The girl cannot suck at Volleyball.
I know that may seem weird and random, and it is. I’m not all that great at Volleyball myself. I don’t even particularly like the sport that much. It’s just when screening potential candidates as relationship material, it’s really important to me that the girl has the rudimentary skills to knock a soft inflated rubber ball over a stupid net.
This all stems back to middle school when nothing was more important than winning the whatever game of the week in gym class. Can you think of anything more annoying than that one girl in every class who ducked and screamed whenever the ball was hit to her? Or when it was her turn to serve, could not hit the ball over the net to save her life? And then she would giggle because she thought she was being cute. You weren’t. You cost the team a point and you wasted everyone’s time. The only thing you could do about it was pray she wasn’t on your team next week. On a side note: I was definitely the asshole who always hit the ball in her direction if that girl was on the other team - like I said before, gym is super important at that age.
Objectively, if I was to continue seeing a girl, I would have to get her to play beach volleyball at some point and I’d like to see her serve the ball in bounds at least 57% of the time and she we would have to be good enough to not be singled out as an automatic point by our opponents because, sadly, those assholes still exist. I’d even be willing to cut the girl some slack if we were drinking lots of those barley and hops flavored soda’s that I am so very fond of. I feel I am being pretty fair about this and I think a lot of dudes would feel the same way.
You can tell a lot about someone by how they play volleyball. Ladies, please don’t be a giggle monster out there.
Monday, September 26, 2005
Monday, September 12, 2005
The Roommate of Emily Rose
I want to know the story of Emily Rose’s college roommate.
You thought your roommate was bad. Seriously, just imagine the stories this girl came home with on that first Thanksgiving freshmen year. I think it would go a little something like this:
“Omigod, my roommate is such a bitch. I was listening to my Britney Spears CD and she was like, could you turn that down, and I was like, whatever. Can you believe that!? What a slut!”
“Yeah, I kinda know what you mean. My roommate sometimes wakes up at three in the morning and gets all contortled on the ground and starts screeching in 2000 year old dead languages. Normally, I wouldn’t mind but I have class at 8 in the morning.”
And what’s the deal with this boyfriend guy she has? This guy was SO lonely, he had to resort to the possessed girl down the hall? Did he lose a bet or something? I mean I’ve been alone on a Saturday night before but C’Mon! On the bright side, your women problems pale in comparison to this dude.
“Hey man, did you get in a fight or something?”
“Yeah, sort of, my girlfriend tried scratching my eyes out again. I guess I deserve it though, I mean I DID try to stop her from eating those cockroaches in her room. She hates that. But it could have been worse, it’s not like she has fingernails, right?”
Exorcism’s rock. They’re almost as cool as zombies.
You thought your roommate was bad. Seriously, just imagine the stories this girl came home with on that first Thanksgiving freshmen year. I think it would go a little something like this:
“Omigod, my roommate is such a bitch. I was listening to my Britney Spears CD and she was like, could you turn that down, and I was like, whatever. Can you believe that!? What a slut!”
“Yeah, I kinda know what you mean. My roommate sometimes wakes up at three in the morning and gets all contortled on the ground and starts screeching in 2000 year old dead languages. Normally, I wouldn’t mind but I have class at 8 in the morning.”
And what’s the deal with this boyfriend guy she has? This guy was SO lonely, he had to resort to the possessed girl down the hall? Did he lose a bet or something? I mean I’ve been alone on a Saturday night before but C’Mon! On the bright side, your women problems pale in comparison to this dude.
“Hey man, did you get in a fight or something?”
“Yeah, sort of, my girlfriend tried scratching my eyes out again. I guess I deserve it though, I mean I DID try to stop her from eating those cockroaches in her room. She hates that. But it could have been worse, it’s not like she has fingernails, right?”
Exorcism’s rock. They’re almost as cool as zombies.
Sunday, September 04, 2005
3 Pick-Up lines that could potentially be really great
#1 “I’m Wayne Gretsky, the Greatest Hockey Player ever!”
This line isn’t theoretical actually, my buddy actually used this line once, even though I’m pretty sure he doesn’t remember it. It wasn’t so much aimed at a particular girl either, he just kind of sprayed this line in every general direction, not caring who it hit. In any case, it attracted the attention of some pretty cute girls. Whether they thought it was amusing or they just thought my friend was an idiot (more likely the latter), who knows, he got a conversation started. Drunk Assholes: 1 Chicks: 0.
#2 “Hi, did you know that my grandpa was one of the forefathers of modern flight? He was that one guy you see in old-timey movies about airplanes before the Wright Brothers. Not that guy with the bi-plane with like 5 stacked wings that falls apart after about 2 seconds but that one dude with the contraption that looks like 2 giant horizontal cymbals that’s just pumping away but you know that jackass isn’t going anywhere but no one is that fucking stupid to think something like that would work.”
I know this line is little long winded to say the least, especially in a packed tavern, but I’ll give you 2 reasons why it will work:
1.) Old-Timey movies are funny. I think, at least subconsciously, everyone has seen that footage somewhere in their lives. It is arguably the definitive old-timey movie.
2.) Who’s going to call you out on that shit? The key to a good lie is make something up that no one can verify.
#3 “Hi, my name is John Smith. I really like your insert article of clothing here. What’s your name?
I’m just kidding. This would never work. Back to the outrageous claims!
Real #3
This is more of a maneuver than a line but here goes: It requires at least two other wingmen. When bar hopping, casually have one friend toss another friend into a pack of women walking in the opposite direction, knocking some of them over if necessary. Yell at your friends for being jerks, then do damage control with the ladies, help them up, apologize (important note: do this while of kind of chuckling so they know your nice but still kind of an asshole because we all know women tend to flock towards assholes; bonus that you keep the company of other assholes), ask them where they are going and offer to buy drinks. Repeat this procedure as necessary, taking turns with your buddies to be the hero. I know it’s juvenile but since when has being mature ever worked out for anyone?
This line isn’t theoretical actually, my buddy actually used this line once, even though I’m pretty sure he doesn’t remember it. It wasn’t so much aimed at a particular girl either, he just kind of sprayed this line in every general direction, not caring who it hit. In any case, it attracted the attention of some pretty cute girls. Whether they thought it was amusing or they just thought my friend was an idiot (more likely the latter), who knows, he got a conversation started. Drunk Assholes: 1 Chicks: 0.
#2 “Hi, did you know that my grandpa was one of the forefathers of modern flight? He was that one guy you see in old-timey movies about airplanes before the Wright Brothers. Not that guy with the bi-plane with like 5 stacked wings that falls apart after about 2 seconds but that one dude with the contraption that looks like 2 giant horizontal cymbals that’s just pumping away but you know that jackass isn’t going anywhere but no one is that fucking stupid to think something like that would work.”
I know this line is little long winded to say the least, especially in a packed tavern, but I’ll give you 2 reasons why it will work:
1.) Old-Timey movies are funny. I think, at least subconsciously, everyone has seen that footage somewhere in their lives. It is arguably the definitive old-timey movie.
2.) Who’s going to call you out on that shit? The key to a good lie is make something up that no one can verify.
#3 “Hi, my name is John Smith. I really like your insert article of clothing here. What’s your name?
I’m just kidding. This would never work. Back to the outrageous claims!
Real #3
This is more of a maneuver than a line but here goes: It requires at least two other wingmen. When bar hopping, casually have one friend toss another friend into a pack of women walking in the opposite direction, knocking some of them over if necessary. Yell at your friends for being jerks, then do damage control with the ladies, help them up, apologize (important note: do this while of kind of chuckling so they know your nice but still kind of an asshole because we all know women tend to flock towards assholes; bonus that you keep the company of other assholes), ask them where they are going and offer to buy drinks. Repeat this procedure as necessary, taking turns with your buddies to be the hero. I know it’s juvenile but since when has being mature ever worked out for anyone?
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