Greatest Villain Ever: Darth Vader Vs. The Dean of Discipline

Okay, clearly there is no competition between everyone’s favorite high school administrator and the Lord of the Sith (even with that no-talent vagina Hayden Christianson under the helm), in fact, putting the two in the same arena is kind of an insult to one of the greatest villains in cinematic history. I just didn’t want anyone questioning my sexuality with a title like “Top 5 Reasons why I just loooove the O.C. and why it’s the greatest show ever!”

That last statement is obviously an exaggeration as well but I would be lying if I didn’t think this prime time soap opera was a mighty fine distraction from reality. The lesbian subplot last season was mildly entertaining but I am glad to see the show is going back to its roots, mainly Ryan brooding and fighting a lot. And who can blame the guy, with that evil Dean of Discipline strutting around the school like he owns the place. He’s EXACTLY the type of asshole you see wearing a pink shirt and thinking he’s the shit. I hope Ryan knocks that shit-eating grin right off his stupid monkey face.

But without further ado, I present:

The O.C. Survival Guide

1.) If you have a secret or are doing something you aren’t supposed to be doing, it is 100% guaranteed someone will inadvertently catch you in the act. You could be in a sealed bank vault and you can bet your ass that Marissa or Summer will accidentally wander in there because it’s Take a Tour of a Sealed Bank Vault day at Harbor High or some other cockamamie reason like that. The writers of the show certainly have their situational irony nailed down, but I’d like to see a plot advance through other means; natural disasters are always a crowd pleaser. I bet the drama of a surprise volcano eruption in Newport Beach would bring out Ryan’s true feelings for Marissa.

2.) You have to listen to Emo. There’s no getting around this one here, people. If you don’t listen to wiener rock 24/7, you’re destined to be an outcast. I just wish there was some way the producers could shamelessly promote a new crappy band every week so we could know what to listen to…

3.) Infinity pools are sweet. Get one as soon as possible.

4.) Unless you’re incredibly attractive or a lovable comic book geek, you have zero chance for survival in Orange County. Fortunately, I happen to rock both worlds so this won’t be a problem for me.

5.) You know what? Screw the O.C. What the hell do they have that good ole’ Wisconsin doesn’t have to offer? I don’t know about you but I like my winters cold, my women slightly rotund, and my binge drinking socially acceptable.

AND we have Brett Farve. Checkmate, California.


A Typical Day on the Set of the O.C.

“Okay, Ryan, for this next scene we need you to be real upset and troubled. You’re dark and mysterious.”













“Great! Now give me real angry. You’re pissed off at the world and you want everyone to know it.”













“Excellent! In this next shot, you are in love with Marissa and everything is going great. I need happy and joyous.”












“Perfect! I really felt the emotion there, Ryan. That’s a wrap, people, let’s call it a day.”