A Big Bucket of Dog Poop

What? You were expecting a post about relationships or something?

I don't why I think this is newsworthy but I spent a good hour this afternoon hacking at frozen pieces of dog poop with a garden hoe and then scooping them up with my handy scooper. It really sucked but at least I'm getting a small blog post out it...and I won't have to pick them up come spring when they are warm and soft and stuck in the mud and I when you grab them they make this horrific squishing sound and...ugh...guh....excuse me for a moment, I just vomited in my mouth a little thinking about it.

Anyways, I have to go wash my hands and get on with my life. Happy Sunday everyone.

Rogaine Continued...

I think a recap of my last post regarding my fear of a receding hairline can best be visualized by recalling the climatic battle in The Patriot starring Mel Gibson.

If you don’t remember, the Americans had dug their feet in the ground and were doing a damn fine job fending off the Brits because they were pissed off that Lucious Malfoy burned down their church with all the people in it. But then the Red Coats started to bring the pain for some reason and America had to retreat but this did not sit well with Mel Gibson. So Mel Gibson yells to this one guy, “Give me that flag, you jagweed!” and he starts waving around the American flag causing a frenzy and eventually the Americans come charging back and Mel Gibson bayonets Malfoy and that’s basically how the Revolutionary War was won.

So what I’m trying to say is that America is my hair, the damn Brits are my forehead, and Mel Gibson is what I want Rogaine to be.

I hope that makes sense. If it doesn’t, go back and re-read that second paragraph, but this time, imagine that Billy Madison is explaining it to you in front of a Knibb High class assembly. That trick works for me all the time.

What is the investment going to cost? Well, I found a good deal on drugstore.com for $50.00 for a 3 month supply according to the directions. But I later found out that Rogaine is supposed to be used for the top of your scalp only and there is no guarantee that it will work on your hairline. I was kind of pissed but then I read some user comments and people were swearing that it worked on the hairline but these same people also swore that it smelled like shit but I think it smells just fine so I don’t know what to believe.

In any case, I started the regime and have used less than a half bottle over three weeks since I’m only using it on my hairline and not my scalp. The hair was supposed to fall out and then grow back stronger in the first few weeks but so far it has done jack squat. I’m fine with that though. No news is good news when it comes to hair loss.

I think I’m going to keep using Rogaine regardless of what happens. At the rate I’m using it, it will only cost $100 a year and that’s pretty cheap for a little peace of mind and higher self esteem. And if I start losing the receding hair battle, at least I can say I went down swinging.

In the mean time, I’m going to quit wearing hats, start brushing my hair an hour to day to strengthen the hair follicles, and according to one ancient Egyptian hair loss remedy I found on the internet, find a virgin to rub pigeon poop on my scalp. Does anyone know a virgin with an excess supply of pigeon poop?


Actually, I stole this shirt from Frank!

Let's Talk About Rogaine

So the obvious topic for tonight’s post is last night’s Vikings loss to the Saints and the possible last game of the great Brett Favre but I’m just not at a place, either emotionally or spiritually, to talk about it right now so I will maybe save that for a later time.

For a change, I will you let you decide tonight’s blog from the following categories: Flaming bags of dog poo and the human response or male pattern baldness.

Well I could write a book about the former so let’s just get into the latter.

I started a Rogaine regime about three weeks ago.

Now why I on earth would I admit to something like that to the online community, you ask? Well besides the fact that my online community only consists of like five people, I actually find it better to readily admit to these types of things as opposed to bottling it up the letting the shame fester inside of me.

I used the same rationale when I was on match.com a few years ago. A lot of people feel guilty and are embarrassed to be dating people on the interwebs but while I was a subscriber, I told everybody and their grandmother about how great it was instead of getting caught on it and having to go on the defensive about it later.

Anyways, back to the Rogaine. Truth be told, I think I have a pretty great head of hair. With the exception of this crazy cowlick that my barber always bitches about, my hair has treated me very well over the years. See example below.


Favorite pic of all time, no joke. It always makes me smile and long for a can of burger light.

But my real fear stems from this nugget of truth I gleaned from Mr. Kitsemble’s biology class freshmen year of high school. We were learning about genetics and he said that hair loss is completely hereditary. If your dad is bald, and your mother’s dad is bald, then you are sure as fuck going to be bald. Then he went off on some shit about rabbits but that’s beside the point.

I don’t know why but I believe him. And heredity is not on my side.

I tried to convince myself otherwise. I thought to myself that maybe the bald gene will skip me just like the gene that gives you blue eyes or the gene that makes you good at sports but I just can’t take the risk.

Now my game plan has always been to age gracefully but I am NOT going to be attractive bald man. Don’t get me wrong, some people can pull off the bald look. Michael Jordan, Bruce Willis, um…Professor X, maybe? Mike Servais would look weird with hair.

Well that’s about it, I think. Receding hairlines suck so I’m making a pre-emptive strike on the war on hair loss.

More on the subject later. Right now I have change into sweat pants and eat an entire gallon of ice cream with a big wooden spoon to cope with my loss from yesterday.


I retract my previous statement...this is my favorite picture of all time. Not exaggerating when I say I laugh my ass off whenever I see this classic from Chemistry class.

New Running Gag for 2010

So I was pondering some ideas for some running gags to kick off the new decade. Some of my proposed gags in the past never really came to fruition and that is unacceptable.

I remember distinctively at one point that I was going to mock Peyton Manning on a regular basis because everyone loves him and thinks he's the greatest quarterback ever but I wanted to call out the fact that he's kind of a whiner and he had one greatest offensive lines in history and he chokes a lot during the post season but most of all because he sucks compared to Brett Favre. But I only made fun of him a few times and then left him alone, which defeats the whole purpose of a running gag.

Therefore I am going to start injecting into my blogs regular references to the screenplay that I never finished in California. The movie is called Jumping the Shark and if don’t recall, it’s about a uptight college kid who bands together with his womanizing best friend and a team of misfits to film a low budget movie and win back the love of his ex-girlfriend. Spoiler alert: The bad guys are hippies. Whoa.

Here is a page from said screenplay, illustrating the quick witted banter you can expect from a Ben Wollin film:



Hilarious, right? Many of you may have noticed that the protagonist is named Ken, not unlike my own name. Could this project be a little less commercial and a little more personal than we first expected? Who knows, right? Let the speculation begin!

Basically, I want Jumping the Shark to be my Chinese Democracy. Before Chinese Democracy got released, I should add. I will argue the stupidest thing Guns N Roses ever did (and they did a LOT of stupid things) was to release that album because it ruined one of the greatest on going pop culture references of all time. There was no way that album could ever live up to its hype, therefore it should have never been released. Chinese Democracy had unlimited joke potential that only got funnier with age and GNR ruined it. Poop on that.

I want Jumping the Shark to fill that void. Let the running gag begin!

Ideas for Facebook Relationship Updates Part II

Okay, finally got my shit together for the last part of this post.

8. It’s So On - Yeah! You actually found someone that can actually tolerate your exclusive company. Woo hoo!

9. L – Bombs – You are in a relationship where you are hurling I Love You's left and right. One might make a case to have a separate category for dropping L- Bombs in public.

10. Farts and Burps – The relationship has been elevated to dropping ass and belching in each other’s company and neither party being embarrassed about it.

11. Buying a Pet Together – In other words, you are damn close to being engaged. Damn close. Just one more test which brings me to…

12. Dutch Ovening – Not only are you farting and burping in front of each other but you are now farting and burping in bed and trapping your significant other under the sheets until they agree to marry you. Ask the Dude’s dad about this method. It works.

13. Engaged But Today’s My Bachelor Party– This should be a temporary one day status update as a last ditch effort to let your hot, opposite sex friends know they could have one last crack at your junk.

14. Married – I think here would be a good place to insert Mike Myer’s immortal line from Wayne’s World: “Garth, marriage is a form of punishment in some countries.” Funny stuff.

15. Married Tiger Woods Style – You are married but still down to fuck around or as I like to say DTF.

16. Married with Children – Not only a solid category but also a sitcom I’d like to see back on Fox.

17. Widowed – NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

18. Widowed – YESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!

Well I think that pretty describes any possible relationship status you could be in. I dare you to come up with more. You can’t because I just named them all.

Let’s get it done, Zuckerman, I know you have the resources to pull it off. Don’t make me get that Tom asshole from Myspace to beat you down.

Ideas for Facebook Relationship Status Updates

Some of you may have noticed a recent update to my Facebook profile. Under my profile, you will notice that I went from being single to being in a relationship. Hard to believe but that is NOT an error.

I have a gf now and I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious, I guess. We went from boyfriend/girlfriend to boyfriend/girlfriend on Facebook in less than two days. Holy shit, right? I’ve never been this exclusive with someone since the inception of Facebook which briefly made me super depressed.

I propose Facebook should come up with some broader categories in the relationship section in order for people like myself to at least be able to take some baby steps towards a normal healthy adult relationship.

1. Hopelessly Single – You’ve essentially given up on the dating scene and are wearing sweatpants to the bars. That bar is probably Cropseys. It might be because of job loss or because you live with the ‘rents or some combination of the two. In any case, this state of singleness describes my last summer.

2. Work in Progress – I would describe this stage as anyone single in college or in they’re early 20’s. Basically it means you are single and are looking to hook up or maybe have a summer fling, but let’s face it, you have no money, no time, and your mindset is improving your flip cup game rather than going to dinner and a movie on a Friday night.

3. Actively Single – You are up for an exclusive relationship and are basically out and about, putting out vibe every weekend. Includes anyone subscribing to match.com.

4. Inbetweener – This stage is when you are dating someone that you know is not going to pan out in the long term so you just kind of half ass it. Examples include dating an intern or a college kid. Could be lust based. I’m an expert in this category as it generally sums up love life from 2006-2008.

5. Back and Forth – This one is kind of tricky. It means you are single but you are really focused on someone and you swear they like you too because you’ve been texting back and forth but he or she was out of town one weekend and you got too drunk the last weekend but it’s just a matter of time before you both get together under ideal circumstances and finally hook up. Where it goes from there, no one knows, but you have to get it out of your system.

6. Friends with Benefits – You harbor no illusions of getting into a serious relationship and are simply hooking up after bar time. For many men, this category is also called the Holy Grail.

7. Kinda Sorta – You’ve been dating someone and you think it might be exclusive and it’s probably implied that it is exclusive but you haven’t had the “define the relationship” talk yet.

On a side note, Facebook does give you an It’s Complicated but personally, I find it way too broad. It covers my last four categories and they are all very unique. It’s too much of a cop out and it needs to go.

Okay, I’m having a lot of fun with this post but I got some shit I gotta do today like lift weights so I’ll continue these relationship status categories in my next post.