The Most Annoying Christmas Tradition

Some traditions need to go away. I’m talking about you, red hots on my Christmas cookie.

Does anybody like these stupid things? What do you like about them, the crappy taste or the feeling like your teeth are cracking when you bite into one? I bet you liked getting those crappy taffy things wrapped in the black or orange wax paper on halloween, too.

The most common sight you will see at a Christmas party is a platter full of crumbs and one or two Christmas cookies left over with about a dozen red hots on them each because a small child made them and didn’t know any better. It’s not the child’s fault, we as adults need to take responsibility and stop buying red hots to put on Christmas cookies.

I mean, I get it, sometimes you need something red to make a Rudolph nose or buttons on a gingerbread man or holly berries on a wreath. But can’t we use red M&M’s for that? Or some other red candy that isn’t spicy cinnamon based? Nothing? All of these options are better than red hots.

Now I know what your next question is. Ben, what is your stance on tiny metal ball things on Christmas cookies? Excellent question.

My stance on tiny metal ball things on Christmas cookies is that I’m okay with them. Yeah they’re still hard on the teeth but at least they are basically tasteless. Plus there is no substitute for tiny metal balls except for bb gun ammo. I don’t recommend eating bb’s although they are preferable to red hots.

I know traditions are important to honor the olden days and our ancestors' ways of doing things but enough is enough. Hell, in the olden days we used to let the British govern us from across the Atlantic but we bucked that tradition and it seems to be working out pretty well for everyone. I say we do the same for stupid red hots.

And while we’re at it, let’s stop doing the chicken dance at weddings, too. Thanks, World.


I dare you to find the cookie in this photo that won't be eaten. It's not difficult.