Unfortunately, that will probably be the best net result once the election season is over, regardless of what candidate wins. I use the term “win” loosely because all the candidates are losers. Nothing is going to change and that is frustrating.
I really like the idea of the Tea Party and their ideology but our current political system will inherently eat them alive. The problem with politics is that some of the very best ideas involve making a hundred million people a teeny tiny little bit better off at the expense of pissing off a disproportionately small but vocal and sympathetic group of people.
For example, if I were in a position in power, the first thing I would do is abolish the penny. Seriously. I’ve explained this before. I would save the American people a buck or two in taxes because pennies are subsidized and cost more to make than they are actually worth and make all Americans a wee bit better off because everyone hates pennies because they smell worse than my the roof of my dog's mouth.
But then two things would happen. Either 1.) someone would write a newspaper story about all the penny factory workers losing their jobs and they would picket and everyone would feel sorry for them and vote me out of office or 2.) the powerful zinc and copper lobbyists would cut my campaign funds and back some other pro-penny candidate and I would be voted out of office. Either way I lose so I end up adding a rider to some useless bill mandating the expansion of our penny factories across the country. Sucks.
Of course this is all hypothetical. If I ever ran for office, I’m pretty this picture I got tagged from facebook over the weekend would surface and derail that pipedream pretty quickly.
Sex Text Favre will be a tough one to bounce back from, not going to lie to you. It’s unfortunate, because my only crime is being really clever at coming up with topical Halloween costumes. Or obscure movie characters from the 80’s. I’m good at that, too.
The other travesty is that I think I have the political experience and acumen to really make a difference if I ran for office. Most of you probably know that I was the first student council president of Danz Elementary School in 1992. I can’t remember if I ran on a platform of budget constraint and fiscal conservancy or putting the principal in a dunk tank booth at our annual carnival but one thing I know for sure; I ran an effective administration then and I could do it again now…all the way to the White House.
But Facebook is going to have me by the balls so what is the point? How is our generation ever going to be taken seriously when running for office someday? I guarantee Facebook has some server storing every picture ever published in order to blackmail our generation when we eventually sober up. How else is that thing going to make money? It ain’t from selling banner ads for ironic t-shirts, that is for sure.
My guess is that Joe Daniels is going to end up running the country, since he is the last man standing on Earth without a Facebook account. May God help us all.
In the meantime, get out and vote tomorrow, and if you really want to make a difference, thank a policy maker for saving you and your future kids a couple of bucks in taxes (if they are making difficult budget cuts). They could use your support. Complain about pennies, too. And watch Walking Dead on AMC, it’s an awesome show and I don’t want it cancelled.
Here's a nice picture of me and my girlfriend and my big fake wang hanging out. You can't tell here but I was wearing crocs. Those stupid things cost $30 bucks! Totally worth it, though.
7 comments:
Were you playing your fake dong like a guitar in that first picture?
No, close though. I believe in that particular photo, I was riding it like a wooden horse around the bar.
Thanks Ben. So now I can expect an onslaught of terrifying pictures of me in which Abbey will be tagged?
Oh, and why was the penis upside down in that picture?
Great Question! I don't know!
Nice job with the "silver fox" hair.
Have you added ability to make a profound likeness of Brett Favre's reproductive organs to your resume yet?
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