Random Thoughts on a Random Day 7.27.10

I don’t have anything super great to comment on this week so I think I’ll just leave you all with a couple of thought provoking nuggets of Brain Litter that don’t warrant a dedicated post.

1. I’ve got the perfect idea for a sequel to Inception. Check this. It’s about a dream within a dream within a dream within a dream. Within in a dream….wait for it…Within a dream. Whoa.

2. I know it’s hip right now to hate the show Entourage but the focus of last week’s plot was a Ping Pong match between Drama and Uncle Jesse from Full House. If that’s not good TV, I don’t know what is.

3. Speaking of Ping Pong, here is a pictorial update from the front lines of Man Pong.



4. I’m thinking of naming my kick ball team “The Situation” but it’s tearing me up inside. The unpleasantness is caused from the hypocrisy of balancing my need to be on the bleeding edge of pop culture with my distain for reality tv programming. I wish The Hangover was still relevant so I could name my team The Wolfpacks but that is SO 2009.

5. What’s the deal with Fireworks shops? Why is there so many of them and how do they make money? The roadside stands near a gas station, those I kinda get, because you could set up shop for a few weeks around the 4th of July and be done with it but these big, elaborate, permanent ones really throw me for a loop.

I’m starting to think that maybe Fireworks shops are the bodegas of the Midwest for crystal meth. Follow my logic, I am acquainted with a fair share of recreational drug users and even they don’t mess around with crystal meth. Yet I know it’s really popular because they bust crystal meth labs all the time. So where do they sell it?

Fireworks stands. They are the perfect distribution points because they are always located near highway exits in the country where they make it. And maybe all the chemicals in fireworks throw drug dogs off the scent. I think I’m really on to something here. That is good po-leece.

Or maybe I just need to fix the radio in my car so I stop thinking about this shit. My mind has been wandering more than usual on my silent commutes lately.

6. I got a new phone number. I got tired of having to explain myself and my former 608 life every time I give out my number. 920-530-6388. I feel like a small part of me has died but I am sure that will change when football season starts up again.

Earwigs. Stupid Name. Stupid Bug.

I’d like to take a moment to rant about earwigs. I hate them.

The other day, I went to put a Netflix in the mailbox and three earwigs jumped out and attacked my hand. It sent shivers down my spine in the same way that picking up dog poop in the backyard after several days of heavy rain has matted it down to the grass. It’s an unpleasant experience to say the least.

At work yesterday, I went into a five minute trance just thinking about how much I despise those little creatures. I then googled earwigs to find more ammunition to hate them. It turns out that they have the gift of flight. Well that’s…just…GREAT.

Seriously, was God bored on the eighth day and decide He wanted to get creative and make the grossest bug possible? Elongated body? Check. Hard shell to make them difficult to squish? Check. A bunch of stupid legs and antennae? Check. Wings? Sure, why not? Let’s get throw some big ass pinchers on that cocksucker too while we’re at it and call it a day.

It’s ironic because I just finished a book that made me think about bugs in a whole new perspective. SPOILER ALERT (Don’t read on Joe and/or Dude) the book is Stephen King’s latest called Under the Dome, a destined to-be classic. Essentially the story is about a small town that suddenly gets enveloped by an impenetrable glass dome. The town’s corrupt official creates a police state and everything goes to hell within a week.

It’s later revealed that the dome was created by alien kids from another dimension that were just messing around, the analogy made in the book is that it was equivalent to a bunch of kids on a playground lighting an anthill on fire with a magnifying glass, but this time the town was the anthill. It’s entirely plausible if you think about. In any case, there were only about 20 pages of about 1,080 dedicated to the sci-fi aspect; it’s more about how the town copes being cut off from society. Awesome book, great summer read.

After reading it, I thought wow, I’ll never look an anthill the same way again. I’m just going to live and let live from here on out.

But I don’t think Stephen King had earwigs in mind when he wrote Under the Dome. I think he would agree that regardless of whether or not earwigs are capable of rational thought with complex societal structures, they are just too disgusting to not get squished with a ping pong paddle when I saw one scurry across the basement floor the other day.

The Big L

Commuting from Green Bay to Appleton really sucks, not because of the distance (which, does suck) but because of the ineptitude of most drivers that use that particular corridor.

I love my Wisconsin peoples but one thing we cannot seem to grasp is the idea of using the left lane for passing only. I've traveled many places in my day and nowhere is it more prevalent to see some turd burglar crawling along at 60 mph in the left lane while some other driver is going the same speed in the right lane allowing zero cars to pass until some dutiful soul (often times myself) does the courtesy of tailgating said left lane offender until they get to the right lane where they belong or worse, pass them in the right lane.

Notice a few select words I used in the last paragraph. First, I did not insult the slow driver in the right lane because I think it is perfectly fine to drive below the speed limit, that is your God-given, American right and I would not want to infringe upon that; just stay in the right lane where you belong.

Second, getting passed in the right lane is one of the worst things that can happen to you during highway travel and should be avoided at all cost. We seriously need to make this a major social stigma; like updating your facebook status with political rhetoric or recapping a meal you just ate.

Naturally, if you are forced to pass someone in the right lane, you are obligated to give them the stink eye but sometimes that just isn't enough because if that person is dumb enough to diddle away in the left lane, then they are dumb enough to not read your subtle glares.

That's why I think we need to come up with a new hand gesture to express our displeasure with passing someone in the right lane. I think the offensiveness level should be somewhere between the middle finger and the thumbs down.

The middle finger is just too harsh, we're probably dealing with an old person i.e. someone's grandma, and I don't like the idea of my grandma or someone else’s grandma getting multiple middle fingers on the way to church. Plus I think it has to be something completely new with only one, specific connotation.

I kind of like the idea of pointing your thumb and pointer straight out with your right hand in an "L" shape in conjunction with the stink eye. The left lane offender will see a big "L" pointed at him or her and immediately think the "L" stands for "Left", as in "oh shit, I am in the LEFT lane when I my slow ass should be in the RIGHT lane. Thank you, kind sir, for that reminder, I have learned my lesson and will not repeat it."

That’s what I would think if someone shot me the Big L if I were caught napping in the left lane, not that that would ever happen but I can conceive of a scenario of me driving down Highway 41 with the cruise control on in a trance-like state, Eric Prydz' Call on Me on repeat, where maybe, just maybe, some speedster doing 85 mph would pass me on the right. After the Big L was shot at me, I would nod and salute the driver, acknowledging my mistake, and then I would promptly move over to the right lane, never to repeat the mistake again.

Imagine all the collective minutes over time we could all add on to our lives if we just followed this simple rule! Plus the reduced stress! Let’s make it happen.

On a side note, if you ever seen a jeep wrangler on the highway with the top and doors off, it is very likely that sucker couldn't go 65 mph hour even if it wanted to unless it was travelling with the wind so ease up and be kind to our safety and aerodynamic hating friends, it’s not their fault they can't keep up with the flow of traffic....as long as they stay in the right lane of course.