I Don't Understand Porn for Women

So I recently read this article on MSN that said that pornography use among women has spiked in recent years and that support groups are forming all over the country to help women deal with porn addiction.

This made me really curious. What constitutes porn for women? It can’t be the same stuff guys like because the stuff guys like is misogynistic, devoid of emotion, and completely out of touch with reality. So I did some homework, adjusted my Netflix queue, and finally viewed some hardcore XXX women’s pornography last night.

I didn’t care for it. New Moon was rife with terrible acting, even more terrible special FX, it was super boring, it didn’t even make sense, and there wasn’t nearly enough sequences of vampires playing baseball. All and all, I give it six thumbs down.

Maybe I have to give the benefit of the doubt that the Twilight books are vastly superior to the films because it’s pretty much impossible to mess up the source material. Who doesn’t love vampires? They are attractive, possess superhuman abilities, they party all night, and they live forever. I get it. That’s cool.

I just can’t understand the appeal these particular movies have on teenage girls, their moms, and not teenage girls. Approximately 50% of the running time was devoted to people soulfully staring into each other’s eyes, another 40% was devoted to dudes not wearing shirts, and the rest was tensionless scenes of CGI cartoons fighting each other.

And why does everyone like Bella so much!? Sure, I wouldn’t kick Kristen Stewart out of bed, but it’s perplexing why everyone fusses about her so much. Her character’s total lack of charm and charisma is like a black hole in the center of the screen, she just sucks the fun right out of the room.

To me, all this sounds like a recipe for disaster but the numbers at the box office prove otherwise. I guess women’s porn is here to stay. When I complete my script for Jumping the Shark, I will be sure to incorporate a scene where a character stares out the window and emotes for ten minutes, in order to appeal to the ladies.

Oh snap, I just had a better idea. I’ll cast that tool Justin Bieber as a shirtless, singing vampire, and have him in there for some reason for ten minutes. Damn I should have been a producer! That, my friends, is what you call box office gold.



"Hey, want to go tanning?" Nope. "Want to smile at any point during this movie" Nope. "Want to keep staring at each other" Yep.