This last weekend was pleasant yet unremarkable. I spent some quality time with the gf which included a screening of Eclipse which was easily the least God-awful of the Twilight movies to date. But that may be due to the fact that there was a blindingly bright exit sign adjacent to the screen at the De Pere Cinema Café that diverted my attention away from K.Stew’s or T. Laut’s inability to act or express any emotion whatsoever on the big screen, which in my opinion, probably helped the movie. In any case, it will be my turn to pick the next movie so I hope Jess is excited to see the new TRON.
The most exciting thing to take place last weekend was our tryouts to be on Wheel of Fortune. The Wheel of Fortune mystery bus travelled through Green Bay last Friday to find contestants for the show. The setup was like this; you filled out an application, then they randomly selected names to play a mock game on stage. Every person that got picked had to do a brief interview on stage with Marty, the mock host, at which point they played one puzzle and competed for door prizes. They crammed in as many people as they could for an hour.
The idea is that they were looking for exciting, interesting locals to be contestants on the show, hence the short interview. It did not matter if you solved the puzzle or not. The most interesting people would get selected for another audition in Wisconsin, and then finally/hopefully be an actual player on the show in California.
It was clear within about 5 minutes that the audience did NOT grasp this concept. Marty started every interview with “tell me something interesting about yourself.” The universal response was a mumbled “I worked at this place or have been retired for x many years, been married for y many years, and have z amount of children.” The other common response interest was a love for the Green Bay Packers.
First, that’s great that you’re married and have kids, that is arguably way more important than anything going on in my life, but the idea was to say something interesting to separate yourself from the herd. Secondly, no shit you love the Packers. Everybody in Green Bay loves the Packers.
The only original interview came from this 85 year old guy, who was visibly confused and didn’t know where he was. He was by far the most memorable because Marty had to ask him three different times if he was ready to play Wheel of Fortune where he eventually shrugged yes and shuffled off to the rest of the contestants. I can’t wait for dementia to kick in for me, it looks like a real hoot.
I was so pissed they didn’t call my name. I had the perfect setup in mind. First I would talk about my undefeated kickball team, then I would mention my expertise in Wheel of Fortune from my hours of practice from playing the 1992 Super Nintendo version, and then finally mention my dog named Cheese.
Marty would say, “That’s’ a funny name, how did you pick that?” Then I’d say that I wanted a Wisconsin specific name, but naming him Beer Belly just sounded cruel. Buh dum pish! Cue audience laughter annnnnnnnnnd that’s a wrap. Get this guy on the show asap.
I would have made a hell of a contestant. I envisioned me and Pat Sajak going out for beers after the show, I really think we would have that kind of rapport. But my name was never called and therefore I am forced to use my great jokes in this blog instead of for cash money prizes. Bummer, maybe next year.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
What? What? We're Undefeated That's What. In The Butt.
It’s ten past midnight and I can’t sleep. I’m too excited.
What? What? In The Butt just capped off the regular season UNDEFEATED. What is even more impressive is that we have shut out 4 of our last 6 opponents in an epic battle for a first place seed in the upcoming championship playoffs.
These victories did not come cheap. These victories cost us a broken finger, two season ending ankle injuries, one horribly scabbed knee, the relationship with my girlfriend almost, countless bumps and bruises, lot’s of blood, sweat and tears, and there was a $340 entry fee.
Was it worth it? Absolutely. Do I think it’s dorky to ask myself rhetorical questions in blog form? Not at all.
If you saw the Lynn Swann-like catch by Matt Pearson in right field tonight, you would totally understand. If you saw Greg Altmann playing like a young Todd Zeile at third base, you would totally understand. If you saw all the ladies tonight collectively rack up a higher batting average than the dudes tonight, you would totally understand.
PS all our ladies tagged up properly tonight, can’t say the same for some of the dudes on the other team.
Now I don’t want to say that my coaching was ALL of the reason we went undefeated this season but it’s pretty close. My expertly drafted batting orders, strategic field positioning, and charismatic leadership is probably responsible for at least 86% of our victories but that’s only a guesstimate.
Knock on wood, I shouldn’t have written that last paragraph. I don’t want to jinx the team. I already took a gamble by not benching my starters and letting them rest this last game when we were already locked into the playoffs.
But then again, the Colts had a shot at immortality and they blew it along with their momentum going into the playoffs last year. Those who do not study history are doomed to repeat it. Once again, we circle back to the awesome coaching mentioned earlier.
If you are a reader of this blog and the owner of a professional kickball team and seeking new management, you know how to reach me. Ditto if you are NFL team owner. Unless you own the Buffalo Bills, then I’m not interested.
Ok all, I’ll be sure to give you an update as the playoffs progress. We have a bye week next week (apparently there was a damn near mutiny in the league last year when they tried to schedule league play during the Packer Viking MNF game) and then round 1. The timing is perfect, it will give me several weeks to crash diet in the event that my team wishes to hoist me on their shoulders in victory like that lovable Rudy.
What? What? In The Butt just capped off the regular season UNDEFEATED. What is even more impressive is that we have shut out 4 of our last 6 opponents in an epic battle for a first place seed in the upcoming championship playoffs.
These victories did not come cheap. These victories cost us a broken finger, two season ending ankle injuries, one horribly scabbed knee, the relationship with my girlfriend almost, countless bumps and bruises, lot’s of blood, sweat and tears, and there was a $340 entry fee.
Was it worth it? Absolutely. Do I think it’s dorky to ask myself rhetorical questions in blog form? Not at all.
If you saw the Lynn Swann-like catch by Matt Pearson in right field tonight, you would totally understand. If you saw Greg Altmann playing like a young Todd Zeile at third base, you would totally understand. If you saw all the ladies tonight collectively rack up a higher batting average than the dudes tonight, you would totally understand.
PS all our ladies tagged up properly tonight, can’t say the same for some of the dudes on the other team.
Now I don’t want to say that my coaching was ALL of the reason we went undefeated this season but it’s pretty close. My expertly drafted batting orders, strategic field positioning, and charismatic leadership is probably responsible for at least 86% of our victories but that’s only a guesstimate.
Knock on wood, I shouldn’t have written that last paragraph. I don’t want to jinx the team. I already took a gamble by not benching my starters and letting them rest this last game when we were already locked into the playoffs.
But then again, the Colts had a shot at immortality and they blew it along with their momentum going into the playoffs last year. Those who do not study history are doomed to repeat it. Once again, we circle back to the awesome coaching mentioned earlier.
If you are a reader of this blog and the owner of a professional kickball team and seeking new management, you know how to reach me. Ditto if you are NFL team owner. Unless you own the Buffalo Bills, then I’m not interested.
Ok all, I’ll be sure to give you an update as the playoffs progress. We have a bye week next week (apparently there was a damn near mutiny in the league last year when they tried to schedule league play during the Packer Viking MNF game) and then round 1. The timing is perfect, it will give me several weeks to crash diet in the event that my team wishes to hoist me on their shoulders in victory like that lovable Rudy.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Kevin Kolb. Does anyone know how to pronounce this guy's last name?
I’ve never been more excited for a football season since forever. I can’t explain it. I don’t whether it’s because of the hype surrounding the Packers Super Bowl prospects or because of my sweet fantasy football drafts, or because I love gambling on football but one thing is for certain, I am pacing around the house as we speak waiting for the Packers to trounce the Eagles and I’m loving every minute of it.
I know I sound like a broken record but fantasy football seriously changed my life. Conversations with me about football before Fantasy Football primarily consisted of me debating if Favre played a great game or merely a very good one. I could care less about any other game going on in the league.
But since I started playing fantasy football about four years ago, I’ve got a ravenous appetite for insider knowledge to give me a leg up on my ff playing brethren. Now you’re more likely to debate the pronunciation of Philly QB Kevin Kolb’s last name and whether he merits to start in a ff fantasy football line up with me rather than your typical Packer banter.
Is it pronounced like Cob or like rhymes with Bulb? No one knows. It’s a big secret apparently. Either way, it was a heavily debated topic the other night at Anduzzi’s which soon delved into whether or not Kevin Kolb looks like me from a side angle.
Which he does FYI.
Another thing that boosted my love of football is buying numbers at Cropsey’s. Numbers are the best form of gambling ever. Any game with numbers involved is no different that sitting at a slot machine. Your numbers are up, you experience a high, someone misses a field goal or something, your numbers are off and you experience the low. Ups and downs, wins and losses, the same brain chemicals are at work, the only difference is you can watch an exciting football at the same time and you don’t have to sit next to some hacking, chain smoking grandma for three hours. Bonus.
You also have some form of control with numbers. I can count numerous instances where I’ve mentally channeled Aaron Rodgers and willed the offense to get a quick score in before half time in order to win some bucks. I did that like three times last season alone. Trying doing that with a slot machine. It doesn’t work.
Lastly, the Packers are a hot Super Bowl pick and Brett Favre is still playing, all perfect recipes for an exciting NFL season. But if I can make a suggestion, I think we should all collectively not mention the Packers and the Super Bowl any more until we actually get there. It seems like every hyped team in the NFL preseason has never actually made it to the Super Bowl, it’s usually always a sleeper and the stupid Colts so let’s just all calm down a little bit and enjoy the season and not jinx our awesome team this year.
We all agreed last Friday that Kevin Kolb is like a younger, older looking version of me with similar shitty facial hair growing abilities and inferior quarterbacking skills.
I know I sound like a broken record but fantasy football seriously changed my life. Conversations with me about football before Fantasy Football primarily consisted of me debating if Favre played a great game or merely a very good one. I could care less about any other game going on in the league.
But since I started playing fantasy football about four years ago, I’ve got a ravenous appetite for insider knowledge to give me a leg up on my ff playing brethren. Now you’re more likely to debate the pronunciation of Philly QB Kevin Kolb’s last name and whether he merits to start in a ff fantasy football line up with me rather than your typical Packer banter.
Is it pronounced like Cob or like rhymes with Bulb? No one knows. It’s a big secret apparently. Either way, it was a heavily debated topic the other night at Anduzzi’s which soon delved into whether or not Kevin Kolb looks like me from a side angle.
Which he does FYI.
Another thing that boosted my love of football is buying numbers at Cropsey’s. Numbers are the best form of gambling ever. Any game with numbers involved is no different that sitting at a slot machine. Your numbers are up, you experience a high, someone misses a field goal or something, your numbers are off and you experience the low. Ups and downs, wins and losses, the same brain chemicals are at work, the only difference is you can watch an exciting football at the same time and you don’t have to sit next to some hacking, chain smoking grandma for three hours. Bonus.
You also have some form of control with numbers. I can count numerous instances where I’ve mentally channeled Aaron Rodgers and willed the offense to get a quick score in before half time in order to win some bucks. I did that like three times last season alone. Trying doing that with a slot machine. It doesn’t work.
Lastly, the Packers are a hot Super Bowl pick and Brett Favre is still playing, all perfect recipes for an exciting NFL season. But if I can make a suggestion, I think we should all collectively not mention the Packers and the Super Bowl any more until we actually get there. It seems like every hyped team in the NFL preseason has never actually made it to the Super Bowl, it’s usually always a sleeper and the stupid Colts so let’s just all calm down a little bit and enjoy the season and not jinx our awesome team this year.
We all agreed last Friday that Kevin Kolb is like a younger, older looking version of me with similar shitty facial hair growing abilities and inferior quarterbacking skills.
Saturday, September 04, 2010
I'm engaged...
…to 1943 Sandy Springs Road, DePere, WI. Well, Town of Lawrence technically, just north of the Highland Ridge golf course. In any case, the consummation is scheduled for the end of the month at which point I will be married to this location for the long, unforeseeable future.
Marriage is a lot like buying a house. You are pretty much saying, I’m not going to stray on you, municipality, I’m here for you for the long term. With commitment comes stability, a sense of community, pride of ownership, and most importantly, you won’t have to pack and move as much and I HATE packing and moving almost as much as I hate pennies, earwigs, and Packer bye weeks.
The downside of getting married/buying a house is that you also lose your freedom, which is scary for anybody, especially in this economy. You can’t chase new job opportunities, or conversely, your job choices are way narrower if you are stuck in one location. Plus property taxes are a bitch.
Sure, you can always cheat. I cheated on my old ball and chain in Madison when I temporarily moved into that hussy of an apartment in Los Angeles last year. I had my reasons though. My house wanted to leak in the basement during heavy rain. I DIDN’T want it to do that. It resulted in a three year, bitter entanglement going through multiple realtors before we were finally able to divorce.
That was a bittersweet day for me. Despite our differences over the years, I only remember the good times. [Tear].
The place I am getting now is kind of like hooking up with a super hot chick way out of my league because I pounced on her while she was crying at the bar because her way more successful, douche bag boyfriend just dumped her a few hours ago i.e. I’m getting a foreclosed property. With enough time, said super hot chick would find another more successful boyfriend to be with, but my timing was better and I picked her up when her self esteem was at a temporary all-time low. Hoorah for me, I’m like that Keith Stone guy.
My only hang up is that there is a musty smell throughout the house. In other words, my baby might have a Chlamydia infection. The doctor/home inspector is checking it out on Tuesday, if there is clean bill of health, I’m going to boat this bass.
I really like this house. It’s a got a big ol’ round, beautiful backyard, just the way I like em’. Feel free to interpret that last sentence any way you want.
Okay, so wish me luck, this is going to be a big month for me. Hopefully all goes well, and I can have a reception aka a house warming party soon. Full kegger.
My bride to be. I hope everything works out for us but I'm not worried. Like a lot of men, if I start making more money, I can always trade for something younger and better looking.
Marriage is a lot like buying a house. You are pretty much saying, I’m not going to stray on you, municipality, I’m here for you for the long term. With commitment comes stability, a sense of community, pride of ownership, and most importantly, you won’t have to pack and move as much and I HATE packing and moving almost as much as I hate pennies, earwigs, and Packer bye weeks.
The downside of getting married/buying a house is that you also lose your freedom, which is scary for anybody, especially in this economy. You can’t chase new job opportunities, or conversely, your job choices are way narrower if you are stuck in one location. Plus property taxes are a bitch.
Sure, you can always cheat. I cheated on my old ball and chain in Madison when I temporarily moved into that hussy of an apartment in Los Angeles last year. I had my reasons though. My house wanted to leak in the basement during heavy rain. I DIDN’T want it to do that. It resulted in a three year, bitter entanglement going through multiple realtors before we were finally able to divorce.
That was a bittersweet day for me. Despite our differences over the years, I only remember the good times. [Tear].
The place I am getting now is kind of like hooking up with a super hot chick way out of my league because I pounced on her while she was crying at the bar because her way more successful, douche bag boyfriend just dumped her a few hours ago i.e. I’m getting a foreclosed property. With enough time, said super hot chick would find another more successful boyfriend to be with, but my timing was better and I picked her up when her self esteem was at a temporary all-time low. Hoorah for me, I’m like that Keith Stone guy.
My only hang up is that there is a musty smell throughout the house. In other words, my baby might have a Chlamydia infection. The doctor/home inspector is checking it out on Tuesday, if there is clean bill of health, I’m going to boat this bass.
I really like this house. It’s a got a big ol’ round, beautiful backyard, just the way I like em’. Feel free to interpret that last sentence any way you want.
Okay, so wish me luck, this is going to be a big month for me. Hopefully all goes well, and I can have a reception aka a house warming party soon. Full kegger.
My bride to be. I hope everything works out for us but I'm not worried. Like a lot of men, if I start making more money, I can always trade for something younger and better looking.
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