Summer Movie Round Up Thus Far

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

This one ain’t bad. All the Harry Potter movies to come out so far (including HP OotP) have been very adequate outings and fairly faithful to the book, however, none of have yet to be spectacular stand alone works of cinema. They act more like supplements to the books, especially in terms of casting, which has been eerily realistic and now the characters are damn near impossible to imagine outside they’re motion picture counterparts.

However, with the release of this film and the final book coming out, I suggest we all celebrate the occasion by doing the following:

1. When dropping your next fart in a public venue, either saying, “Did someone step on a Blast-Ended Skrewt?” or alternatively, “Something wicked this way comes.”

2. Instead of taking shots of your favorite Tequila, Patron, ask your bartender for shots of Patronus. Useful for attempting to pick up chicks as well as warding off dementors.


The casting for Harry Potter has been fantastic with the exception of a noticeable lack of screen presence from Brett Favre. Can someone say Fenrir Greyback?

Transformers

I give this movie a C- for plot but an A+ for robot on robot violence. There was this one part where this huge robot was fighting this other robot, and they were punching and tackling each other, and then the one robot was like, Fuck You!, so he formed this sword out of nowhere and then he stabbed that other stupid robot in the chest, and that robot died and there was circuits and shit everywhere. It was sweet.


I also have to tip my hat to the product placement in this movie, which you knew was coming so you just had to put up with it, but once the main robot transforms into a shiny new Camaro for the first time onscreen, you just had to laugh and smile and think of the Ford marketing executive banging his head on the wall with each passing syllable, “Why-did-I-let-G-M-C- get-this-con-tract-with-Michael-Bay-I’m-so-stupid-stupid-stupid…”

Live Free or Die Hard

This Die Hard was way better than Die Harder but not as good as Die Hard or Die Hard with a Vengeance. Live Free or Die Hard was a very entertaining movie, but it lost a ton of points with me when Die Hard yells Yippee-Ki-Yeh-Mother... *Gunshot Bang* to edit out the F-bomb because of its PG-13 rating. Weak. Have no fear though, I have come up with several Die Hard titles for Die Hard 5 which, coupled with an R rating, should put Detective John McClane back on track:

1. Die Hard or Go Home
2. Eat Shit and Die Hard
3. Only the Good Die Hard
4. Live and Let Die Hard
5. Between a Rock and a Die Hard Place
6. Die Hard 5: Die Hard Kills a Bunch of Bad Guys and Something Else Happens
7. Die Hard 5: Back To Another Building… But Taller
8. Die Hard 5: The Return of Hans Gruber



Do you think when Die Hard first debuted in Germany, that people initially thought it was a porno?

Ocean’s 13

This movie thinks it is sooooooo coooooool. It’s not that cool actually, but better than the suckfest that was Ocean’s 12.

Knocked Up

Hilarious. Anything with Judd Apatow’s name on it is comic gold. Proceed with caution if you bring a date though. You’ll know what I mean if you see it. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Pirates of the Caribbean 3

This movie pretty much sucked ass. There was too much convoluted mythology and not enough Captain Sparrow swashbuckling around his ship and saying clever one-liners. I never thought it would be possible to screw up a pirate movie but look no further than this tripe.

28 Weeks Later

This movie is about zombies and by definition, zombie movies rule, so logic dictates that this movie rules. I didn’t make the rules here, people. While not as good as its predecessor, I still think this movie makes a great addition to the genre.

Spiderman 3

By far, the biggest let down of the summer so far. Boooooooooo!