Bachelorette Parties are LAME

There is nothing, NOTHING, worse in the world than for a guy to walk into his favorite watering hole after a grueling day of work and see upon him, you guessed it, a goddamn bachelorette party in progress. I happened to run into one of those bastards this weekend, and let me tell you, I was pissed. As I sipped on my beverage with contempt that night, it totally dawned on me that bachelorette parties and pennies are eerily similar in that they are both annoying, pointless, and stupid.

I mostly hate Bachelorette Parties for two reasons:

1.) Bachelorette Parties are uninspired.

Every Bachelorette Party is the exact same thing every single time. About a dozen or so obnoxious chicks will clamour out of a bus or something, where they will proceed to invade some poor hapless bar where all the patrons will be forced to deal with stupid scavenger hunts, solicitations for a “suck for a buck”, and of course, a barrage of phallic paraphernalia waved in front of their faces.

Wow, good job maid-of-honor, no one has EVER thought of doing any of those things before. Your antics have put everyone in hysterics. Bravo. (Now imagine me clapping my hands three times very slowly with a smug look on my face, and you’ll get just the right amount of sarcasm I was going for there.)

As far as the “suck for a buck” thing goes, I’m actually okay with the idea of financially helping out soon-to-be newlyweds. After all, if they’re dumb enough to get married, then they're going to need all the help they can get. I just wish they offered something useful, like a refill on my drink, or for them to leave the bar. Almost anything is better than a stupid blow-pop.

I’m getting all worked up here just thinking about it. Come back tomorrow for reason Number 2, followed by a great remedy to cure your favorite saloon if it comes down with a scorching case of Bachelorette Partyitis.

Continued from Monday...

2.) It is impossible to pick up a chick in a Bachelorette Party

It’s been tried, oh lord has it been tried, but no man in the history of time has ever picked up a chick participating in a female stag party ritual. You would think that it would be easy based on the fact that they’re probably going to be boozing harder than had they been out at the bars normal-style and that there are about a million different ways you could start a conversation with someone because of their crazy theme or their scavenger hunt or whatever. But it’s not easy. It’s impossible, like I mentioned earlier. Here’s why:

A. Stick-to-itiveness. Every guy knows that deploying the divide-and-conquer method is textbook strategy for isolating a girl from a pack of women on any given night. But those girls are going to look awfully foolish holding dildos and inflated dicks in their hands if they’re not in their posse pulling the same kind of shenanigans. The chance of separating a chick from the rest of the flock is negligible at best.

B. The Bitterness Factor. A hottie in the bunch may look like she’s having a good time, but deep show she’s harboring deep resentment for the bride-to-be because she’s not the one that’s about to walk the plank. Since she can’t express these feelings openly, she will probably switch to man-hating mode for the duration of the evening.

C. Logistics. Even if you manage to beat the odds and make some kind of progress with a chick in a Bachelorette Party, you know in a few drinks, that drunk bus is moving on to the next tavern on the itinerary. No girl is worth following a Bachelorette Party around all night, I don’t give a fuck how hot she is.

So there you have it. Fortunately, I have concocted a scheme that is a sure-fire way to eliminate the Bachelorette Party in question. You simply approach any one of the girls as she’s coming from the bathroom or getting another drink and politely strike up a conversation, subversively pumping her for information on the bride and groom and other details about their lives. I realize that feigning interest in this dialogue will be EXTREMELY difficult but it’s very important for the next step.

Later on the evening, when the inevitable suck-for-a-buck girl comes along, casually mention that you heard about the recent affair that the groom had with insert name of girl you just spoke with and how happy you are that the bride was able to work out the drama because it looks like all you girls are having a lot of fun right now. Use as many details from the previous conversation as possible to add authenticity.

If the Bachelorette Party is particular annoying, tell suck-for-a-buck girl that the groom cheated on the bride with another man. For added effect, point to your buddy at the end of the bar and say it was him. This route is bound to end in hilarity.

Which ever way you choose, within a few minutes, the bride should either burst out of the bar in tears followed by all her friends to console her or a full-out Bachelorette brawl will break out. And we all know that fights between women ALWAYS end up in kissing and clothes being torn off, so it’s pretty much a win-win situation for everyone.

Okay, I’ve said far too much on this subject, but to make one final point, while I was typing this rant, my spell-check refused to believe the word Bachelorette even exists. Further research at dictionary.com confirmed that Bachelorette is in fact, not a real word.

It just begs the question, if Microsoft and Internet don’t acknowledge Bachelorette Parties, why should we?




Ever see the movie Bachelor Party with Tom Hanks? Me neither. But I'll bet you about a million dollars that these guys could throw a better party than the cacklefest I witnessed Friday night.