Free Packer Viking Tickets and Dane Cook Reviewed

Here are the steps needed to take to get free tickets to the upcoming clash between the Pack and the Vikes next Sunday.

1.) Download this picture.



2.) Print it out on 100 t-shirts (no caption, the pic speaks for itself), let’s say at 5 bucks a pop
3.) Drive to Minneapolis on Nov. 21
4.) Set up shop at the Metrodome parking lot
5.) Sell said t-shirts for $15 apiece
6.) Take the $1000 profit, buy some scalped tickets, use the rest towards beer, food, gas, and if there’s money left over, treat yourself to a Caribou coffee.
7.) You’re welcome.

Of course this all contingent on Brad Childress having a job next week, which is a 50/50 proposition but if the Vikes manage to eek out another win and Childress manages to cling on to his job for another week, you better believe the people of Minnesota are going to be clamoring for Brad Childress rape van t-shirts, this much I can promise you.

Then again, my first foray into novelty t-shirt sales was a disaster. If you don’t believe me, you can ask the garbage bag full of navy blue t-shirts that simply say “43,560” across the chest that’s gathering dust in my closet right now. I really thought they would be a hit at a real estate analyst conference I went to a few years back. They weren’t.

I wanted to use a Brad Childress rape van as a transition into my next bit, a review of the Dane Cook show last night at the Resch Center. How are the two related? I’ll get there in a moment.

First, I thought the warm up comedians provided more laughs than the main event. I don’t know if it was because they were funnier or because I had to pee pretty much the entire time Dane Cook was performing but in the future, I am going to avoid slamming an extra large, spiked Dr. Pepper before any show with limited opportunities for bathroom breaks.

Second, when the warm up comedians were finished, there was video introduction that went on a little too long followed by, not kidding, at least 20 security personnel to escort Dane on the stage which I thought was excessive and a little pretentious.

The show itself was pretty good. Dane Cook is a hell of a story teller and a pretty good singer too, surprisingly. The rendition of the Revenge of the Nerds theme song at the end was particularly inspiring. And his routine was all new stuff, for me it was anyways, although it was very familiar to his other routines in the past.

In general, the show was exactly what I expected except for one thing. He did not pander to the audience one time. No references to Lambeau Field, no references to Krolls or Stadium View or some local establishment, no references to anything. When I pay for $30 for a comedy show and $15 on top of that for the mafia extortion Ticketstar fees, I expect to be pandered to, at least a little bit, or else I feel ripped off.

At the end of the show, Dane and the three other comedians did a musical finale where they sang this chorus (that’s still stuck in my head) “that’s probably a bad idea” and then they took turns doing one liners, most of them referencing their previous comedy bits. When they got into this rhythm, I immediately thought of all the local or immediately topical jokes ripped from the headlines they could have done during these riffs.

If Dane or any of the other comedians did some research or even picked up a newspaper, they could have said something like, “hiring Brad Childress to coach your football team”, followed by “that’s probably a bad idea” and BOOM the crowd would have went berserker, I know they would have, and they could have ended on a high note. Pandering accomplished, on to the next town. But they didn’t and that’s kind of a bummer.

Headlining Entertainers coming to Green Bay, DO YOUR HOMEWORK. We like references to us. We like Packers and drinking and putting cheese on stuff. The stereotypes about us are true. It shouldn’t be THAT difficult.

Stuff I listened to in Middle School is NOT Classic Rock

I was listening to the radio the other day when all of a sudden “When I Come Around” started playing on 93.5 WOZZ. At first, I thought, sweet, they are playing Green Day on the classic rock station now. Then I thought, oh shit, they are playing Green Day on the classic rock station now.

First of all, I’m all for Green Day becoming part of the classic rock canon some day. I mean who doesn’t love the wild shirtless lyrics of Billy Joe Armstrong? The bong-rattling bass of Mike Dirnt? The competent drumwork of Tre Cool?

But you shouldn’t be classified as classic rock if you are still actively making music towards your original core demographic. Green Day still successfully fills up stadiums for teenagers, just like they did back in 1994, therefore they don’t even meet the bare minimum standards of classic rock.

To be eligible for classic rock designation, your band should to have break up and get back together a few times, unsuccessfully reinvent yourself at least once or twice, release a few albums that flop on the billboard charts, disappear completely for a few years and then eventually wind up on the Indian Casino and County Fair touring circuit. If you get booed for attempting to play some new stuff, you know you are classic rock.

Then again it could just be me that is out of touch with what is going on in the music industry. On the way to work today, I heard not one but TWO of possibly the worst lyrics ever committed to song.

The first one, I’m sure you heard before but you probably didn’t realize how lame it is. “Party on the White House lawn, wake up Barack and Michelle and let ‘em know that it’s on”.

I actually like the song “I Like It” before this part, hell I can fist pump like the rest of them. In fact, I basically invented the fist pump, it's one of my signature moves. If you see another Jersey Shore-based music video that features head bobbing and extreme shoulder shrugging, you know they are copying me.

But I cringe every time I hear the part about partying with the president, not for the politics, but I just don’t understand why a song about youth, having fun, and partying would want to associate itself with the most authoritative position in the free world. It’s the extreme opposite of rebellion. I can think of about a billion more places to party that would be more fun than the White House. The corollary to this would be like having Lady Gaga write a church hymm. No, thanks.

The other lyric I just heard today and boy was it bad. It sounded like Pink and I don’t know the name of the song but at the end she utters something to the effect of “too school for cool.”

I shit you not. Somebody thought that lyric was a good idea. Lame. Super lame.

I was so frustrated in the car, I almost tuned in to AM talk radio. That’s how bad it got. It doesn’t help that Green Bay has God awful morning talk show personalities. That John Maino on WIXX is a real darsh, someone needs to be an ambassador for microphones everywhere and get a restraining order from him on their behalf.

In the meantime, let’s keep Green Day where it belongs, on 105.7 and 106.7. And play more Offspring too, while you’re at it.

Election Day and Brett Favre's Dong

Election Day is tomorrow and you know what that means? No more stupid political ads on TV, can I get a hoo-rah!?

Unfortunately, that will probably be the best net result once the election season is over, regardless of what candidate wins. I use the term “win” loosely because all the candidates are losers. Nothing is going to change and that is frustrating.

I really like the idea of the Tea Party and their ideology but our current political system will inherently eat them alive. The problem with politics is that some of the very best ideas involve making a hundred million people a teeny tiny little bit better off at the expense of pissing off a disproportionately small but vocal and sympathetic group of people.

For example, if I were in a position in power, the first thing I would do is abolish the penny. Seriously. I’ve explained this before. I would save the American people a buck or two in taxes because pennies are subsidized and cost more to make than they are actually worth and make all Americans a wee bit better off because everyone hates pennies because they smell worse than my the roof of my dog's mouth.

But then two things would happen. Either 1.) someone would write a newspaper story about all the penny factory workers losing their jobs and they would picket and everyone would feel sorry for them and vote me out of office or 2.) the powerful zinc and copper lobbyists would cut my campaign funds and back some other pro-penny candidate and I would be voted out of office. Either way I lose so I end up adding a rider to some useless bill mandating the expansion of our penny factories across the country. Sucks.

Of course this is all hypothetical. If I ever ran for office, I’m pretty this picture I got tagged from facebook over the weekend would surface and derail that pipedream pretty quickly.



Sex Text Favre will be a tough one to bounce back from, not going to lie to you. It’s unfortunate, because my only crime is being really clever at coming up with topical Halloween costumes. Or obscure movie characters from the 80’s. I’m good at that, too.

The other travesty is that I think I have the political experience and acumen to really make a difference if I ran for office. Most of you probably know that I was the first student council president of Danz Elementary School in 1992. I can’t remember if I ran on a platform of budget constraint and fiscal conservancy or putting the principal in a dunk tank booth at our annual carnival but one thing I know for sure; I ran an effective administration then and I could do it again now…all the way to the White House.

But Facebook is going to have me by the balls so what is the point? How is our generation ever going to be taken seriously when running for office someday? I guarantee Facebook has some server storing every picture ever published in order to blackmail our generation when we eventually sober up. How else is that thing going to make money? It ain’t from selling banner ads for ironic t-shirts, that is for sure.

My guess is that Joe Daniels is going to end up running the country, since he is the last man standing on Earth without a Facebook account. May God help us all.

In the meantime, get out and vote tomorrow, and if you really want to make a difference, thank a policy maker for saving you and your future kids a couple of bucks in taxes (if they are making difficult budget cuts). They could use your support. Complain about pennies, too. And watch Walking Dead on AMC, it’s an awesome show and I don’t want it cancelled.


Here's a nice picture of me and my girlfriend and my big fake wang hanging out. You can't tell here but I was wearing crocs. Those stupid things cost $30 bucks! Totally worth it, though.