(in my best jerry seinfeld voice) “What’s the deal with getting pee shy?”
Pee shy. Gun shy. Stage Fright. Call it what you will, I’d like explain this phenomenon out and maybe somehow a solution will present itself.
Peeing was never a big deal to me. It was kind of relaxing. I used to be able to enjoy a good piss and maybe some pleasant conversation with my urinalmate next to me. “So how about them Packers last Sunday, huh?”
Incidentally, if I wanted to watch a film about the Fantastic Four, I would watch highlights from Super Bowl XXXI.
Anyways, back to my situation, one day I was in Van Vleck hall for some reason and the whole building was completely cleared out. Way too quiet for me but I thought I would have the bathroom to myself at least. So I’m doing my thing when all of a sudden this dude comes in and walks up to the urinal right next to me. There was like 7 other urinals to use and he picks the one next to mine! Who the hell does that? I started really thinking about the situation, I mean I was just confused. That’s where the trouble begins; when you apply complex thinking to a process that occurs naturally and automatically in the human body. Yup, don’t do it.
So now whenever I go to the bathroom, I get this spidey-sense for what is going on around me. I’m trying to think about waterfalls and running through a forest and all that nature shit, but all I can think about is what other people are thinking. “Is this guy behind me waiting for me? He’s probably wondering why Im just standing here. Goddammit I can’t perform under this kind of pressure! Im outta here.”
I know I’m not the only one with this problem otherwise we wouldn’t have names for this condition in our lexicon. I suspect there are even people that have obtained absolute mastery over the problem. These are the guys you see at Monday’s at bar time peeing in the sink or in the garbage can because they don’t want to wait in line. What’s your secret?
So ladies, I hope you learned how primitive we really are and fellas, if you got any solutions, I’d like to hear them. I think the problem stems from over analyzing the situation which I tend to do a lot even away from the john so any advice to shut down my brain for a few moments would be great.
I swear to God, the older I get the more sophisticated my bathroom humor becomes…
1 comment:
I too have experienced these troublesome times.
What you need to do is what Luke Skywalker did in the wampa's cave while trying to procure his lightsaber; close your eyes, clear your mind, and feel the Force.
Works every time.
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