Wii Don’t Take Shit From Anyone

Every once in awhile, a new electronic peripheral comes out that changes the way we play video games. Nobody knows and does this better than the brain savants at Nintendo HQ. When the competition was sticking to their boring old console pads, Nintendo had the balls to give us a new kind of controller. One that doesn’t rely on mindless button mashing but simple and intuitive movements of the wrist, heralding a new age of gaming unlike the world has ever known.

You might know it as the Wii but, you sir, are wrong.


BAM!

I’m talking about the POWERGLOVE, 1988-style, b-yotch!

I remember, very vividly, when I was a young lad of about seven years old, my mom approached me around Demember and asked me a question that may have changed the course of my life forever:

“Honey, would you be happier if Santa Claus brought you a Game Boy or a Powerglove this year for Christmas?”

It was a question that still resonates with me to this day. In my head, all I could think about was how cool I would look wearing that gauntlet of gaming. I would be the envy of all the kids in the neighborhood for sure. In reality, I probably would have ended up close to something like this:

Can you imagine how giddy you'd be to roast this dufus in a high school communications class?

It didn’t help that the wildly successful feature-length commercial for Super Mario 3 a.k.a. The Wizard with Fred Savage was still fresh in my memory. I still can’t figure out how that tool kid knew about the warp whistle in the first world when, presumably, the game was being debuted for the first time ever in tournament play. They didn’t even have the Internet back then. How does Hollywood get away with it?

Anyways, that one badass kid in the middle of the movie had a Powerglove and he wore it in style. He even had a steel briefcase for transporting it. One great life lesson I’ve learned so far over my twenty-five year stay on this planet is to NEVER fuck with a guy carrying around a Powerglove in a steel briefcase.

Smell the glove.

To make a long story short, I asked for the Powerglove and ended up getting a lame ass Game Boy. It might have been because I was a bad boy that year, but more likely than not, I think my Dad wanted to play that Tetris game that everyone was talking about.

It took me about a good six or seven year to forgive Santa Claus for that Christmas morning blunder. Even though it eventually worked out for the best, I still think the Powerglove deserves its place among the greatest peripherals ever made such as the Virtual Boy, Sega 32X, and that crazy robot top-spinning thingy that worked with Gyromite that came with the original Nintendo packaging.

You were ahead of your time, Powerglove. Thanks for keeping the dream alive, Miyamoto.

On a completely unrelated topic, I noticed another great addition to my series, people that look like things and other people.

Tonight’s match up:

Ohio State Football Head Coach Jim Tressel

And Mr. Dewey, the beloved detention administrator from Saved By The Bell.


It's a gift, what can I say?