The Astonishing Tales of Joe Daniels

I don’t know if any of y’all noticed but I tacked that last blog post on to the previous post, thus completing the blog idea in its entirety but at the same time, keeping the commentary going.

I think I am going to do this for now on. The primary reason is because I am attempting to get up at 5:00 am every morning so I can establish a morning routine before heading off to my cubicle. There a lull of time in this routine that would be perfect for bloggin’ so I’m going to have a topic in mind for the week and then add to it daily or at least every other day.

That’s right, you heard correct, you will now get a daily dose of Brain Litter. I’m anticipating a Beatles on the Ed Sullivan show-like response to this turn of the events but that remains to be seen.

To kick this concept off, I’ve decided I’m going to tell an amusing tale about my roommate Joe Daniels every day this week. Well, not so much story, they’re more like foibles. Three of them will be true, and one will be false.

Try to guess which one I made up. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

Joe Daniels Foible #1

After taking his sweet time getting through college, Joe decided to shed his socialist ways and get a job in the real world. He decided he would try his luck at Epic’s Intergalactic Headquarters, one of the world’s largest providers of medical software.

Epic has a grueling interview process and after several bouts with the company’s recruiters, Joe finally made it to the last stage, a mock business presentation. Knowing only how to espouse pinko rhetoric and propaganda, Joe was clueless on how to deliver a short, concise, and factual report.

So Joe was forced to collaborate with me, business prodigy and zombie expert. Together, we put together a survival guide for dealing with the undead when they inevitably take over the world. Topics included zombie physiology, weapon strengths and weaknesses, and defensive measures to fortify your home.

The presentation was a rousing success. Joe was hired on the spot, more likely for his ability to defend Epic headquarters in a zombie epidemic, and less likely for his business prowess, but still, he gets a weekly paycheck now like the rest of us capitalists.

The moral of the story: If you want a lucrative job in today’s high flying medical software industry, you best be brushing up on your knowledge of the walking dead.

1/24/07

Joe Daniels Foible #2

Last New Years Eve, we decided to spend an evening out on the town. Imagine that. We were going to kick off our new year bar hopping in a section of town we don’t normally go to, the taverns of south Park Street.

The night started off fine. Joe was dropping some wicked bombs but other than that, it was business as usual.

The thing is though, his gas expulsions were getting worse and worse as the night crept on. More frequent too, a most disagreeable combination. Normally I laugh my butt off at stink air, but this ass fog went beyond the realm of funny.

“Go back to Russia, you stinkmonger,” I kept telling him but to no avail. Dude and Andy went outside for a smoke and apparently people out there were commenting on how bad it smelled inside. At that point we knew trouble was brewing. Literally.

At around 10:30, Joe let off this one that was just putrid. It smelled like two turds got caught in the middle of a prison riot. You just had to laugh.

Unfortunately, the bouncer didn’t think it was so funny. He came over to us and said we had to leave. Joe promised he would go to the bathroom again if it happened again but the guy wouldn’t listen. We got kicked out of the Klinic because Joe wouldn’t stop shitting his pants. It was a new low for us, and not the best way to kick off 2007 to say the least.

I don’t really blame Joe, though. Before the smoking ban, we used to be able to break wind freely in a bar and the cigarette smell would cover it up. Those glory days are over. Maybe Joe thought the live music was loud enough to mask the stench, who knows?

Moral of the Story: Flatulence will get you nowhere.

1/25/07

Joe Daniels Foible #3

My Junior year of college, we all used to live in this shabby excuse for a dwelling known as 1026 Drake Street. Joe had a bedroom right across the hall from mine where he used to spend hours upon hours reading literature sympathetic to the communist party and playing Wrestlemania on Playstation 2.

When I got bored with my studies, I often visited his lair to hang out and to listen to his crazy ideas. He used to keep this change bucket on his dresser that always seemed a little fuller each time I glanced at it.

Why was I constantly staring at Joe’s loose change? You know how sometimes you think something is so hideous, you just can’t look away? Like watching a horrific car accident on the side of a highway. Or watching Zach Braff on Scrubs. Well, it was kind of like that.

Anyways, one Saturday morning, I wanted to go to Best Buy but Joe didn’t because he didn’t have any money. Typical.

But I really wanted to go so I offered him an even 20 bucks for all the change in his bucket. I figured there was about 30 dollars in there so I thought Joe would immediately decline the offer but low and behold, he accepted it without a moment’s hesitation.

Joe thought he was getting away with a sweet deal, but I counted that shit up right away and guess how money was in there?

$37.45!

I remember the exact amount to this day because it was the best business deal I ever made. I made an instant 87% return on my investment without lifting a finger. Plus Joe was super pissed when he found out. I don’t know if he was pissed because he lost so much money in the transaction or because he realized he has terrible judgment when it comes to spatial relationships. Either way, that was probably the best Saturday ever.

Moral of the Story: Keep your change in a tall and narrow container instead of a bucket with a wide bottom. It’ll look like you have a lot more money.

Also, if I were you, I’d get rid of all those germ-infested pennies, too. That’s just good hygiene.



Eat your heart out, Coinstar Center. You ain't got nothin’ on me!

1/26/07

Joe Daniels Foible #4

Another time during that fateful experience at 1026 Drake Street, we we’re all gathered around the living room, hungover, and watching the Packers stomp Detroit.

Wait…maybe they were beating the Bears that day. I forget, but it back in 2002 so I’m sure we were winning.

We decided to order Papa John’s since we we’re too lazy to do anything else. I was broke so I decided I was just going to leave the room when the pizza arrived rather than bask in all that mozzarella and Italian sausage glory and not have any part of it being eaten.

But over an hour passed and still no pizza arrived. So the guys told me if I called and bitched to Papa John’s, then I would have a stake in their pie. So I did, and Papa John said they’d send two free pizzas over to our place for the inconvenience. Score!

Another hour passed. The Packer game was dwindling down. We were not at all pleased with our current state of hunger. So I called and bitched again and they said the same thing again.

Twenty minutes later we finally got our order. We were pissed that it took almost two and half hours but it was free so no harm no foul.

All of a sudden the doorbell rang again. We all looked at each other quizzically, as no one ever came to visit us at the stink pit that was 1026 Drake Street.

It turned out it was another Papa John’s pizza guy, and he had two more pizzas for us. We made a mad dash to cover any trail of the first two pizzas before answering the door. It was damn near impossible to keep a straight face as the guy apologized profusely for the late order.

Four free Pizza’s in one day! Ain’t nothin’ wrong with that.

That was probably the best Sunday, not to be confused with the best Saturday (see above post) ever for me. No, check that, January 26, 1997 was the best Sunday ever. This was the second best Sunday ever.

What does this have to do with Joe? Well, he was there the whole time. I think…

Is that not a good enough story about Joe to conclude this post? One time, me and Lumby put Joe’s moped in his bed. That was pretty funny.

And one time, me and my buddy Cross took a copy of Tail End magazine (a smutty periodical featuring nothing but butts. I remember the cover story was titled “Masses of Asses”) and tore out the pages and hid them all over Joe’s room and between his school books and things so that he was constantly finding porn in his belongings (like during a lecture, those moments were the best) for the next few months. That was pretty funny too.

This concludes the astonishing tales of Joe Daniels. As you can see, he’s a pretty easy guy to embarrass. If you remember, one of the stories is not entirely true, even though they are all equally plausible. I’ll leave you guessing as to the real truth.



Here’s a funny picture action photo of Joe throwing up. I think it was taken a few weeks ago. Anyways, this whole Astonishing Tales of Joe Daniels ruse was just an excuse to post this picture. Enjoy.