Halloween is the New Christmas II

If you came looking for the most critical and objective coverage of Halloween Madison 2006, then you came to the right place. Your ace reporter in the field has gotten the complete scoop in case you missed out on this year’s festivities.

I know some of you must be wondering to yourselves, “Isn’t Ben, like, 25 years old or something? What’s his geriatric ass doing on State Street with all those young college kids? Shouldn’t he have grown out of Halloween by now?”

Well, I have three VERY good reasons why Halloween is still my favorite Holiday:




Okay, let me explain. I had good and honest intentions to just snap pictures of the best and worst costumes on State Street, and maybe some riot coverage if the shit went down. But after a few whiskey and cokes, the camera kind of started doing its own thing. Imagine that!

But here are some of the best costumes I saw this year. They probably vary quite a bit from a normal person’s idea of a great costume, as I tend to judge based on obscurity, randomness, and suffering caused from exposure to the frigid October weather.


I went as Ace Ventura this year. Prior to this picture, I just got done executing a buttonhook fly pattern in super slo-mo.



My hat goes off to you, Teen Wolf. Michael J. Fox would be proud.













I wonder what the Over/Under is on these guys coming out of the closet within the next year. I've got a hundred bucks that says they'll be quitting their jobs and working in beauty salons by the end of the month.





And the Obscurity Award goes to Buster Bluth, complete with hook hand, from Arrested Development. Nice work, buddy.



My brother's rendition of Magnum P.I. even though, personally, I think he looks more like Mike Ditka on vacation playing a round of golf.









This costume reeks of effort.


Award-winning photography right here.


This chick simply can't get over how awesome my costume is.


My biggest beef with Halloween this year is that the stupid $5 cover charge to get on State Street sort of sucked the life out the event. Halloween used to be about debauchery, drunkeness,and getting as rowdy as possible, all in the name of good fun. You certainly wouldn't expose a small child to it. This year there was about half as many people in attendance and half of THOSE people were a bunch of old farts gawking like a bunch of slack-jawed yokels. It's gotten too commercial, mannnnn. I fear the glory days of Halloween Madison may be waning.

Anyhoo, the winner for best Halloween Costume goes to...drum roll please...


Joe Barrie as Robert Goulet. From two years ago. Seriously, Joe, you set a bar that will probably not be beat for quite some time. I thought I made a pretty decent stab at the title last year with my human sudoku puzzle but it still pales in comparison.

Happy Holidays, Everyone!

6 Reasons Why Phoenix Might Be More Rad Than Wisconsin

I was in Phoenix most of last week for work. It’s a pretty sweet town. Below are six reasons why Phoenix might be more rad than Wisconsin.

1. In-N-Out Burgers:
Have you ever been to one of these before? It’s genius. Some brilliant restaurateur back in California woke up one morning and said to himself, “you know what, from here on out, my menu is only going to have two things: cheeseburgers and french fries. And they’re going to rock the pants off the competition.” Well, you did it, guy. You kept it simple and the result is the best fast-food meal on the market. You get TWO Gold Stars for the day.


2. Circle K Convenience Stores:
I made a point to only frequent Circle K Convenience Stores whenever I needed gas or random shit. Why? Because every time I got out of my car, I would say real loudly in my best Keanu Reeves voice, “Something strange is afoot at the Circle K.” Then I would look around with a bemused look on my face, like I couldn’t believe how clever I was being, to see if anybody “got it”. Nobody did. Apparently no one in the greater Phoenix metropolitan area has ever seen Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. That is definately most non-triumphant. That bit would have killed amongst my friends here. Wyld Stalyns Rule!


"Hey, Ted. I don't think anyone in Phoenix has ever seen our 1989 classic."
"Whoaaaa, Bogus."

3. The Blue Angels:

I was checking out a development site near Luke Air Force Base when all of a sudden, the Blue Angels Fighter Squadron came screaming over my windshield where they proceeded to perform some of the craziest aerials I have ever seen. Some locals later informed me that the Blue Angels were practicing for an air show that was going on later that week. It seemed like a logical explanation, but I knew deep down, those amazing acrobatics were meant just for me. It was the United States Air Force’s way of saluting, “tipping their hat,” if you will, to the grand machismo that is Ben Wollin. It was a fine gesture indeed, and one that I’m sure I would get more often from our other branches of the Armed Forces if it wasn’t for Wisconsin’s stubborn weather conditions, which brings me to my next point…


Don't let anybody tell you otherwise, these fighter planes are fueled exclusively with raw testosterone.

4. Bitchin’ Weather:
Sunny and 85 degrees with not a cloud in the sky. Would you like that forecast in late October, sir? Yes, please.

5. Cabela’s Superstore:
If Ted Nugent and Walt Disney’s cryogenically frozen head ever got together to design a new theme park, it would probably come close to the Cabela’s Superstore in Glendale, Arizona. The store is 160,000 SF of guns, knives, boats, bows, guns, camping gear, fishing tackle, outdoor clothing, and guns. Seriously, this place boasts an armory that rivals most industrialized nations. But it also has a lot of stuff for the fam, like an aquarium, animal museum, restaurant and candy store, and a play area which includes a shooting gallery. Firearms and kids, together at last!

6. Drive-Thru Liquor Stores:
If an idea like this is going to work anywhere, you would think it would most definitely work in Wisconsin. Why don’t we have these here!? Woodmans, I want you taking notes on this. I expect a full report and implementation plan by the end of the week.



"Um..could I get a number 2, but with Colt 45 instead of Old English, a side order of bottle of Jack Daniels, and two, wait, do you guys need something back there, yeah, better make that four bottles of Boones Farm. Oooh, I see pack of cigs is now on your value menu. We'll take a couple of those, too."

Motorboating: Passing Fad or America's New Favorite Pastime?

Every once in awhile, a movie comes along and redefines the definition of sexy. When the movie Ghost came out, nobody looked at a pottery wheel the same ever again after that steamy scene with Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore. Likewise, nobody EVER thought of getting into threesomes until the release of Wild Things, where Denise Richards, Neve Cambell, and Matt Dillon taught us that sex with more than one other person can be more than just a pipedream.

I like to think that instances of Motorboating have skyrocketed after being popularized by Vince Vaughn in Wedding Crashers. In case you don’t know what Motorboating is, it is simply the act of sticking one’s face between two breasts and making a hilarious motorboat sound. I know this entertaining act is taking the country by storm, but is there a way to prove it?

Since there is not a lot of reliable data out there on the subject of Motorboating (dammit Census Bureau!), I decided to seek out empirical evidence, but I didn’t know where to start. Then it hit me:

My roommate has ginormous boobs.

I’m not kidding. Her boobs are so big, I have to charge them separate rent. Apiece. One month, I almost had to evict one of them because of a late payment. That was a weird conversation:

“Abbey, I’ve always appreciated your timely rent payments, actually you AND Sally Sweetmilk have always been great tenants, but something HAS to be done about Ms. Daisy Danglehard.

Anyways, I naturally assumed that my best friend Joe, who is dating this girl, was an expert in the art of Motorboating so I thought I’d get the scoop from him. I’ve transcribed the results of my investigative reporting below:

Me: Hey, Joe, How often to you go Motorboating on Abbey?
Joe: Um…don’t you think that’s kind of inappropriate?
Me: Yeah, but so was naming your girlfriend’s left and right boob, and I didn’t stop there, now did it?
Joe: I guess I can’t argue with that logic. I Motorboat two or three times daily, four if she’s had a particular rough day.
Me: Interesting. This conversation fascinates me.

So there you have it, folks. Based on this one fictional conversation with Joe, I think America’s love affair with Motorboating will continue indefinitely.

I can already envision how great my married life is going to be some day because of this exciting turn of events. I see my kids grabbing their Knightrider Lunch Boxes off the counter and hurrying off to catch the bus to school. Myself, I look down at my watch and notice I’m running late, so I throw down my Wall Street Journal on the breakfast table, grab my briefcase, and say good-bye to my loving wife before I dash off to another day at the rat races.

But instead of the clichéd peck on the cheek, I’m going to grab her real close, get my face all up in ‘em, and, well, you know, BBBTTTPPPBBBTTTPPP!

If that doesn’t say “Love ya, hun”, I don’t know what will.



Hey!? This isn’t what I ordered! Talk about false advertising! Oh well, at least I have my subscription to Taint Quarterly to keep me occupied…

Happy Brett Favre Day!

Tis’ the season everyone. I know it sounds like another one of my fantasy blogs but our very wise state legislators thought the constituents of Wisconsin needed another reason to celebrate Brett Favre’s greatness by giving us a state holiday today to honor his birthday. I was already planning on celebrating, I’m just happy congress legitimized it.

If you don’t believe me, check this out:

Doyle Passes Law to Celebrate Brett Favre

Crazy, huh? In order to properly celebrate this monumental occasion, I’ve created some Brett Favre Day E-Greeting Cards to pass on to your family, co-workers, and no-good rotten friends from Minnesota.

This one is classic:



If your dirty Minnesota friends give you shit over this one, politely remind them that the Minnesota State Legislature is free to honor Brad Johnson with a holiday whenever they please.



Speaks for itself:



I like this one because you can send it whenever you want, it works all year round.



There you have it. I would have been happier if the state legislature would have made the holiday four days instead of one (it only makes sense), but I’ll take what I can get. Now if only there was some way to get off work.

To kick off Brett Favre Day, I recommend watching this clip from Monday Night Football. I watch it every day before I go to work and sometimes before I go to bed. It puts me in a good mood. I recommend you do the same.

Shit That Happened to me in 7th Grade: The Hottest Girls of Parkview Middle School 1995

I decided that I would like to add a new regular column to my beloved Brain Litter, a segment called Shit that Happened to Me in 7th Grade. This segment will feature entries and pictures from my journal at that time period, the original Brain Litter, if you will.

Let me give you a little background here before you just go diving in head first into my deepest, most personal thoughts from eleven years ago.

The year is 1995. I just started Parkview Middle School after transferring from Edison Middle School on the east side of Green Bay. I was kind of chubby, my voice cracked after every other syllable that sputtered out of my mouth, and my mother still dressed me with hand-me-down clothes from God knows where. Add to the fact that middle schoolers are generally just evil and ruthless to any kid different in any sort of way and you’ll get a fairly accurate idea of the mentality that I was in.

My journal was a way to vent my frustrations with the world and to sort out any other random idea I had in my head at the time. I suppose I could have talked it out with Zak Mott and Mike Petresek, who were my best friends at the time, but I’m pretty sure they were only using me so they could play with my Sega CD.

The best way I can describe my journal is to paint you a picture of a typical entry. Imagine me sprawled out on my bedroom floor with my notebook, Zak and Mike are playing Sewer Shark, completely indifferent that I’m even in the room, and Weezer, the Blue Album, is playing at full volume in the background.

Okay, I know you’re all dying to see my list (dated April 1, 1994) so here it is. Keep in mind that the page before this list contained a map that I drew of where all the popular kids sat in the cafeteria and the page after this list contained schematics for a water balloon bazooka:



First of all, if you’re a girl from the AHS graduating class of 2000 and you’re reading this blog post right now, I’m sorry you didn’t make the cut. In all honesty here, it was probably because you didn’t have any boobs yet. What can I say? I was really immature at the time.

Secondly, yup, Katie Knott. She was the only girl I knew going in to Parkview because she went to my church. When I first started my journal, I basically transcribed, verbatim, every dialogue exchanged between the two of us during band practice. Then I would write about what song we performed in percussion and how well I played. It was not compelling writing to say the least, but I got progressively better at capturing my thoughts as the drama of 7th grade unfolded before me.

Third, the Word of the Day. I concluded all my entries with a word of the day. Sometimes the word of the day had enormous reverence to the journal entry preceding it, sometimes it was an obscure reference to The State on MTV. I’m guessing in this case, I was leaning towards the latter.

Well, I hope you enjoyed Part I of Shit That Happened to Me in 7th Grade. Even if you never had the privilege of attending Parkview Middle School, I hope you can appreciate the universal themes of surviving that hellish period in life known as puberty.

More to come in the next few months…

Alright, alright, I know you all want to see the map of where the cool kids sat at lunch time. You didn’t actually think I would hint about something THAT funny and not post it, now did you?



Hey, look at this motley assortment of characters!



This photo has gotten pretty dinged up over the years. I'm still not sure why I poked holes in my own eyes. I was probably lashing out at the world because my mom wouldn't buy me the Gibaud jeans and Cool Water cologne that was neccesary for me to fit in with the cool crowd.