The perennial favorite holiday, Christmas, in my mind, is about to be unseated by a new contender. Even though the juggernaut is responsible for presents, great food, and a day off from work, Halloween could quite possibly be the most fun and obnoxious day of the year. (Note: I use the two adjectives synonomously). It’s the one day where you are completely free and actually encouraged to make a complete jackass of yourself without any repercussions. Remember, it’s not YOU being a jackass, it’s (insert whatever costume you could scrounge up at Ragstock) that drank too much, passed out in the bathroom, and allowed a phallic symbol to be drawn on his or her forehead with permanent marker. You YOURSELF are off the hook!
I take my Halloween festivities very seriously. But this year, for the first time in my life, I was at a complete loss to materialize an outfit for maximum embarrassment potential. Fortunately, in a divine moment of creativity, I came up with what I humbly consider one of the most original costumes of the year. By original and creative, I mean, incredibly dorky and only about 10 people are going to “get it” but the people that “get it” are REALLY going to “get it.” The costume I am referring to is my rendition of a human sudoku puzzle.
The following things were yelled at me on State St:
1. “What the hell are you!?”
2. “Bingo!”
3. “I hate you.”
4. “You’re that thing, what are you called, again?”
5. “You’re math!”
6. “Are you like a puzzle or something?”
7. “I don’t get it.”(By far, the most popular saying)
I left a lot of people very confused. Mission accomplished. My biggest regret was that I didn’t get to bust out my pick-up line, “Hey! If you take a picture of me now, you can do me later.” It’s probably okay though, there’s no way I’d be able to say that cheese with a straight face anyway.
And speaking of hot girls on State Street, yeah, there were plenty of them. I know I am 24 years old and I’m supposed to be a responsible adult and everything but how can anyone get sick of watching young co-eds in scandalously short skirts and how-much-more-cleavage-could-you-possibly-show outfits shivering in the cold October air? As long as I have a pulse, that will ALWAYS be cool. What’s not cool is me becoming a creepy old man, but I still have a few more years before I have to worry about that. Whew!
Everybody knows that a chick can dress up as slutty whatever and guys are going to love it. In this case, everybody is right. But I think it would be an absolute riot if a girl, with the proper assets, went as a slutty guy for Halloween. The confusion factor that I am so fond of, would be through the roof. “Oh my God, look how hot that guy is! Did I just say that? Shit.” Just imagine the look on a dude’s face when he has to explain to his buddies about the super hot man he just saw. Priceless.
What’s not priceless are all the Richie Tennenbaums, free mammogram guy, and guy dressed up a present that says To: Women From: God. Those costumes were sooooooo Halloween 2003, hello-oh! My vote for best costume is a 3 way tie between Tampa Bay Buccaneer head coach John Gruden, my brother the drunken leprechaun, and my buddy Robert Goulet, who actually went as that last year, but was so convincing, especially seeing all the wannabe Robert Goulets last night, makes the cut this year. Kudos to you, gentlemen. Thanks for making our night a little more surreal.
Tis the season for drunken revelry. I hope you all enjoyed Halloween 2005 as much as I did. I know Christmas was always the best time of year as a kid but I think Santa Claus will understand if you change your mind about your new favorite holiday. In fact, I know he will. I saw him do a keg stand at a house party on Saturday night and he seemed to be pretty cool with the whole idea.
Well it sure as hell beats milk and cookies…
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