Chicago: More Than Just Windiness, Toll Ways, and Steve Urkel

So I got kind of this running theme of visiting cities and making hilarious references to early 90’s sitcoms and Chicago will be no exception.

My reason for this excursion was to see the exhibition soccer match between the number one ranked futbol team in the world, Brazil, versus the not so much ranked team in the world, the United States. More on that in a bit.

My Chicago buddies are classic. We tend to regress to a state of high school-ness when we hang out which is awesome, especially since we didn’t meet each other until college. It just sets a great tone for the weekend and this one was definitely a top-fiver.

One keen observation I had and maybe this was just a fluke in Chicago but it’s never happened to me before anywhere else and that is this: I was a Barley Corns on Friday and the Hange-Uppe on Saturday and both nights I cut a rug with a girl that seemed to dance at a noticeably faster pace than everyone else at the bar. Don’t get me wrong, they were both incredibly good dancers and they kept a rhythm with the beat, it was just like a double-time rhythm that was rather off-putting.

Has this ever happened to anyone else? Give me a call, we’ll talk about it.

To make a long story short, I got scared of the girls and ran away on both occasions. It was my primordial flight instinct at work.

Barley Corns was fun but rather standard fare. This bar Hange-Uppe though was something else. My buddy told it was impossible to frequent this bar without getting violated and he was apparently right. If I was a Steve on Friday, I definitely became a Stefan on Saturday. Within about a half hour this one chick grabbed me and made me make out with her while her friends were in hysterics taking pictures. It wouldn’t have been so bad except this girl was a real lunker.

I was more pissed at myself because I made an oath after my 26th birthday that I wasn’t going to embarrass myself at bars any more and I already fell off the wagon after three weeks. In my defense, I’m not acclimated to these 4 am bars and the make out jam only lasted about 10 seconds but it was still definitely 10 seconds too long.

Not a lot of other stories to tell except I’m going to go on the record and claim bean bag toss game as my new favorite waste of time, which will effectively knock Guitar Hero off it’s long-seated throne. Also, I managed to get gum stuck on TOP of my sandal, which I am still trying to figure out, given I wasn’t personally chewing gum at all this weekend. Gross.

The soccer match was sweet. Soccer is very fast and very violent. People were getting checked and slapped and tripped and there were fast kicks all over the place. This was mostly coming from the Brazilians who are a bunch of thugs. The Americans played with class, but they also played like a bunch of suck asses so I guess playing dirty is what it takes to be number one.

The best is when there is a penalty kick and the dudes have to line up and get their nuts get kicked at by a soccer ball going a 100 miles per hour. It’s pure hilarity. Especially when you look around and every dude in the stadium is holding their junk while it happens. You gotta feel for those guys out there.

So that’s that. You know, I was never that big of a Family Matters fan, to tell you the truth. Although, I still wonder what happened to Aunt Rachel and her kid and also that middle sister who all just seemed to vanish to make room for more Urkel antics. The producers of the show must have thought Family Matters actually meant getting rid of family matters so Urkel could start a short-lived novelty dance. I think those assholes marketed a line of cereal, too.

Whatever happened to Urkel-O’s, anyway?



This is the reason I became a Marketing major.



“You’re firing me because you want to make time for Urkel to invent a machine that makes him a womanizer so he can seduce my cousin? Well, I guess that’s show business!”