Ola amigos, sorry for the delay, I have been swamped these past two weeks which left me little time for bloggin’. Most notably, I spent the last weekend in Las Vegas, Nevada. I wish I had some crazy stories to bring back from my trip, but I have none so I’m just going to rant for a little bit and hope I can save you, the reader, a little bit of money the next time you are in Sin City.
The trip started off with a dubious omen. My plan for this trip was to be Mr. Too Cool For School when gallivanting around town and by that, I mean I wanted a slick new blazer so I went to Macy’s the night before and found this sweet Calvin Klein pinstripe blazer that was expensive but it was 40% off. The sales guy sold me when he told me I could save an additional 15% by opening up a charge card.
Denied. Which is impossible because I have awesome credit so that put me in a foul mood. I later found out it was because I gave them conflicting address information. Either way you look at it, I was down fifty some dollars and I hadn’t even rolled the dice yet. This would be the least of my worries.
The first night I lost $400. Fast. I played poker for a few hours and promptly got my ass handed to me. Then I lost 17 out of 18 hands of Let It Ride, which I’m pretty sure is statistically impossible. Then I piddled away a few bucks playing roulette and craps and then went to bed around 2:30 am, ridiculously early for Vegas time but it has been a long day.
My only consolidation was that some dude told me I had a slick blazer at the craps table. At least my plan for looking like Mr. Too Cool For School was panning out.
The next day I foolishly took the over bet on Wisconsin (it was only 115, a lock in my opinion) and made some other crazy parlay basketball bets that never came to fruition. Then I lost another hundo playing this goofy blackjack variant. The highlight of the day was discovering Earl of Sandwich. That place makes awesome sandwiches.
It was now time for me to consult the ATM machine. Denied. Again. For reasons unknown and that I still need to figure out but, in any event, I had to take a cash advance on my credit card which only cost a teeny tiny surcharge of $37. I would never advise this course of action under any normal circumstances, but it wasn’t like I was just going to hang out and not gamble for the rest of the weekend.
So I ended up paying the fee and played a four hour session of $3/$6 limit Hold ‘Em at Planet Hollywood. I walked away from the table with negative five dollars, a clear and resounding victory for me. Plus I saw…yep, you guessed it, David Hasselhoff. He was hanging out in the bar right behind me. The place went nuts, he took a bunch of pictures with some fans and then presumably went back to his hotel room to drink whisky and eat whoppers. I guess the stars really do hang out at Planet Hollywood.
Exuberating Teddy KGB-like confidence from my negative five dollar bonanza, I walked back to the Aria where I set up shop at the $9-$18 high/low Omaha table where me and $150 quickly parted ways. A word of advice, never sit down at a poker table with solemn looking guys peering behind huge stacks of chips and looking like they are not having any fun whatsoever. The guys at that table were clearly local sharks and I was their meal for the evening.
Feeling like my luck couldn’t possibly get any worse, I tried to turn things around at the craps tables where I immediately crapped out three times in a row before ever hitting a point. I ran away from the table before getting my ass kicked. The minimum bet was $25 and there were at least 8 people at the table, I effectively wiped out $600 in value in less than 2 minutes. My bad luck was spreading.
This was a new low for me. I know I was going to lose money on the trip but not this fast and not without winning a little in return. I was getting irate about everything. I was annoyed that the hotel was too big and you had to walk 10 miles to get anywhere. I was pissed that my friends were split up most of the time and we didn’t go to any shows or anything. And most of all I was disgusted with the idea of gambling. It’s a dirty, sinful, rotten business which is why these casinos need to be so glitzy and spectacular in order to disguise the fact that they are openly robbing you. I was depressed and I wanted to go home and I still had one more day to go.
Of course the next day was a blast. I ate a kick ass breakfast, hung out pool side, rode the roller coaster at New York New York, ate cheese steaks, and most importantly, finally won a five hour poker session playing with a bunch of locals. I made a $170 of pure profit, I was playing smart poker on top of hitting a lot of big river cards. I was unstoppable.
And that’s what Vegas does. Just when you are about to swear Vegas off forever, the force that is luck gives you a little nibble and you are already planning your next trip. Such is life.
One final tip, the smartest way to gamble and drink in Vegas is to play low limit poker. You could theoretically just throw in your blinds and get really drunk over the course of a few hours. The waitresses are really fast in the poker pits. Plus you could sit around and wait for pocket aces and have your tips and antes paid for on no-brainer hands. You’re welcome.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Monday, March 08, 2010
Long John Silvers? Never. Again.
Before I embark on this particular rant, I would like to direct your attention to the following thing of journalism concerning the capture of the two skanks that robbed my roommate the other weekend.
ATM Card Thieves Targeted Drunks in Downtown Green Bay, Police Say
Justice is served! I say we send Mandisa and Brittaney to the Big House. You know what I’m talking about…Alcatraz!
Yep, they are not going to be taking advantage of any drunks like Greg Altmann where they are going. But on the plus side, going to jail would SIGNIFICANTLY lower the possibility of dining at a Long John Silvers, which is what I really wanted to get at tonight.
Last Saturday, I was driving down Oneida Street, not even hungry, when I passed that unholy marriage of a restaurant, the Long John Silvers/KFC and I thought to myself, you know what, I have never eaten there before. In fact, I have never even met anyone who has ever eaten there before either.
Now I know why.
I whipped a quick u-turn, pulled up to the menu, and was immediately skeptical. First, they don’t have chicken, they have chicken PLANKS. Why couldn’t they just call it chicken? It’s like they had to remind you that the food you are about to eat is extremely processed. Nothing, and I mean nothing, comes from mother nature in plank form, I don’t care what anybody says.
Second, all of the fish options looked disgusting. I’m sorry, trapezoidal fish sticks do not appeal to me. When you are a multinational fast food conglomerate specializing in seafood and you can’t even make an appealing menu board, you know you got problems.
But I settled on the popcorn shrimp combo and went on my merry way, specifically reminding the cashier that I wanted cocktail sauce. Of course they then forgot to give it to me. That was the least of my worries.
The meal was served in one giant container, all mashed together on what appeared to be material mice collect to sleep on in their dens. Except that would be an insult to mice dens. Seriously, it looked like they just swept the floor, gathered the crumbs on a pan, and then thought it would be a good idea to serve my food on it. Gross.
The shrimp and fries were soggy and mediocre at best. But there was light at the end of the tunnel because I had two donut holes that apparently came with the meal. Or so I thought. I mean, they looked like donut holes and they felt like donut holes, but brother, they ain’t donut holes!
These things had the consistency of donut holes but they must just deep fry it in the same vat as the trapezoidal fish sticks because it tasted like cod bread. Boy was I surprised. A perfect end to a perfect meal.
I still had a bad taste in my mouth the next day so I went to a place where I could get real food i.e. I went to Culvers. That place is the gold standard of fast food, fo sho.
You probably think my food habits are disgusting but it was my last hooray before going on this crazy diet for the next 10 days where I only eat fruits and vegetables as part of a cleansing process. You think I’m joking, but I got an honest to God pineapple in the fridge to prove it. That is going to be meal for me at some point his week. A pineapple. Who buys a real pineapple? It’s craziness I tell ya.
ATM Card Thieves Targeted Drunks in Downtown Green Bay, Police Say
Justice is served! I say we send Mandisa and Brittaney to the Big House. You know what I’m talking about…Alcatraz!
Yep, they are not going to be taking advantage of any drunks like Greg Altmann where they are going. But on the plus side, going to jail would SIGNIFICANTLY lower the possibility of dining at a Long John Silvers, which is what I really wanted to get at tonight.
Last Saturday, I was driving down Oneida Street, not even hungry, when I passed that unholy marriage of a restaurant, the Long John Silvers/KFC and I thought to myself, you know what, I have never eaten there before. In fact, I have never even met anyone who has ever eaten there before either.
Now I know why.
I whipped a quick u-turn, pulled up to the menu, and was immediately skeptical. First, they don’t have chicken, they have chicken PLANKS. Why couldn’t they just call it chicken? It’s like they had to remind you that the food you are about to eat is extremely processed. Nothing, and I mean nothing, comes from mother nature in plank form, I don’t care what anybody says.
Second, all of the fish options looked disgusting. I’m sorry, trapezoidal fish sticks do not appeal to me. When you are a multinational fast food conglomerate specializing in seafood and you can’t even make an appealing menu board, you know you got problems.
But I settled on the popcorn shrimp combo and went on my merry way, specifically reminding the cashier that I wanted cocktail sauce. Of course they then forgot to give it to me. That was the least of my worries.
The meal was served in one giant container, all mashed together on what appeared to be material mice collect to sleep on in their dens. Except that would be an insult to mice dens. Seriously, it looked like they just swept the floor, gathered the crumbs on a pan, and then thought it would be a good idea to serve my food on it. Gross.
The shrimp and fries were soggy and mediocre at best. But there was light at the end of the tunnel because I had two donut holes that apparently came with the meal. Or so I thought. I mean, they looked like donut holes and they felt like donut holes, but brother, they ain’t donut holes!
These things had the consistency of donut holes but they must just deep fry it in the same vat as the trapezoidal fish sticks because it tasted like cod bread. Boy was I surprised. A perfect end to a perfect meal.
I still had a bad taste in my mouth the next day so I went to a place where I could get real food i.e. I went to Culvers. That place is the gold standard of fast food, fo sho.
You probably think my food habits are disgusting but it was my last hooray before going on this crazy diet for the next 10 days where I only eat fruits and vegetables as part of a cleansing process. You think I’m joking, but I got an honest to God pineapple in the fridge to prove it. That is going to be meal for me at some point his week. A pineapple. Who buys a real pineapple? It’s craziness I tell ya.
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