Someone make High School Football Fantasy Camp a thing, please.

My dad’s credit union recently made a donation to Ashwaubenon High School to replace the football field grass to artificial turf that will allow a lot more use out of the facility.   This is a real missed opportunity.  Not because there are more worthy charity endeavors than replacing grass for a football field.  I’m talking about implementing my plan for high school football fantasy camp.

The idea is simple.   All season long,  offer 20 rotating spots on the practice squad for one week for like a thousand dollars a pop.  I would do this in a heartbeat. 

That turf could have been paid for 10 times over by Homecoming.  And the cash flow would be constant with dudes coming in at various points in their life cycles every five years or so.

I especially regret that that there was no high school football fantasy camp when I was 26 or 27 when I blossomed as a man.   I had a hard time not laughing out loud writing that last sentence even though it’s true.   I was in peak physical condition and a lot more coordinated than I was in high school, I could have cracked some cocky teenager skulls and it would have been glorious. 

The next prime stage would be like right about now, in my early 30’s.  I got into an argument at Cropseys just last weekend about this.  I think I could still hang with those high school kids but Mallien assured me that I would get killed at this point in my football career.   I honestly don’t know what would happen but I would think there would be a lot of wagering amongst friends and it would be interesting.

The next phase would be long and it would basically just be a bunch of pathetic old guys joining for the camaraderie and to ogle the girls on the Pom Pom squad without setting off an amber alert.  Do those girls still practice routines outside in their sports bras?  I don’t know.  But I’ll find out when I’m 45.   Can’t wait.

Phase 4 is where it gets interesting again.   This is when dads are joining high school football fantasy camp in order to find a legitimate means to stomp their sons.  I can’t wait to run the gauntlet with my future son, who I love very much, but God he thinks he knows everything but he really doesn’t know shit.  Worst-case scenario, you end up making a complete ass of yourself in which case your kid is still humiliated in front of his friends, which is cool.

After your kids are graduated it’s back to the Pom Pom ogling for another decade or so but then you would have one last shot at greatness as you eventually develop OLD MAN STRENGTH which everyone knows make you invincible.   You can stomp everyone, even the 26 year olds.  There’s no point in them trying to stop you, their youth and stamina only make you angrier.   Then you ride off into the sunset in a grizzled blaze of glory before being put into a nursing home.   It’s a perfect plan.

And that pussy baby grass would be paid for, which we didn’t have as a kid.  Damn kids are spoiled these days.   Someone make this happen. I would but I’m busy.