When is the Future going to happen?

Well it looks like 2010 is fast approaching and you know what that means…time for my annual rant about Hoverboards. Seriously, why don’t we have these things!?

Redonk squared is what this is. But enough about the dismal state of Hoverboard technology. I’d like to focus on some of my favorite movies and games from when I was kid and how things actually panned out now that its 2010 and I am technically an adult.

1. Demolition Man

According to this vision of the future, violence is eradicated, we’re all going to be wiping our asses using the three shell system, and everybody is constantly eating at Taco Bell. With the exception of the violence eradication and the three shell ass wiping system, I’d say this vision constitutes a pretty accurate reality for me. On the weekends, at least.

2. Crystalis

I don’t know much about this video game that was released for original Nintendo except that Joe Barrie loves it because it projected we would all be living on floating castles by 1998.

Not that this has anything to do with the future but I would love to see the plot in Bad Dudes come to fruition where the President of the United States is kidnapped by ninjas and two dudes wearing colored tank tops have to save him.

3. Starship Troopers, Avatar, Etc.

I find it really distracting when any film depicts future armies on distant planets still using stupid bullets in combat. Like anybody actually believes we won’t be shooting laser beams at this point. Who’s really going to be believe that we have the technology to travel at light speed to galaxies millions of miles away but we’re still using gun powder to blast a tiny bit of metal as a projectile to kill things. Total bullshit.

Just a side note, anyone going to see Avatar should keep their eyes peeled for an Avatar that looks exactly like Adrian Peterson. Try to guess which one. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

4. Escape from New York

This one came true ahead of schedule. This 1981 film projected that Kurt Russel would be a total badass in a reality set in 1997 and lo and behold it was actually 8 years ahead of its time. I don’t think I need to remind anyone reading this blog that Tango and Cash was released in 1989.

5. Mad Max and Road Warrior

The Mad Max movies were about societies in constant battle over the possession of oil. Man, were they ever off the target! That’s about as crazy as Robocop projecting the future of Detroit as a cesspool of urban decay!

6. Total Recall


Where are the chicks with three boobs!? I think this worth restating. Where are the chicks with three boobs!?

Merry New Year Everyone!

Avatar is Avatarded

Just kidding, it’s pretty good actually. Just wanted to use avatarded in a sentence. This post is actually about Christmas.

Normally, I do not get stressed about family gift giving and family gatherings around Christmas because, being the boy scout that I am, I usually have all my gifts taken care of BEFORE Thanksgiving as to avoid the madness of the malls and because I genuinely enjoy hanging out with my family for our annual Christmas parties due to my uncle’s ability to pour a mean brandy old fashioned sour.

Well this year was different.

I can finally see why people get stressed out this time of year. First off, I’m dealing with new job jitters and long hours that have prevented me from getting my shopping done so I had one narrow window last Saturday to get it all done.

After wandering around Bay Park Square for what seemed like hours, I was getting really frustrated. At one point, I seriously thought to myself, “fuck it, the economy sucks, everybody’s getting a Snuggie this year and that’s that.” I’m not kidding. I was so desperate, I almost bought a gift for my dad at Radioshack. Radioshack!

Did I mention that I started dating someone about two weeks ago? What the hell do you give someone for Christmas that you’ve only dated for two weeks!? The dating Gods are clearly messing with my November rule.

Things were looking grim and I was staring down the barrel of a 4:00 pm matinee time for Avatar 3D so I needed to act fast. In a flash of inspiration and a quick detour to a Packer memorabilia store on Holmgren, I think I covered all my bases and even had time for to load up on goodies before the film started.

On a side note, I give Avatar seven, maybe seven and half thumbs up. The 3D-ness was cool but not the game changer I thought it was going to be and the dialogue was weak. My biggest beef was the 2 hour and 40 minute running time. Inexcusable. Unless you’re returning a ring to Mordor or your name is Martin Scorsese, I don’t want to sit still through your movie if it’s over 2 hours and 10 minutes.

I didn’t always think this way. Back when I was making minimum wage, I used to think a longer running time was an asset rather than a liability. I was getting my money’s worth! Ben Affleck drilling a hole on an asteroid for 2 hours and 30 minutes!? Sign me up for that shit, hell yeah!

Then yesterday, we celebrated Christmas on my Dad’s side of the family. Not a lot to report there actually, I stayed sober this year for some reason and at one point during the Packer game, amidst all the chatter of my relatives catching up, I shit you not, someone make the argument that Wings was the greatest sitcom ever made.

At this point I vowed to never be sober for a Wollin family Christmas party ever again. I never confirmed who actually said the comment and I don’t want to know. I hope it wasn’t my dad. God, tell me it wasn’t my dad!

Merry Christmas everyone!

Cheetah Woods

Ugh. Terrible.

Not my joke, though. Neither is this one but it’s a lot better:

What is the difference between a golf ball and an SUV?

Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball over 300 yards.

Eh Oh!

Okay let’s get topical.

I know you are probably sick and tired of hearing about Tiger Woods in the news, but once again, the only person to blame is the media itself.

As more of Tiger’s conquests come out of the woodwork to seek their 15 minutes of fame, the more you hear about awful his character is and how he doesn’t deserve all the accolades he has received over all these years.

Nuts to that. It’s easy to point someone to their finger and say they are built of a stronger moral fiber but how many of these people make hundreds of millions of dollars a year by being the best athlete in their field and then have beautiful women throw themselves at them everywhere they go?

If you are one of these people, then cast thy first stone, but until you are, I don’t see how anyone can possibly know what kind of temptations and pressures Tiger or someone of his stature must face on a daily basis so therefore we should not be so quick to judge him.

And I think that Elin just HAD to have known what was going on. It’s hard enough to juggle one woman around in a hectic schedule let alone seven or whatever the tally is at now. I figure that Tiger and Elin must have had some kind of “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy around the home that was probably working out relatively swell but Tiger got sloppy with his pain meds and let one of these bimbos blackmail him which led to a fight and him storming out of the house all medicated up, and well you know the rest of the story.

Affairs among the rich and famous aren’t new, people. In fact, for a long period of time, it was kind of cool to make enough money to support a mistress. King Henry. Ben Franklin. JFK. A bunch of dudes from the bible. Ray Liotta in Goodfellas had at least two. The list goes on and on.

Mistresses are just what rich and famous people do. Why are we stopping the presses over this?

In fact, this spat is going to hurt the economy. Experts are saying that ratings and sponsorships are going to dry up costing the PGA hundreds of millions of dollars.

If America’s number one export is our culture (and I think it is) this scandal will hurt America’s bottom line and I can’t accept that.

Let’s all move on and let the man sort out his mess privately so he can get back to what he does best: having extreme nipple erections at the weirdest times.

No wait, I’m thinking of Phil Mickelson. I meant to say giving awkward, ill timed high fives to his caddy. That’s what Tiger really excels at.

And Tiger, if you are reading this and I suspect you might be, if you think you will never bounce back from this, well think of another high profile athlete that admitted to pain killer addiction and wife philandering that later found acceptance in the public eye and is now more popular than ever.

I’ll give you one guess. Just one. It’s Brett Favre!



Is it possible that the real crime may be that some of these chicks aren't even that hot?

Back to the Rat Race

So I finally got a job and I just completed my first week of the grind. I had been laid off since February so I had been living the high life for the last nine months. This 40 plus hour work week is really starting to cramp my style. Not sleeping in sucks.

But seriously, I’m really grateful to be working again, and working in my chosen field no less. I have no complaints.

The unemployment experience has been enlightening. Basically there are three camps of unemployed people: Married people with families that really need it, disillusioned single people wondering where they went wrong in life, and single people that are getting a paid vacation from the government and are having the time of their lives.

I believe that last group has a technical name: funemployed.

I traversed the later two camps, seemingly going from one to the other on a daily basis. One the one hand I got to go to California, Australia, and party hard for every Packer home game with no repercussions on Monday (and one time on a Tuesday).

On the other hand, looking for work and filling out applications is a pain in the ass and sitting around watching day time television is down right depressing.

One of the worst aspects of being unemployed is running into acquaintances around town and they ask you how the job hunting is going.

“Awesome. I’m unshaven and hanging out at Barnes and Noble in my sweatpants on a Tuesday morning because my job search is going awesome. Thank you for asking.”

Seriously, you may think you are offering moral support but that question always leads to awkwardness and more humiliation. If you want to offer moral support to an unemployed friend, slap him or her on the back, tell a funny story and maybe buy a round of drinks. Don’t bring the subject up at all. That’s it.

But life is good now. I have my own office for the first time in my life so my main worry now is whether or not I should drop ass or not. At first I was just letting them fly with wreckless abandon but one time my boss came barging in after I let a ripe one off like 7 minutes earlier so it was basically gone but there was still jjjjjjjjust a hint of sulfur left in the air.

At least in cubicles, you can blame the guy in the cubicle next to yours. With an office, you have no one to blame but yourself. It’s like breaking wind in an elevator. High risk but high reward. What’s a man to do?