Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Part II & III - 6 Reasons to Patronize McDonalds This Month

Chicken McNuggets may be king for the next two weeks but that won’t fool a true McDonald’s veteran like myself: The double cheeseburger or simply the “DCB” is still the best value for a dollar anywhere on the planet.

I am cheap. There I said it. I like cheap shit. I am the only person I know that brings a calculator to the grocery store. Not to keep a tab on price totals and keep my spending within a set budget, oh good God no. I have no set budget when I shop and have never carried a list of things I need. I use a calculator to compare the various net weights of foods to their respective price tag, maximizing ounces to dollars for optimal fullness.

This same kind of logic applies to fast food cravings. In my mind, there are only two options to get full on the cheap, call it two bucks. How do you get full for two bucks? Easy. The DCB and the Half-Pound Beef & Potato Burrito at Taco Bell.

Let’s put these two gut grenades to the test. We’ll also throw Chicken McNuggets in there just for the sake of argument.

The criteria used for judging these items are as follows: Value (by the objective measure of dollars per ounce), Volume, Taste, and Probability of Horrific Bowel Movements post-dining. The scale is measured from the low to high with the item having the LOWEST total score being the BEST all around solution to your snack attack. I have displayed the summary results in this here excel spreadsheet because that’s just what I do.



As you can see, the DCB is the clear victor in this study by an overwhelming margin to the Beef and Potato in spite of its high scores in value and volume. I know I may get some argument here, especially with the DCB having a higher taste score than the McNuggets, but let’s look at the facts.

The DCB is tasty. It’s beef. It’s cheese. It’s delicious. It probably tastes as good now as it did back when Ray Kroc first decided to declare war on our waistbands back in 1950 or whatever.

Now call me nostalgic but I kind of miss the old Chicken McNuggets. The ones that were cooked in trans fats, kind of gray inside, and, if I remember correctly, used to contain a small percentage of fish. I’m not joking about that fish part, I read that somewhere, I think.

Either way, McNuggets used to be more awesome even if they didn’t contain 100% all-white Pigeon meat that they use today.

Still more to follow…

1/21/07


I don’t know why I feel so compelled to keep going on this inane topic but here goes.

Don’t get me wrong, Chicken McNuggets are great and they are still full of surprises. Just the other day, I decided to get a little crazy and get the honey mustard sauce instead of my bread n’ butter Sweet n’ Sour. The experience was almost divine, it was so good. It was a great way to mix things up over this two week McMarathon of value.

FYI, while I was doing my homework for this post, I stumbled upon this sweet little factoid: Sweet N’ Sour sauce is actually a combination of Apricot flavoring, soy sauce, vinegar, and chili pepper. No shit, huh? That’s what I thought, too.

Anyways, an often overlooked criterion for judging the merits of these snacks is volume. It’s not enough to be physically full, I also want to be psychologically full. The DCB loses some points in this respect as it tends to resemble a dense brick of processed meat and cheese. Just looking at it, you wouldn’t think your stomach would be satisfied. Same thing goes with the McNuggets even though the calorie and fat count would tell you otherwise.

The Beef and Potato Burrito has many quality attributes, including value per ounce and volume, it’s just that the taste doesn’t compare to the above. The consistency of its inner-workings are rarely the same, so it’s kind of a crap-shoot whether or not you’re getting equal distribution of beef and potato. The last few bites always suck too because it is usually just bunched up tortilla and maybe some sour cream if you’re lucky. Weak.

And don’t even get me started with the shits factor. I think we’ve all felt the wrath of Taco Bell at least once in our lives so I’ll leave it at that. As interesting as I find this subject, I wish to avoid alienating my female readers.

In order to combat some the DCB’s shortcomings, I have devised the ultimate order scheme. The order needs a contender so we’re going to pit it against a classic: The Number 5 Value Meal with a Coke. To those who need a refresher, that would be a Quarter Pounder w/Cheese and a large French fry.

Retail price: $5.50: Total Calories: 1,390 Total Fat: 56 Grams. Total Weight: 12.98 Ounces*

* I did not include the weight of the cola beverage because liquids only temporarily trick your stomach that it is full and does not actually contribute to an official state of fullness.

Now look at my method, we’ll call it the Ben Wollin combo. It involves items exclusive to the dollar menu.

1. A DCB. No surprises there.

2. Double Hamburger. Why a Double Hamburger instead of a DCB? To be honest, I think you’re asking for trouble eating four slices of American cheese in one sitting. It’s almost dangerously cheesy. I recommend swapping the bottoms so you get one slice of cheese per double burger, resulting in a perfect distribution of meat, bun, and cheese.

3. Small fry. You don’t need a large fry, trust me.

4. A Side Salad. This is to tackle that whole volume issue. Simply stuff the lettuce in your sandwiches, giving your brain the impression that you are actually eating two large mouth-watering burgers.

5. Fruit and Yogurt Parfait. Instead of digesting those empty calories with the cola, you actually get some kind of nourishment.

Retail Price: $5.00 Total Calories: A meager 1,200. Fat: 55 grams (but who’s counting?) Weight: 21.59 ounces.

There you go. You get almost twice as much food, the taste and volume are all there, and you’re getting some greens and fruits and yogurts and stuff so you don’t have to feel guilty all day. In fact, you’d be stupid NOT to get the Ben Wollin combo.

I realize the best bet for your body is to avoid McDonald’s entirely but that is not what this post is about. It’s about getting the best bang for your buck. Right now, that means stocking up on McNuggets. To date, my McNugget count is at 43. That’s an odd number and I’ll tell you why. Two simple words: bonus McNugget. You can imagine how happy I was last Saturday when I found SEVEN McNuggets in my cute little McNugget bin.

That boot-shaped little guy made my weekend, let me tell you. It’s the little things, right?



Check out my new license plate. Not only does it proudly display my affinity for Chicken McNuggets, but is also a great way to not get pulled over on a weekend night.

33 comments:

Anonymous said...

absolutely unbelievable.. you know what i'm thinking. I'll leave it at that.

Anonymous said...

Ben Wollin, you never cease to amaze me. Almost makes me wish I had never stopped eating at McDonalds after watching Super Size Me.

Suzy Hepworth said...

Y'know in the UK we get absolute jack for a dollar - over here Maccy D's has the pound saver menu - which includes the double cheeseburger.

Going on the exchange rate roughly as it is we pay $2 for a smaller version of what you get.

One word. Appalled.

Suze x
http://romanticallycynical.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

HaHa! Just one more reason why the U.S.A. rocks!!

Wohlhan86 said...

Don't you find it a little ironic that the UK McDonald's value menu is called the "pound saver" when you will more likely than not GAIN pounds from eating said menu items?

Anonymous said...

Aahh...so you're the douche-wad I see at the grocery store with his calculator - scratching his head and mumbling something to himself about Roundy's Frosted Tasteeos. It’s a certain kind of man who brings a calculator to the grocery store – the same kind of man who uses smiley faces in text messages.

It seems all the grease and trans fat have destroyed one too many of your brain cells, Ben. Your shoddy reasoning skills are almost as horrible as your obviously unrefined palate.

Your entire "study" is based mostly on subjective criteria. Taste? The Shits? I get the shits merely from thinking about Taco Bell or McDonald's.

And Value? You may think $1 for 2 patties of putrefied cow's flesh is a good deal. But, as any fool knows, value is derived mainly from social consensus, and it's very telling that the DBC is now valued only at $1. What you think is a great deal is actually just a reflection of the laughably low value that society places on this poor excuse for meat.

Which is why I only eat $40 medium rare filet mignon prepared by my personal gourmet chef and trusty man-servant Rigoberto. And, of course, my daily jager schnitzel served to me by bosomy frauleins wearing tight lederhosen. Oh wait...

Wohlhan86 said...

Well if it isn't another long-winded, elist response from my old pal, Professor Dictionary.

Prof. Dic, you seem to me, the type of guy that drives around in a hybrid all day with his nose in the air because he thinks he's better than everybody. Am I far off there?

I digress.

I was being facetious about bringing a calculator to the grocery store, unless you count the awesome logic machine that is my brain.

And thank you, Captain Obvious, on your conclusion that I was being subjective. You are definately the first person to realize that taste and the shits are entirely in the mouth and ass of the beholder. Good work.

Finally, it's a D-C-B, and not a D-B-C. Your powers of observation never cease to amaze me.

Anonymous said...

Just when you thought he was banished from Brainlitter, Mr. Nai . . .err, ah, Prof Dictionary has reared his Ugly Head.

Now I am not going to go into some grammatically superior take (the kind one can only get from 5 plus years of an undergraduate degree). I am simply going to provide some information to our readers as to the bias of your take.

You sir are the Douche. When the rest of America decides to get snack or quick meal from McDonald’s you probably make some sour puss face and spout off about the virtues of Wendy’s or, god forbid, Hardee’s. There is a reason McDonald’s is on the top of the food chain in Fast food. VALUE.

All fast food chains sell the same low grad dog food, yet some how Wendy’s has convinced your dumb ass to pay more for it. (Maybe I’m wrong, maybe you just like mayonnaise. I know your mom likes MY mayonnaise)

To go a step further, you are probably the kind of guy who whenever EBay is brought up, must insist on also mentioning Craig’s list. Why? Not because it’s better, but because your snobbery forces you to make people think you know more than they do. We all know Craig’s list is out there, but if I want an item why go to a garage sale when I can search the whole mall.

Back to the original argument, if you were so smart, you would bring a calculator to the grocery store. Save some money and stop Renting. The author of Brainlitter doesn’t rent, he owns, in fact, he has renters. Probably some Neanderthals who DON’T bring calculators. (except for his one renter who thinks we should all share and there should be no free market, we have words for people like him, communist? No, Homeless).

For too long, Prof. Dictionary has sniped with his Vocabulary that cost him $20,000 but only can earn him minimum wage (how’s that for value?). I’m on to you bub, the game has changed.

In closing, I would have to assume that the author of Brainlitter and Prof Dictionary are both Women. Men don’t go to the grocery store!

Out, Bitches!

Anonymous said...

Is JD a Communist, or a Socialist?

Would Brett Favre rather eat a DCB or a six piece? Or would he rather hunt down a bear, kill it with his bare hands, start a fire with his laser-vision, and roast that fucker right then and there? Maybe he could skip the fire and just roast the bear with his Supreme Powers?

These are the thoughts that kept (and still keep) me out of the good schools.

Anonymous said...

Wow, what a rousing debate. However, there are some factual inaccuracies that I would be remiss if I did not subject the readers of this fine blog to.

The author's criteria of "taste" and (to use his own vulgar terminology) "the shits" are not as subjective as these commentators are suggesting. Both the Labelled Magnitude Scale (LMS) and magnitude estimation (ME) are scientifically supported objective scales for measuring taste satisfaction. By measuring psychological functions during sensory engagement, these two scales are able to objectively determine the amount of taste satisfaction derived. And I'm certain that our bloggist derived his scale in the most scientific way possible.

In addition, arguing that a criteria such a "the shits" is subjective is quite ridiculous. Correct me if I'm wrong, but criteria such as consistency, ease of evacuation, amount of bowel movements within a 12 hour period, and others can be used to measure something as scientific as an expulsion of fecal matter.

To Professor Dictionary I raise this question: If society decided not to value the $40 filet mignon that you prefer, and the price subsequently dropped to $1, would you then change your opinion of said meat? Or would you relish in the foolhardiness of those whose unrefined palettes caused such a fortuitous turn in your own dietary life?

And to Mr. Loblaw, as much as it pains me to reveal this information, you're own personal bias must be brought to light. As a former McDonald's employee (at the ripe old age of 21, no less) you clearly have a vested interest in seeing McDonald's praised as the leader of the fast food industry based on nothing but value alone. However, statistical evidence will reveal that McDonalds spends considerably more than any other fast food chain on marketing, thus ensuring their dominance in the market.

And lastly, our bloggist. Someone with as much wit and creativity as you have displayed in your numerous posts should be able to come up with a better response to an antagonizer than something out of the latest episode of South Park, or correcting a simple grammar mistake (that's my job).

However, since the level of insults on this forum has degraded to the point it has, I will add one of my own. All three of you seem to be the type of bastards that are so smug you love the smell of your own farts.

Anonymous said...

Speaking of farts. A couple of weeks a go we were at Buffalow Wild Wings (B Dubs) watching UFC. 8 of us were piled into one of those oversized booths with the wooden benches to sit on. After a good mix of Jerk wings, Booze and Beer. I let fly with a good tumpeting.

It had such fantastic Vibration and Resonance that not only did Pat Naidl (seated next to me) check his phone to see if it was ringing on vibrate, but Laura Rebman (seated next to Pat) Checked hers as well.

When the realization of what had happened set in for them, I could no longer hide it, and really, why would I want to?

Farts Rule!

Anonymous said...

Chris Jordan, god bless you, you beautiful bastard

Anonymous said...

Thank God we're talking farts; there is no place on this blog for sanctimonious platitudes and meandering arguments over grammatical errors(did you bother reading the second sentence of your own post, rodeo?)

In any case, one glorious day at AHS, I let out a helluvan SBD in Miss Woodkey's Spanish II class, much to the chagrin of the members of the group with which I was working. At the height of it's stench, Mike Plumb, being the clever bastard he is, decided to raise his hand and have Miss Woodkey (whom at the time was the only hot teacher in school aside from Joey's mom) come help us. The look on her face as she tried to hide her disgust was something I'll carry with me until the day I die.

Anonymous said...

Wow, I haven't heard a "hot mom" comment in years. What a refreshing reminder of days gone by. Way to sneak that in so casually.

Anonymous said...

Seeing JD squirm in psych 2 when his mom was talking about human sexual behavior was almost as priceless as the Woodkey incident...

Was it part of the approved curriculum, or was she just trying to torture her son?

Anonymous said...

I'll have you know my farts smell like petunias.

And, at the risk of defending Wendy's, let us not forget who pioneered the dollar menu in the first place...

Anonymous said...

Attempting to correct MY grammar are you, threepio? A mere protocol droid challenging one so well learned in the ways of grammar as to have incorporated the very word itself into my online moniker? Well, you've called down the thunder now.

"...with which I was working"?? With WHICH?! Oh, good sir, I find your attempt at anecdotal storytelling laughable. Ha. I believe the word you were looking for was whom, just as I'm sure the word you were looking for when describing this poor man's mother was WHO, and not whom. I would have expected more from an English major, but then again we all know what a degree from the University of Wisconsin at Eau Claire is worth.

Perhaps, in my haste to put those previous commentators in their online place, I may have overlooked some of the finer points of past and present tense. Or maybe I was simply laying a trap for some poor fool to wonder into as a warning to others...

Anonymous said...

The sound of you fools arguing over grammar and improper word usage is sweet music to my ears.

Don't you know that my sole purpose for posting on this blog is to incite strife and unrest? Every admonishment for a misused "whom" or "there" only makes me stronger.

I'm like an undead zombie who gains strength from feasting on the brains of the living, or that supervillain dude from the smash television hit sensation "Heroes."

JoeBlogs said...

McD's have been cloning food for a while, the double cheeseburger. Best be careful.

Anonymous said...

Joeblogs is a Douche

Anonymous said...

Just antagonizing random people now, eh Loblaw? Good to see those socialization classes are working so well.

Anonymous said...

One slice?? ONE SLICE?! I always knew you were a Nancy, but come on! If you want to live your life like a little girl that's fine, but don't subject the readers of your blog to such ludicrous advice.

Frankly I find the idea of a one slick DCB offensive.

Wohlhan86 said...

Let's see here... Childish name calling? Check. Mundane semantic and grammar usage arguments? Check. Obscure fart stories from the past? Check.

Well I think I accomplished all that could be accomplished in my McNugget tome here.

Til next week, gentlemen. Good show. Good show.

Anonymous said...

Ha! I told JD I wondered if anyone would take the bait on the whole grammar thing, as obvious as it was. You win the douche award, Rodeo. And how the hell do you know my identity? Time to switch it up...

Anonymous said...

It was a long and arduous process, but I finally did it. Securing a douch award (or "Douchey") is an accomplishment I've long sought but often doubted I would ever achieve.

There are so many people to thank. I couldn't have done without the antagonizing Professor Dictionary, who first turned this forum from random thoughts to a veritable battlefield of wits. Threepio, your challenges certainly drew out the gammar nazi within. Loblaw, you raised the level of combativeness to new heights and have brought out the best (or worst) in all of us.

And finally our venerable bloggist. Without your musings on innanity we would have no basis for our wars of words. Never stop blogging.

Having realized this life-long goal I feel it's time for a sabbatical. But should the forces of poor grammar rear their ugly heads again, you can be sure that I will return.

We really shook the pillars of heaven.

Anonymous said...

All I can say is wow. I begin to wonder, what y'all do for a living! I have never seen so much heart poured into blog postings in my life. But alas, My wit cannot begin to compare to the low blows and fart stories. But I will say this to the blog writer. How would speaking of the shits alienate your female readers? Are you insinuating that girls don't poop? Cuz they do. They poop quite often. And they fart. And they fart in their friends faces like boys do. And they giggle when they fart. And they even walk out of the bathroom and suggest to passerbys to avoid the area for a good 20 minutes. So there ya have it. It's a fact. Girls poop.

Wohlhan86 said...

Girls poop? Yeah, right! That's gross.

Anonymous said...

I think this Alicia Marie is lying to us. In fact, I have to question whether or not she really is a woman, or if she even knows any women. Because it has been my personal experience that the female fart is as elusive as the sasquatch, and that the female poop is nothing more than a myth.

Anonymous said...

Oh boy. I don't know what it will take for boys to understand that girls poop. And if you think, turd ferguson, that girls farts are quiet and brief. I will prove you wrong. If you were a real woman, and I don't mean those prissy girls with the fake bleach blonde hair and the pathetic giggles at every guys joke, then you won't be afraid to let one loose and laugh about it. And when the guy with you says, gross. That girl will say "deal with it, it's a fact of life". Girls poop. And Girls fart. And it's hot.

Wohlhan86 said...

Amen!

Anonymous said...

Welcome to Brain Litter, Alicia Marie. We're glad to have you.

Anonymous said...

I want the Big N' Nasty back on the dollar menu.

Anonymous said...

No one enjoys a Big N' Nasty like LUMBY DOES!