I guess it is unfair to compare Hercules faltering popularity to my sky rocketing popularity but these are the only popularity charts I’ve been keeping tabs on since October 2005. Note: The friends mentioned in the above chart are of the take a bullet in the chest variety, not of the happy-go-lucky, I only added you as a friend to boost my social stature online via facebook and/or myspace variety.
To break down the analysis, you’ll notice Hercules made steady progress making chums as an adorable puppy, but his shtick wore thin as he grew older. His habit of constantly biting people’s feet, pooping in my bedroom, and dropping silent but deadly farts all over the house has brought his popularity to an all time low. Two friends to be exact. And those people own him so they have to like him by default.
Another reason why Hercules has no friends: He is a sexual deviant. I have conclusive photographic evidence to prove my point:
The face humping is NOT cool. Why can’t he just do it missionary style like the rest of us? He is showing no respect for Dexter in any of the above pictures.
Hercules and Dexter in some kind of erotic embrace.
I took this photograph sitting in a shadowy corner with my legs crossed, smoking a cigarette. Apparently Hercules enjoys a little voyeurism as well.
I am not even entirely sure if Dexter is a willing participant in these wild unbridled trysts. At least half of these photos look like Dexter is under some kind of duress.
You’ll also notice that Dexter is a MALE, not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Well Hercules is moving out soon so hopefully he’ll get his act together. He’s going to be living in a big apartment complex, so he’ll have lots of opportunities to make some new pals. It wouldn’t hurt if he tried to salvage some of the relationships he has now but I’m not going to hold my breath.
Hercles, if you are reading this, I have six words for you: Bee Bop Bop. Bop. Bee Bop. (It’s an inside joke.)
9 comments:
You have sunk to new lows Wollin. Taking pictures of my dog in the throws of passion - what kind of sick pervert are you? He trusted you and betrayed that the second it suited you. Have you no shame?
And for the record, I've yet to see any evidence supporting your "Dexter is a male" argument other than the fact that you gave it a man's name. If he's got a pair, they've got to be the second smallest set in the house, right behind yours.
Did you write this one based on my three suggestions, or was that just coincidence?
the monarch
Ironically, I had started this post about 6 months but then left it on the drawing board. Your suggestion moved it to the front lines of blogdom.
Rogue journalism at it's best, I remember when my dog used to have nuts, same shit, used to fuck anything that was composed of matter. Ahh the memories.
Wall I
http://www.theonion.com/content/video
/in_the_know_our_troops_in_iraq
Hilarious, and an AD&D blurb at the end..
I beg to differ, Ben. I consider Herc a very close personal friend. I feel this all you can eat character assassination is totally out of line!
""Bags of Holding" is not actually a weapon, its something to carry things in."
Classic.
Monarch
Yeah, Ben knows all about holding bags. He just loves the feel of a freshly shorn scrote in his hands.
What's really funny about this, Wall I, is that Hercules hasn't had nuts for quite some time. He apparently just doesn't care.
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