Long John Silvers? Never. Again.

Before I embark on this particular rant, I would like to direct your attention to the following thing of journalism concerning the capture of the two skanks that robbed my roommate the other weekend.

ATM Card Thieves Targeted Drunks in Downtown Green Bay, Police Say

Justice is served! I say we send Mandisa and Brittaney to the Big House. You know what I’m talking about…Alcatraz!

Yep, they are not going to be taking advantage of any drunks like Greg Altmann where they are going. But on the plus side, going to jail would SIGNIFICANTLY lower the possibility of dining at a Long John Silvers, which is what I really wanted to get at tonight.

Last Saturday, I was driving down Oneida Street, not even hungry, when I passed that unholy marriage of a restaurant, the Long John Silvers/KFC and I thought to myself, you know what, I have never eaten there before. In fact, I have never even met anyone who has ever eaten there before either.

Now I know why.

I whipped a quick u-turn, pulled up to the menu, and was immediately skeptical. First, they don’t have chicken, they have chicken PLANKS. Why couldn’t they just call it chicken? It’s like they had to remind you that the food you are about to eat is extremely processed. Nothing, and I mean nothing, comes from mother nature in plank form, I don’t care what anybody says.

Second, all of the fish options looked disgusting. I’m sorry, trapezoidal fish sticks do not appeal to me. When you are a multinational fast food conglomerate specializing in seafood and you can’t even make an appealing menu board, you know you got problems.

But I settled on the popcorn shrimp combo and went on my merry way, specifically reminding the cashier that I wanted cocktail sauce. Of course they then forgot to give it to me. That was the least of my worries.

The meal was served in one giant container, all mashed together on what appeared to be material mice collect to sleep on in their dens. Except that would be an insult to mice dens. Seriously, it looked like they just swept the floor, gathered the crumbs on a pan, and then thought it would be a good idea to serve my food on it. Gross.

The shrimp and fries were soggy and mediocre at best. But there was light at the end of the tunnel because I had two donut holes that apparently came with the meal. Or so I thought. I mean, they looked like donut holes and they felt like donut holes, but brother, they ain’t donut holes!

These things had the consistency of donut holes but they must just deep fry it in the same vat as the trapezoidal fish sticks because it tasted like cod bread. Boy was I surprised. A perfect end to a perfect meal.

I still had a bad taste in my mouth the next day so I went to a place where I could get real food i.e. I went to Culvers. That place is the gold standard of fast food, fo sho.

You probably think my food habits are disgusting but it was my last hooray before going on this crazy diet for the next 10 days where I only eat fruits and vegetables as part of a cleansing process. You think I’m joking, but I got an honest to God pineapple in the fridge to prove it. That is going to be meal for me at some point his week. A pineapple. Who buys a real pineapple? It’s craziness I tell ya.