Starbucks is to coffee like Brett Favre is to quarterbacking: they are the absolute greatest in their respective categories. I’ve been hooked on the brown stuff since my sophomore year of college and have never looked back since. Everybody needs a vice, and I like to rationalize that caffeine is the lesser of all the evils out there. Simply put, Starbucks has been fueling my crippling addiction to the real vitamin C for the past several years and I feel all the happier albeit slightly more jittery because of it.
But Starbucks ain’t perfect.
One thing I don’t care for is their sizing system: Tall, Grande, and Venti. What the hell does that mean!? They all sound like the exact same thing. It’s like to going to McDonalds and seeing that their French Fries come in sizes of large, big, and huge.
I’m exaggerating, it’s a pretty easy system to figure out, and I’m sure a lot of people think it’s real cute. But the joke wears thin real quickly, if you ask me. And everybody takes it SO seriously. If you don’t believe me, try ordering something the next you walk into a Starbucks and call it by its proper name. You’ll get a dirty look every time, like you’re some kind of dufus.
I do this purposely now for the shear entertainment of watching these baristas get all riled up.
“Um, excuse me, server, I would like a medium coffee, please, no room for cream.”
The server (baristas HATE being called servers) knows damn well that I’m not new because only a Starbucks veteran would perform a pre-emptive strike on the question of whether or not I wanted room for cream. The server’s only retaliation is to bark my order to the other coffee bartender person, accentuating Grande coffee in the most condescending way possible, as one final rebuttal to get me to play by their rules.
My response? In an unwavering manner, look them straight in the eye as they hand me my beverage, and coldly say, “yeah, thanks again for that medium coffee.”
Take THAT, Seattle!
I’m only kidding about that last transaction. I would never order a medium coffee. It’s all or nothing for me, and if you get anything less, you are getting hosed. Here’s why:
Small: 12 Ounces $1.50
Medium: 16 Ounces $1.70
Road Rage: 20 Ounces $1.80
You get an additional 8 ounces of coffee for 30 cents! To keep the math simple, think of it this way, 20 ounces is almost DOUBLE of 12 ounces and 30 cents is worth almost NOTHING by itself so basically you’re getting twice the coffee for free. Think about it.
The only argument against my logic is that these prices vary from city to city, so if live in a market where the Road Rage size puts you over the $2.00 threshold and you don’t want to deal with a butt load of stupid stinky change, opting out of the 20 ouncer is completely understandable.
Well all this talk is making thirsty. It’s time for some SB action. My heart is palpitating irregularly just thinking about it…
I’d like to see Starbucks come up with some sort of big gulp 64 ounce size to satisfy my daily requirement of Vitamin C. Maybe they could put a little handle on there, too. Not bad, huh? Cool, well, see ya later!
8 comments:
Yeah, NYC prices used to be $1.95 for a venti which was perfect, (except you felt like a jackass giving a 5 cent tip) but now a venti is $2.05, what a pain - a grande just doesn't do it for me!
"a grande just doesn't do it for me" - That's what she said!
Hey Tom Jane, how about warm frothe grande glass, of shut the hell up!
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I loved you in National Lampoons Loaded Weapon I.
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