I do realize I go out of my way to make myself damn near unmarketable to the opposite sex. I don’t why I make dating so difficult for myself but I do. I think its because instead of waiting for that one special someone out there for me, I’ve decided to start with every girl in the world and weed them out one by one until I find that last remaining magical special person just for me. Romantic, I am.
Test Number 1:
When I find woman that I would consider a keeper, I am going to drop the following bomb. I am going to offer her a thousand dollars cash for the privilege of never having to buy a greeting card for her ever again. No Birthdays, Anniversaries, not even the sham of all holidays, Valentines Day. Before you say Ben, you cheap worthless bastard; hear me out.
If I love this woman, I am going to go beyond the call of duty to make sure she knows it. I will be more than happy to give her nice thoughtful gifts on those holidays. I am even more than willing to express my thoughts and feelings or whatever she wants to hear on some nice stationary. Fine. Great. I expect this.
I just don’t need some jerkass from Hallmark to tell me I need to shill out five bones to say I love you. That’s their whole gimic. There wouldn’t be a greeting card industry if they didn’t stamp the price on the back of those cards. “Oh honey, thanks for the card but I guess you only love me $3 dollars worth and not $4 or $5 dollars worth. No ass for you tonight.” Bite me, corporate stooge at American Greetings. I’m on to your scam and I intend to bring down your conspiracy like the house of cards that it is.
The truth is, all you really care about the personal message inside anyway. And I don’t have to scramble around at the 11th hour buying a card and waiting in line with all the other suckers. AND you get a thousand bucks. Buy yourself some nice ear rings or shoes or whatever. Who loves you, baby?
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Saturday, August 20, 2005
Who wants to Snog!?
Yeah I like Harry Potter books. They’re great. The first couple books were kind of childish but the latter ones are actually pretty dark and deal with some pretty mature themes. I think any adult fan of the series would agree with me but I would like to go one over and scrutinize some trivial details that I promise will have absolutely no bearing on your opinions one way or another. Reader beware: you are about to get a little bit stupider.
I am going to make a weak case that Harry and Ginny are doing the deed. I basically just wanted to believe this and then proceeded to find evidence to prove it. I found none. But just think about it for a sec.
There are more hook ups going on at Hogwarts than ever before. It’s straight out of the OC, seriously. Just remember when you were 17 and in high school. You were horny, curious, and desperate to lose your virginity. I know they’re wizards but they still have raging hormones like the rest of us.
Now imagine that you found a pretty little witch or sorcerer to so some serious snogging. I think snogging is more than just making out, otherwise they would just be making out. Snogging to me is a combination of sloppy kissing and dry humping, with a dash of heavy petting for good measure. You can only do so much snogging before it leads to other things. For lack of a better word, “blue balls” is the term the kids are using these days to describe that condition. Plus they’re all cooped up in the castle so what’s more fun than snogging when you are bored?
Now look at Harry and Ginny’s situation. They are both very mature for their age. They’ve been through a lot of shit. Ginny is a saucy little red head that seems to know how to get any guy to do what she wants. She’s ready for the next step. Harry on the other hand, has to be thinking that he could eat it at any time. Nobody wants to die a virgin, I don’t care who you are. Rowling can’t write it for the children’s sake but you’d be a fool to think that killing Voldemort would be a priority before knockin’ boots with some comely lasses.
I guess the only documentation I can muster is when Harry reflects on that one amazing afternoon they had by the lake. I know it’s a stretch but you can use your imagination. I won’t even get into the fact they could probably do some pretty sweet maneuvers with their magic and abilities to levitate.
Admit it, you think about this stuff too. Tell me I'm not the only one out there!
I am going to make a weak case that Harry and Ginny are doing the deed. I basically just wanted to believe this and then proceeded to find evidence to prove it. I found none. But just think about it for a sec.
There are more hook ups going on at Hogwarts than ever before. It’s straight out of the OC, seriously. Just remember when you were 17 and in high school. You were horny, curious, and desperate to lose your virginity. I know they’re wizards but they still have raging hormones like the rest of us.
Now imagine that you found a pretty little witch or sorcerer to so some serious snogging. I think snogging is more than just making out, otherwise they would just be making out. Snogging to me is a combination of sloppy kissing and dry humping, with a dash of heavy petting for good measure. You can only do so much snogging before it leads to other things. For lack of a better word, “blue balls” is the term the kids are using these days to describe that condition. Plus they’re all cooped up in the castle so what’s more fun than snogging when you are bored?
Now look at Harry and Ginny’s situation. They are both very mature for their age. They’ve been through a lot of shit. Ginny is a saucy little red head that seems to know how to get any guy to do what she wants. She’s ready for the next step. Harry on the other hand, has to be thinking that he could eat it at any time. Nobody wants to die a virgin, I don’t care who you are. Rowling can’t write it for the children’s sake but you’d be a fool to think that killing Voldemort would be a priority before knockin’ boots with some comely lasses.
I guess the only documentation I can muster is when Harry reflects on that one amazing afternoon they had by the lake. I know it’s a stretch but you can use your imagination. I won’t even get into the fact they could probably do some pretty sweet maneuvers with their magic and abilities to levitate.
Admit it, you think about this stuff too. Tell me I'm not the only one out there!
Saturday, August 13, 2005
Just when I thought I kicked my Minesweeper habit...
My crippling addiction to Minesweeper was a long and enduring one. I don’t blame Minesweeper necessarily, just simple mind games in general that manage to burgle my precious time. They never seem to go away, just morph into different forms. First it was just Solitaire proper, then you graduate to Minesweeper, and then the deviants at Solitaire Inc. win you back with Spider Soliaire. The bastards. Who are these people, anyway? Why do they hate free time so much? It’s like someone woke one morning and said, “I think progress has been happening too fast lately, if only there was some way to make people less productive. Who needs a cure for cancer or a longer lasting light bulb when we can point and click at stuff for hours on end.” They should all be kicked in the testicles.
After taking off all those pointless games off my computer, my brain started seeking new ways to distract itself. It found the solution on my last visit to B&N where there was a big display of Su Doku puzzle books. I knew I should be studying but instinctively I reached for the book and low and behold, many hours of my life have disappeared like that period between midnight or so and bar time on a Saturday night.
If you have never done a Su Doku puzzle, don’t. If you have, you probably know what I am talking about. Since when has the process of elimination ever been so fun? The Japanese really have that shit figured out. Thanks Japan. I could have been a doctor, you know.
Someday, I’m sure I’ll find a girlfriend or something that will occupy my time in more acceptable ways but until then, I’m going to exercise the utmost care to avoid addicting logic games that … wait a sec, I never saw this Hearts game before. I’ll just try it once…
After taking off all those pointless games off my computer, my brain started seeking new ways to distract itself. It found the solution on my last visit to B&N where there was a big display of Su Doku puzzle books. I knew I should be studying but instinctively I reached for the book and low and behold, many hours of my life have disappeared like that period between midnight or so and bar time on a Saturday night.
If you have never done a Su Doku puzzle, don’t. If you have, you probably know what I am talking about. Since when has the process of elimination ever been so fun? The Japanese really have that shit figured out. Thanks Japan. I could have been a doctor, you know.
Someday, I’m sure I’ll find a girlfriend or something that will occupy my time in more acceptable ways but until then, I’m going to exercise the utmost care to avoid addicting logic games that … wait a sec, I never saw this Hearts game before. I’ll just try it once…
Monday, August 08, 2005
Crispin Glover: Greatest Actor Ever!
You know who doesn’t get enough respect ever. Crispin Glover, the genius who played George McFly in the Back to the Future movies. It is arguably one of the greatest performances in the history of cinema. I’ll give you one solid reason why:
If you had the choice of getting punched in the face by anyone or George McFly, the correct answer would be anyone else. Why? Because not only are you going to get knocked out, but your entire life will be ruined. You will deduced to waxing cars or some other comparable monkey job and you would end up kissing people's asses for the rest of your life. Not bad for someone who loves peeping into windows and chocolate milk.
That’s why I personally implore the Academy to honor this man with a lifetime achievement award or possibly even inventing an award in his name. It his high time this mighty thespian be recognized for this monumental role.
If you had the choice of getting punched in the face by anyone or George McFly, the correct answer would be anyone else. Why? Because not only are you going to get knocked out, but your entire life will be ruined. You will deduced to waxing cars or some other comparable monkey job and you would end up kissing people's asses for the rest of your life. Not bad for someone who loves peeping into windows and chocolate milk.
That’s why I personally implore the Academy to honor this man with a lifetime achievement award or possibly even inventing an award in his name. It his high time this mighty thespian be recognized for this monumental role.
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