. Never in the history of time has sitting on one’s ass ever been considered an athletic competition but the programming directors at ESPN will have you think otherwise. I better start drinking and smoking more if I want to be ready for the Championship in 2007.

I kid, I kid. Poker involves a lot of skill, strategy, and lightning-quick probability reasoning. That’s why you see the same guys win these tournaments year after year. Here are some lessons I’ve gleaned on my own so that you can become a poker champion.

1.) No matter how grammatically correct your vernacular is, announcing your intention to play in a Texas Hold Them Tournament will NOT make you sound smarter, in fact, you will look like a complete jackass. Believe me, I know.

2.) You’re going to want to give yourself a nickname, preferably something Texas sounding-ish but a nickname based a different city or state will work fine too. When I sat down at my table on Friday and introduced myself as the “The Green Bay Kid”, I could tell that at least one guy at the table was slightly intimidated.

3.) Never fold out of turn, that’s just annoying.

4.) Every guy wants to be the Matt Damon character from the movie Rounders. You know, the guy that can sit down at a poker table and instantly know exactly what every player has in their hands based on their facial expressions. Even though every player has a “tell”, I still think it’s pure Hollywood when a guy can read that another player has a pair of 6’s, the 2 of hearts, the 9 of spades, the Queen of clubs or something crazy like that after the other player looks at his hand for two seconds.

But I do think a viable Poker strategy is to pretend to be THAT guy on every hand even though you have absolute no idea what’s going on:

Ben: I’m going to raise $100. Bill, you’re chasing a dream with that inside straight draw, and Steve, you know as well as I do that your pair of nines is not going to hold up at the showdown.
Dealer: Um, sir, I haven’t dealt the cards yet.
Ben: Whoops, sorry ‘bout that, fellas. I got a little excited there.

Anyways, make sure the cards are actually dealt before you start asserting what everyone has in their hand. You are sure to confuse your opponents with your peculiar demeanor and irregular betting habits using this strategy and being unpredictable is always good. You might just annoy your way to victory as well.

5. Bluffing is another good strategy; just make sure to only bluff when you have a great hand to back it up.

6. Finally, use Poker lingo whenever possible to describe your hand, i.e. say you have a pair of ladies when you have a pair of queens. When in doubt, make stuff up. You can be logical like calling the 8 of spades and the 8 of clubs, a pair of 8-balls, or call a pair of 4’s, a pair of Favre’s.

The best, though, is when you make up something really abstract and random, like having a 3 and a 9 in your hand before the flop, and calling it the ol’ monkey goblin or something like that. If someone asks you where the term originated from, just shrug and say, “I don’t know, I didn’t make it up,” and then smugly look at him, like HE is the idiot for not knowing what a monkey goblin is.

If you follow these pointers, you are sure to be a big hit at your next Hold’em tournament. Who knows, maybe someday you’ll be going all-in with a monkey goblin against James Bond at the infamous Casino Royale…



Maybe if you get good enough at Poker, you can start wearing uber-lame little boy short swimsuits, too. Kidding, there are probably about five men in the whole world that can pull off this look, and YOU are not one of them.

Axl Rose is a Wiener

Let me be the first one to say it. I was getting ready to do some serious rocking out in the good land of Milwaukee last Wednesday, but a certain Guns N’ Roses concert was CANCELLED because said singer mentioned above was sick.

Now I can understand if he came down with something serious and needed an immediate cure like, say, a gun shot wound, but it wasn’t anything close. It was an EAR INFECTION!

"Hey Axl, my two-year old cousin called; he wants his affliction back."

But seriously, can you imagine the disappointment at the Bradley center on Wednesday night?

“Attention Metalheads, there will be no rocking out this evening; Mr. Rose is suffering from a slight ringing in his ears. You can all go back to your parent’s basement now and reminisce of what might have been. Good night.”

C’Mon! What would the world be like today if Led Zeppelin stopped touring because Robert Plant and Jimmy Paige came down with the sniffles. Or how successful do you think Woodstock would have been if Jimi Hendrix couldn’t perform his rendition of the Star Spangled Banner because of an irritating itch on his lower back that he just-couldn’t-reach.

It would be a pretty bleak future which is what, I guess, is in store for our children if our rock stars stay the course of becoming a bunch of whining assholes. The inconveniences I mentioned above are about the equivalent of what Hack-xl Rose is going through right now but we never heard those Guitar Gods complain. They were too busy expanding our minds with their high octane guitar solos and lobe-bursting drum beats. That AND abusing drugs and alcohol, but, hey, that’s just part of the job.

I should not be putting GnR on the same pedestal as Zep and Hendrix. Maybe it even worked out for the best. After all, Slash is shilling for Volkswagen now and the rest of the original band is touring with Scott Weiland and Velvet Revolver. The concert on Wednesday was essentially going to be the best GnR cover band ever assembled. At the very least, there would have been pyrotechnics, and I am a HUGE fan of fire. Oh well.

One more thing, I got my 50 bucks refunded from those crooks over at Ticketmaster. I wonder how many squirrels I could buy with that…


"WHAT DID YOU SAY!? I CAN'T HEAR YOU! THERE'S RINGING IN MY EARS!"