I was hoping that my treatise on Hoverboards in 2006 would have sparked a creative movement amongst inventors across the world. My dream was to get venture capitalists to divert their precious resources from biotechnology and pharmaceuticals to the more lucrative field of plastic boards floating on cushions of air.
I want a Pit-Bull for God’s sake, not a stupid cure for cancer!
Hoverboards don't work on water. Unless you have power. Or a Pit-Bull (shown on the right).
In a way, though, it was my fault. I did not come up with a realistic solution to bring Hoverboards to the general public. Even though my heart was in the right place when I thought reinstating the former Soviet Union to start a new arms race was the appropriate solution to put Hoverboards into mass production, everyone knows that Rocky Balboa effectively ended Communism for good when he defeated Ivan Drago in 1985.
Therefore a new plan is needed and the approach is three pronged:
1. Create Awareness
I don’t think the average American realizes how dangerously far behind we are in the creation of even a working Hoverboard prototype. Therefore, I suggest that TNT run a 24 hour Back To The Future II marathon on New Years Day, similar to what they do with the A Christmas Story on Christmas Day to create awareness of the problem at hand.
In between commercials, they could show a bunch of news features of little kids crying because there were no Hoverboards under the Christmas tree this year. Then we’ll have a celebrity swoop in there and console the kid. It’ll be a one-two punch because Americans can’t enough of crying kids and celebrities. The net effect of this media blitz will be a call to action that will force the eggheads at NASA or Mattel or wherever to get their heads out of their asses once and for all.
Plus, Back To The Future II is awesome, so at least I’ll be entertained while I nurse my hangover that day.
2. Innovation
Remember the media hype surrounding the Segway when it first debuted a few years ago? The inventor of the Segway promised us a new form of transportation that was going to change the world. We all sat at the edge of our seats, anxiously awaiting this new marvel of technology and how it was going to impact the future.
What did we get? A glorified scooter with a $15,000 price tag. Did it change the world? Hardly. The Segway boasts some of the most sophisticated circuitry and gyroscopic balance mechanisms in any vehicle ever made, but the whole system rests on a dead technology:
The wheel.
The wheel had a great run in its heyday, but the shelf life of this once prominent technology is near expiration. The inventor of the Segway should have realized this in the conceptualization stage of the Segway and scrapped the project right then and there.
Wheels!? Where we're going, we don't need wheels.
But I do think that this dude is mankind’s best bet for creating an operational Hoverboard. He clearly has the brains, financial resources, and risk adverseness to stake a company’s future on a novelty form of transportation. Plus he’s going to want to redeem himself for the whole Segway debacle. We need to sell this guy on the Hoverboard dream as soon as possible.
3. Sponsorship
Everything needs a sponsor these days and I found the perfect fit for the Hoverboard. Think about it for a second. What group of people is responsible for the greatest leaps of technology that still subside in society today? I’m not talking about the internal combustion engine or the microchip processor here, think waaaaaaay farther back from those innovations. I’m talking about the wheel…fire…the fulcrum. Ring any bells?
I’m talking about cavemen of course. Don’t you think they are about due for another big hit? Cavemen could fund Hoverboard research and development in the hopes of getting their dignity back after being forced to earn cash through those Geico commercials. So instead of shilling for car insurance companies, they can, once again, contribute to the advancement of civilization. It’s win/win for everybody.
Call me an idealist, but I honestly think my little plan here will at least get America pointed in the right direction. If not, I already have action plan in place for next year. It involves What Would Marty McFly Do rubber bracelets.
Who's with me here!?
Hoverboards: So easy to use, even a human could ride one.
10 comments:
Fuck the hoverboard, I want those sneakers!
I agree, those Nikes are bad ass.
I'm glad you put so much thought into this very important topic. Happy New Year's.
I agree, we can ¨supposedly¨ put a man on the moon, and want to go to mars, but I think hoverboards should be our number one priority.
Mr. Wollin,
Your gross characterization of the proud cave-dwelling people is bordering on harassment. We have overcome too much to have some ignorant bloggist spread stereotypes of inferiority. If you do not cease and desist you will hear from our lawyers.
Hey jerkstore - the Pit-Bulls had power, that's why they worked on water. Bone up on the year 2015 before you make those kinds of assinine comments
and by jerkstore I mean Bojo
Those sound like fightin' words, Tom Jane, and we all know you've got no scrote. If I had some kind of vest that made electronic noises, I would now press the button for the chicken squawk.
No one calls me chicken!
I'll agree to your hoverboard so long as it gets us to those flyng cars we were promised as well.
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