Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Brain Litter Vacation
Hey everyone, I haven't posted in awhile and I don't plan on posting again for another few weeks. I've got a ton of stuff on my plate right now and I just need a little time to regroup and recharge. Thanks for reading, I'll be writing again soon.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Summer Movie Round Up Thus Far
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
This one ain’t bad. All the Harry Potter movies to come out so far (including HP OotP) have been very adequate outings and fairly faithful to the book, however, none of have yet to be spectacular stand alone works of cinema. They act more like supplements to the books, especially in terms of casting, which has been eerily realistic and now the characters are damn near impossible to imagine outside they’re motion picture counterparts.
However, with the release of this film and the final book coming out, I suggest we all celebrate the occasion by doing the following:
1. When dropping your next fart in a public venue, either saying, “Did someone step on a Blast-Ended Skrewt?” or alternatively, “Something wicked this way comes.”
2. Instead of taking shots of your favorite Tequila, Patron, ask your bartender for shots of Patronus. Useful for attempting to pick up chicks as well as warding off dementors.
The casting for Harry Potter has been fantastic with the exception of a noticeable lack of screen presence from Brett Favre. Can someone say Fenrir Greyback?
Transformers
I give this movie a C- for plot but an A+ for robot on robot violence. There was this one part where this huge robot was fighting this other robot, and they were punching and tackling each other, and then the one robot was like, Fuck You!, so he formed this sword out of nowhere and then he stabbed that other stupid robot in the chest, and that robot died and there was circuits and shit everywhere. It was sweet.
I also have to tip my hat to the product placement in this movie, which you knew was coming so you just had to put up with it, but once the main robot transforms into a shiny new Camaro for the first time onscreen, you just had to laugh and smile and think of the Ford marketing executive banging his head on the wall with each passing syllable, “Why-did-I-let-G-M-C- get-this-con-tract-with-Michael-Bay-I’m-so-stupid-stupid-stupid…”
Live Free or Die Hard
This Die Hard was way better than Die Harder but not as good as Die Hard or Die Hard with a Vengeance. Live Free or Die Hard was a very entertaining movie, but it lost a ton of points with me when Die Hard yells Yippee-Ki-Yeh-Mother... *Gunshot Bang* to edit out the F-bomb because of its PG-13 rating. Weak. Have no fear though, I have come up with several Die Hard titles for Die Hard 5 which, coupled with an R rating, should put Detective John McClane back on track:
1. Die Hard or Go Home
2. Eat Shit and Die Hard
3. Only the Good Die Hard
4. Live and Let Die Hard
5. Between a Rock and a Die Hard Place
6. Die Hard 5: Die Hard Kills a Bunch of Bad Guys and Something Else Happens
7. Die Hard 5: Back To Another Building… But Taller
8. Die Hard 5: The Return of Hans Gruber
Do you think when Die Hard first debuted in Germany, that people initially thought it was a porno?
Ocean’s 13
This movie thinks it is sooooooo coooooool. It’s not that cool actually, but better than the suckfest that was Ocean’s 12.
Knocked Up
Hilarious. Anything with Judd Apatow’s name on it is comic gold. Proceed with caution if you bring a date though. You’ll know what I mean if you see it. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Pirates of the Caribbean 3
This movie pretty much sucked ass. There was too much convoluted mythology and not enough Captain Sparrow swashbuckling around his ship and saying clever one-liners. I never thought it would be possible to screw up a pirate movie but look no further than this tripe.
28 Weeks Later
This movie is about zombies and by definition, zombie movies rule, so logic dictates that this movie rules. I didn’t make the rules here, people. While not as good as its predecessor, I still think this movie makes a great addition to the genre.
Spiderman 3
By far, the biggest let down of the summer so far. Boooooooooo!
This one ain’t bad. All the Harry Potter movies to come out so far (including HP OotP) have been very adequate outings and fairly faithful to the book, however, none of have yet to be spectacular stand alone works of cinema. They act more like supplements to the books, especially in terms of casting, which has been eerily realistic and now the characters are damn near impossible to imagine outside they’re motion picture counterparts.
However, with the release of this film and the final book coming out, I suggest we all celebrate the occasion by doing the following:
1. When dropping your next fart in a public venue, either saying, “Did someone step on a Blast-Ended Skrewt?” or alternatively, “Something wicked this way comes.”
2. Instead of taking shots of your favorite Tequila, Patron, ask your bartender for shots of Patronus. Useful for attempting to pick up chicks as well as warding off dementors.
The casting for Harry Potter has been fantastic with the exception of a noticeable lack of screen presence from Brett Favre. Can someone say Fenrir Greyback?
Transformers
I give this movie a C- for plot but an A+ for robot on robot violence. There was this one part where this huge robot was fighting this other robot, and they were punching and tackling each other, and then the one robot was like, Fuck You!, so he formed this sword out of nowhere and then he stabbed that other stupid robot in the chest, and that robot died and there was circuits and shit everywhere. It was sweet.
I also have to tip my hat to the product placement in this movie, which you knew was coming so you just had to put up with it, but once the main robot transforms into a shiny new Camaro for the first time onscreen, you just had to laugh and smile and think of the Ford marketing executive banging his head on the wall with each passing syllable, “Why-did-I-let-G-M-C- get-this-con-tract-with-Michael-Bay-I’m-so-stupid-stupid-stupid…”
Live Free or Die Hard
This Die Hard was way better than Die Harder but not as good as Die Hard or Die Hard with a Vengeance. Live Free or Die Hard was a very entertaining movie, but it lost a ton of points with me when Die Hard yells Yippee-Ki-Yeh-Mother... *Gunshot Bang* to edit out the F-bomb because of its PG-13 rating. Weak. Have no fear though, I have come up with several Die Hard titles for Die Hard 5 which, coupled with an R rating, should put Detective John McClane back on track:
1. Die Hard or Go Home
2. Eat Shit and Die Hard
3. Only the Good Die Hard
4. Live and Let Die Hard
5. Between a Rock and a Die Hard Place
6. Die Hard 5: Die Hard Kills a Bunch of Bad Guys and Something Else Happens
7. Die Hard 5: Back To Another Building… But Taller
8. Die Hard 5: The Return of Hans Gruber
Do you think when Die Hard first debuted in Germany, that people initially thought it was a porno?
Ocean’s 13
This movie thinks it is sooooooo coooooool. It’s not that cool actually, but better than the suckfest that was Ocean’s 12.
Knocked Up
Hilarious. Anything with Judd Apatow’s name on it is comic gold. Proceed with caution if you bring a date though. You’ll know what I mean if you see it. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Pirates of the Caribbean 3
This movie pretty much sucked ass. There was too much convoluted mythology and not enough Captain Sparrow swashbuckling around his ship and saying clever one-liners. I never thought it would be possible to screw up a pirate movie but look no further than this tripe.
28 Weeks Later
This movie is about zombies and by definition, zombie movies rule, so logic dictates that this movie rules. I didn’t make the rules here, people. While not as good as its predecessor, I still think this movie makes a great addition to the genre.
Spiderman 3
By far, the biggest let down of the summer so far. Boooooooooo!
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
Apparently I Had Low Self Esteem in Middle School
When going through my Joey Wollin entries, I noticed a couple of gems in my journal that really summed up my middle school experience. And luckily for you, the reader, what I couldn’t describe in prose and narrative, I more than compensated with illustrations and diagrams.
To give a little background, Zak Mott was my best friend at the time of these entries and I guess his approval meant more to me than anything else at that time. Even more so than Kyle Nelson, the most popular kid at Parkview Middle School (In Kyle’s defense, his approval came in at a very close second even though he constantly sabotaged my prospects with Katie Knott…so many times).
I always remembered getting along with Zak growing up and he's a good guy now, but he sounds like a real mean bastard in these journal entries. We used to read each other’s journal too, so maybe I was just trying to reach out to him at the time. In any case, to maximize the impact of reading this post, I recommend listening to The Offspring’s Self Esteem in the background.
I used FAT letters to write the word ‘FAT’ to show that I meant business.
Wow, I really sound like not a man in this journal entry. I remember being kind of chubby in middle school, but, man, I was really hard on myself. Well I guess my raging hormones at the time had to be hard on myself for something besides my high pitched cracking voice, startling new body transformations, and my newfound interest (and crippling fear) in the opposite sex.
I just like, as a side thought for that day, I might as well add an appendix in the margin of who I hated at the time. Well not hated per say, apparently hate was too strong of a word. What’s really funny about that sidebar and amongst the many other angst ridden rants from my adolescence is that many of the people that tormented me throughout puberty became really good buddies with me in the years to follow. In fact, if I had to make a list a definitive list of people I didn’t like in middle school, it would be eerily similar to a list of people that I was roommates with in college.
But wait, there’s more:
Stink Lines! I drew the stink lines to signify that I smelled bad. In case there was any question as to the true meaning of the stink lines, I also labeled the stink lines as “stinky smell”.
Those stink lines are bullshit too. There was nothing wrong with my personal hygiene in middle school. I remember smelling so fresh and so clean clean throughout my youth which is why I didn’t need to use deodorant until my senior year of high school. Even then, I still felt like it was an elective toiletry.
I wish I could say the same about my gigantic elvish chin and my obnoxious laugh but sadly, to this day, they remain both Jay Leno-ish and donkey-like respectively.
I kept the top part of that journal entry, solely for the great The State reference at the end. Who doesn’t love Louie, that lovable Italian who was always dipping his balls into things. My favorite Louie sketch was when Louie crashed the Last Supper and Jesus had to take him aside and calmly explain to him, that although he loved his-dipping-his-balls-into-things shtick, it was interfering with him, you know, giving salvation and eternal life to all mankind. That’s just great comedy, anyway you slice it.
As you can see, puberty and I were not best friends growing up. Luckily my friends discovered my great sense of humor and wry wit later in high school and life has been one great thrill ride ever since. Coincidently, this “discovery” occurred right around the time I turned 16 and got a car before everyone else, the summer before sophomore year. My personality sparkled like a shooting star as I designated drivered my drunk friends home every weekend, yes sir, it did.
Just for kicks, I thought I’d show schematics for that Water Balloon Bazooka I briefly mentioned in a previous post. Not so much anything to do with surviving puberty, but more so because I still really want to build this thing. I can’t explain my fascination with projectile weaponry, but let me tell you, it runs deep.
Who wants to build this with me!? It sounds like a recipe for a pretty fun afternoon at the Home Depot, if you ask me.
To give a little background, Zak Mott was my best friend at the time of these entries and I guess his approval meant more to me than anything else at that time. Even more so than Kyle Nelson, the most popular kid at Parkview Middle School (In Kyle’s defense, his approval came in at a very close second even though he constantly sabotaged my prospects with Katie Knott…so many times).
I always remembered getting along with Zak growing up and he's a good guy now, but he sounds like a real mean bastard in these journal entries. We used to read each other’s journal too, so maybe I was just trying to reach out to him at the time. In any case, to maximize the impact of reading this post, I recommend listening to The Offspring’s Self Esteem in the background.
I used FAT letters to write the word ‘FAT’ to show that I meant business.
Wow, I really sound like not a man in this journal entry. I remember being kind of chubby in middle school, but, man, I was really hard on myself. Well I guess my raging hormones at the time had to be hard on myself for something besides my high pitched cracking voice, startling new body transformations, and my newfound interest (and crippling fear) in the opposite sex.
I just like, as a side thought for that day, I might as well add an appendix in the margin of who I hated at the time. Well not hated per say, apparently hate was too strong of a word. What’s really funny about that sidebar and amongst the many other angst ridden rants from my adolescence is that many of the people that tormented me throughout puberty became really good buddies with me in the years to follow. In fact, if I had to make a list a definitive list of people I didn’t like in middle school, it would be eerily similar to a list of people that I was roommates with in college.
But wait, there’s more:
Stink Lines! I drew the stink lines to signify that I smelled bad. In case there was any question as to the true meaning of the stink lines, I also labeled the stink lines as “stinky smell”.
Those stink lines are bullshit too. There was nothing wrong with my personal hygiene in middle school. I remember smelling so fresh and so clean clean throughout my youth which is why I didn’t need to use deodorant until my senior year of high school. Even then, I still felt like it was an elective toiletry.
I wish I could say the same about my gigantic elvish chin and my obnoxious laugh but sadly, to this day, they remain both Jay Leno-ish and donkey-like respectively.
I kept the top part of that journal entry, solely for the great The State reference at the end. Who doesn’t love Louie, that lovable Italian who was always dipping his balls into things. My favorite Louie sketch was when Louie crashed the Last Supper and Jesus had to take him aside and calmly explain to him, that although he loved his-dipping-his-balls-into-things shtick, it was interfering with him, you know, giving salvation and eternal life to all mankind. That’s just great comedy, anyway you slice it.
As you can see, puberty and I were not best friends growing up. Luckily my friends discovered my great sense of humor and wry wit later in high school and life has been one great thrill ride ever since. Coincidently, this “discovery” occurred right around the time I turned 16 and got a car before everyone else, the summer before sophomore year. My personality sparkled like a shooting star as I designated drivered my drunk friends home every weekend, yes sir, it did.
Just for kicks, I thought I’d show schematics for that Water Balloon Bazooka I briefly mentioned in a previous post. Not so much anything to do with surviving puberty, but more so because I still really want to build this thing. I can’t explain my fascination with projectile weaponry, but let me tell you, it runs deep.
Who wants to build this with me!? It sounds like a recipe for a pretty fun afternoon at the Home Depot, if you ask me.
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