To all the cynics out there, most notably my perpetual arch nemesis, Professor Dic, I’d like to give you all give a big…um… what’s that thing called that the Rock used to do…you know, when he put his arms out and then a made a big sweeping “V” motion which ended up with him focusing your attention to his crotchular area. I forget.
Anyways, you are all a bunch of Gibroni’s because I was not alone on Valentine’s Day. Better yet, I was not alone…with a GIRL.
Many of you may have remembered my Valentines Day blog post massacre last year. Although I still feel the day is a corporate sham, at least I can now post my thoughts on the subject without using expletives, a major feat for me. I must be getting mature or something. Scary.
Even though I had a date, I wasn’t going to let VD get the best of me, so I didn’t freak out and spend five hours in the mall trying to read the angle of every single possible gift idea out there in the hopes of sending the appropriate message to my little dirndl-clad fraulein.
But I did want to acknowledge that VD was festering about and that I didn’t forget so I narrowed the gift down to three options, each equally awesome and meaningful in my mind:
1. To do a really nice blog post about her
2. To NOT to do a blog post about her
3. My dick in a box
I quickly ruled out number 2 because ALL people long to be blogged about, even if they won’t admit it and say it would be super embarrassing. And I think I’m going to save number 3 for Christmas so that leaves number 1; the gift of blog.
Then I realized that if I don’t want to be alone for the next outbreak of VD, then I better just make her a nice homemade greeting card and take her out for a whole meal of food. I also planned to not annoy her very much too, which is the closest I get to being romantic. Also notice I said “homemade” and not “store-bought waste of heavy paper stock”.
It’s your move, Hallmark. Let’s see what you got.
Fellas, your lady may tell you time and time again that she wants diamonds or shoes for the holidays, but you know as well as I do what they really want...
7 comments:
Ahh yes, and what a beautiful homemade greeting it was. There I am, wearing nothing but a bathing suit, with extremely large breasts, no hips , & fat thighs atop the big strong muscles of Ben in a speedo as he proceeds to save me from the dead zombies, ninjas, & electric eels. Most ladies can only dream that their most recent case of VD be that extraordinary...Noe excuse me as I wait in suspense for the next big holiday that earns it's self a homemade greeting..
I don't mean to be a wrestling nerd, but it's spelled Jabroni. Also, I think you are referring to the crotch chop, which DX made famous, not The Rock. Congrats on the girl, though.
It's true, I am a really good drawer. And thanks Mike for that update in WWF mythology.
You spent Valentine's Day with a girl?! That's so gay.
Oh, and thanks Mike - I didn't want to have to be the one that said it...
This was not the venereal disease post I was expecting when I first read the title of your latest blog entry.
I do, however, find the idea of referring to Valentine's Day as "VD" quite hilarious (and somewhat ironic given my recent gonorrhea outbreak)...
I gave your mom a gonorrhea outbreak
Ben, I am slightly offended by you referring to that info as "mythology". Calling it mythology would be implying that it is false, a lie, folklore even.
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