Animal Crackers

I love the week before Christmas. The last of my shopping is complete. Snow is still fun. Trading Places is on TBS. Life is good.

Life was so good yesterday that I decided to take a break from work and grab a bag of my favorite cookies to get into the yuletide spirit. Actually, I don’t know what category frosted circus animal crackers falls under but I found them in the cookie aisle so I am calling them cookies.

So I when I got home and cracked open the bag, you can imagine my surprise when I found this gem of a frosted circus animal cracker.



Here’s another nice piece of shit. Seriously, what the hell is this creature?



Ditto for this little guy. Is that a dorsal fin? Since when were sharks allowed in the circus?


If you thought these few monstrosities were a fluke, think again.



The whole bag was filled with pink and white frosted blobs of God knows what. With sprinkles. If I were I kid, I would be disappointed. Hell, I’m an adult and I’m disappointed. This is just plain lazy. You can do better than this, Nabisco.

Roundabouts: When People Stop Acting Polite…and Start Getting Real

Roundabouts. Believe it or not, I see the utility in these God forsaken things and I am actually learning to like them. At first I thought it was just because I thought it was hilarious to yell, “Look, kids! Big Ben!” every time I entered one but even after the novelty of that wore off, I still find myself liking them.

I know I know, the audacity! What is liberal-leaning Ben going to support next…High Speed Rail from Madison to Milwaukee!?

Not likely. Don’t get me started on passenger rail in Wisconsin, that’s not why we’re here today.

Roundabouts are the new wild west of the roadways. In the past 6 months, I’ve seen three roundabouts get constructed between my work and home so I’ve gotten quite astute at observing the nuances of these things. There are three basic approaches to a roundabout.

1.) No Holds Barred

These people typically drive an SUV or truck and chuckle at the idea of yielding before entering a roundabout. Yielding is for pussies, they think. So is signaling. Think of a bully or any asshole you knew in High School and I guarantee they take the No Holds Barred approach to roundabouting.

2.) Normal-Style

Slower than No Holds Barred, occasionally yielding, but still no signaling.

3.) Yearning of the 4-Way

There are plenty of people that yearn for the golden days of the 4-Way stop sign and these people gots to go. You mostly see them in front of you during rush hour. They are the ones that make a complete stop because they see another car coming from 3 miles away. Then we have to sit there for five minutes because there is inevitably a procession of cars going No Holds Barred style next.

When you eventually get through said roundabout, it is almost automatic that you will get stuck behind this same person going 50 mph down Highway 41 in the left lane and preventing you from passing, further exasperating your patience. At least they signal though.

My point here is that you have to be AGGRESSIVE out there, people. Be a man, take what is yours! The whole idea of roundabouts is to prevent the waste of energy from stopping and starting your vehicle, so look ahead and punch that gas, let the other guy slow down, do whatever it takes to prevent outright stopping and for the love of God, signal when you exit the roundabout so others have a chance to punch in there. Together we can make roundabouts work.

Well maybe not the roundabout in East De Pere by the bridge, that one is a real boondoggle. The new one on Ashland and the exit of Highway 41 though…that one is inspired.

The Gift of Not Gift

Many of you are probably starting to scramble for holiday gifts, which consequently involves parking debacles, long lines, and poor service when you go shopping. Navigating the mall this time of year is not fun to say the least.

But it doesn’t have to be so difficult. This year, consider the idea of getting someone a Not Gift. For example, one of the best Christmas presents I ever gave my parents was when I grew my hair out for a year in 2003 and then got a hair cut for them for Christmas. I gave them the Not Gift of not having a son that looked like a hippie.

Now I realize it’s too late to grow your hair out but maybe consider growing a shitty beard for the holidays and then having it shaved Christmas morning for your loved ones. Unless of course, you grow an awesome beard which is a gift to the entire world. I can only grow patchy Amish neck beards, so my Not Gift could potentially have a lot of clout.

I’d like to take moment here to declare a Not Gift for Jess. We are celebrating our one year anniversary this Saturday and I want to commemorate the occasion by retiring my brown leather jacket from my wardrobe. Apparently Jess never watched Charles In Charge growing up because she doesn’t seem to realize that brown leather jackets are cool. Nobody’s perfect. At any rate, I know she will appreciate the Not Gift of not being seen around town with a brown leather jacket wearing boyfriend.


But before I do [Tear] I’d like to say one last goodbye to my old friend before decommissioning this well-traveled, well loved article of clothing.


Here is a great picture of my college buddy, Pete, having a grand old time with the brown leather jacket. Look how proud he is to be seen with me! I think this was in 2004.


Me and the BLJ on Full House Mountain in San Francisco back in 2007.


Me and BLJ have spanned continents together. Here I am bringing my coolness to Australia, hanging out with the armor of Ned Kelly in 2009. Notice his armor on the left is leather clad and almost the same color as mine. He was ahead of his time.

Ahhhhhhh good times. You will be missed BLJ, you will be missed.

Jess, I know you are reading this so now I am going to make it official: I will never wear my brown leather jacket again. Period.*












*Except for my birthday, whenever you are out of town, and weekends. Love ya, babes!