Part II & III - 6 Reasons to Patronize McDonalds This Month

Chicken McNuggets may be king for the next two weeks but that won’t fool a true McDonald’s veteran like myself: The double cheeseburger or simply the “DCB” is still the best value for a dollar anywhere on the planet.

I am cheap. There I said it. I like cheap shit. I am the only person I know that brings a calculator to the grocery store. Not to keep a tab on price totals and keep my spending within a set budget, oh good God no. I have no set budget when I shop and have never carried a list of things I need. I use a calculator to compare the various net weights of foods to their respective price tag, maximizing ounces to dollars for optimal fullness.

This same kind of logic applies to fast food cravings. In my mind, there are only two options to get full on the cheap, call it two bucks. How do you get full for two bucks? Easy. The DCB and the Half-Pound Beef & Potato Burrito at Taco Bell.

Let’s put these two gut grenades to the test. We’ll also throw Chicken McNuggets in there just for the sake of argument.

The criteria used for judging these items are as follows: Value (by the objective measure of dollars per ounce), Volume, Taste, and Probability of Horrific Bowel Movements post-dining. The scale is measured from the low to high with the item having the LOWEST total score being the BEST all around solution to your snack attack. I have displayed the summary results in this here excel spreadsheet because that’s just what I do.



As you can see, the DCB is the clear victor in this study by an overwhelming margin to the Beef and Potato in spite of its high scores in value and volume. I know I may get some argument here, especially with the DCB having a higher taste score than the McNuggets, but let’s look at the facts.

The DCB is tasty. It’s beef. It’s cheese. It’s delicious. It probably tastes as good now as it did back when Ray Kroc first decided to declare war on our waistbands back in 1950 or whatever.

Now call me nostalgic but I kind of miss the old Chicken McNuggets. The ones that were cooked in trans fats, kind of gray inside, and, if I remember correctly, used to contain a small percentage of fish. I’m not joking about that fish part, I read that somewhere, I think.

Either way, McNuggets used to be more awesome even if they didn’t contain 100% all-white Pigeon meat that they use today.

Still more to follow…

1/21/07

I don’t know why I feel so compelled to keep going on this inane topic but here goes.

Don’t get me wrong, Chicken McNuggets are great and they are still full of surprises. Just the other day, I decided to get a little crazy and get the honey mustard sauce instead of my bread n’ butter Sweet n’ Sour. The experience was almost divine, it was so good. It was a great way to mix things up over this two week McMarathon of value.

FYI, while I was doing my homework for this post, I stumbled upon this sweet little factoid: Sweet N’ Sour sauce is actually a combination of Apricot flavoring, soy sauce, vinegar, and chili pepper. No shit, huh? That’s what I thought, too.

Anyways, an often overlooked criterion for judging the merits of these snacks is volume. It’s not enough to be physically full, I also want to be psychologically full. The DCB loses some points in this respect as it tends to resemble a dense brick of processed meat and cheese. Just looking at it, you wouldn’t think your stomach would be satisfied. Same thing goes with the McNuggets even though the calorie and fat count would tell you otherwise.

The Beef and Potato Burrito has many quality attributes, including value per ounce and volume, it’s just that the taste doesn’t compare to the above. The consistency of its inner-workings are rarely the same, so it’s kind of a crap-shoot whether or not you’re getting equal distribution of beef and potato. The last few bites always suck too because it is usually just bunched up tortilla and maybe some sour cream if you’re lucky. Weak.

And don’t even get me started with the shits factor. I think we’ve all felt the wrath of Taco Bell at least once in our lives so I’ll leave it at that. As interesting as I find this subject, I wish to avoid alienating my female readers.

In order to combat some the DCB’s shortcomings, I have devised the ultimate order scheme. The order needs a contender so we’re going to pit it against a classic: The Number 5 Value Meal with a Coke. To those who need a refresher, that would be a Quarter Pounder w/Cheese and a large French fry.

Retail price: $5.50: Total Calories: 1,390 Total Fat: 56 Grams. Total Weight: 12.98 Ounces*

* I did not include the weight of the cola beverage because liquids only temporarily trick your stomach that it is full and does not actually contribute to an official state of fullness.

Now look at my method, we’ll call it the Ben Wollin combo. It involves items exclusive to the dollar menu.

1. A DCB. No surprises there.

2. Double Hamburger. Why a Double Hamburger instead of a DCB? To be honest, I think you’re asking for trouble eating four slices of American cheese in one sitting. It’s almost dangerously cheesy. I recommend swapping the bottoms so you get one slice of cheese per double burger, resulting in a perfect distribution of meat, bun, and cheese.

3. Small fry. You don’t need a large fry, trust me.

4. A Side Salad. This is to tackle that whole volume issue. Simply stuff the lettuce in your sandwiches, giving your brain the impression that you are actually eating two large mouth-watering burgers.

5. Fruit and Yogurt Parfait. Instead of digesting those empty calories with the cola, you actually get some kind of nourishment.

Retail Price: $5.00 Total Calories: A meager 1,200. Fat: 55 grams (but who’s counting?) Weight: 21.59 ounces.

There you go. You get almost twice as much food, the taste and volume are all there, and you’re getting some greens and fruits and yogurts and stuff so you don’t have to feel guilty all day. In fact, you’d be stupid NOT to get the Ben Wollin combo.

I realize the best bet for your body is to avoid McDonald’s entirely but that is not what this post is about. It’s about getting the best bang for your buck. Right now, that means stocking up on McNuggets. To date, my McNugget count is at 43. That’s an odd number and I’ll tell you why. Two simple words: bonus McNugget. You can imagine how happy I was last Saturday when I found SEVEN McNuggets in my cute little McNugget bin.

That boot-shaped little guy made my weekend, let me tell you. It’s the little things, right?



Check out my new license plate. Not only does it proudly display my affinity for Chicken McNuggets, but is also a great way to not get pulled over on a weekend night.