How to NOT Get Robbed By Two Prostitutes This Weekend

Before we get into that, let me tell you about the rest of my crazy weekend. It started off really cool, my brother convinced me to do the Polar Plunge in Oshkosh and boy oh boy it sure was cold but it was for a good cause so…hmm…you know what? Gold jacket, green jacket, who gives a shit?

Let’s talk about them prostitutes!

So this story didn’t actually happen to me, but it happened to somebody I know very well. I’m not going to give away any name because it’s kind of embarrassing for him but I will give you a hint. He used to be the starting quarterback for Ashwaubenon High School, he graduated in 2000, and his name is Gregory Lorenzo Altmann.

Whoops. So anyways Gregory Lorenzo was out and about, tearing up downtown on a Friday night just like any other when he fatefully strolled into the fine establishment they call Stirrups on Washington Street. Upon entering the premises, he came across two attractive African American ladies so naturally he approached these two young ladies and said what anyone would have said in his situation.

“So……you girls don’t belong here.”

Only Greg could get away with that line. I can imagine the shit eating grin on his face when he said it.

After that immortal ice breaker, they ended up having a few cocktails and a few more cocktails after that until it was bar time. This is where it gets interesting.

Greg has a hockey buddy that lives in the apartments near Stirrups so Greg thought it would be a swell idea to get an A-bar going with these lovely ladies of the night. Keep in mind that he didn’t know they were prostitutes.

Well, to be honest, we can’t actually confirm they were prostitutes but when Greg suggested they go back to his buddy’s place to party, these girls suggested they go to an ATM first because cops don’t go to ATMs before “partying”.

Wow. That’s not suspicious at all.

But dipshit must have thought that this request was just par for the course because he drove them to the nearest ATM, took out a token amount of $10 from the machine, and then continued on their way.

Greg must not have known the solicitation jargon or something because when he dropped them off at their car, instead of following him back, they just went on their merry way.

Then today Greg discovered that his ATM card was missing. You know what else was missing?

$400 bucks from his checking account! Eh Oh!

Tonight we tried to solve the mystery of how the ATM card disappeared. He swears he didn’t hug them good bye or anything like that and they didn’t get close enough to him to physically take his wallet from his pocket. He still had cash, which is weird.

But Sherlock Wollin figured out the caper. There were two girls with him in his car so I think the one in the back seat got his pin number when he went to the ATM. The cop excuse was just a ruse. Then they created a diversion to get Greg to drive away before he could retrieve his card from the machine. These chicks are like the Danny Ocean’s of Green Bay bar time.

When I asked Greg if this sounded plausible he said yeah probably, but his memory is fuzzy because of the afformentioned cocktails that were consumed at Stirrups. After he dropped the girls off, they must have went straight back to the ATM machine. But I think they had a third accomplice waiting to snatch the card. I’m almost positive the third accomplice is the crotchety old man that runs the haunted amusement park two towns over.

I think we can all take away a valuable lesson from this. When soliciting a hooker, it’s wise to have a designated ATM card with only a little bit of cash on it when it inevitably gets stolen. I don’t know about you guys. That’s what I got out of it.