When I was in high school, I was under the distinct impression that co-eds sat around their living quarters in perpetual fear that at any given moment, a pack of exuberant frat boys could come storming in and steal their undergarments. This would be horrific at first but deep down they secretly enjoyed being the victim of a sophomoric prank and would eventually cave in and have sex with said frat boys. I had no reason to think otherwise, after all, most of my ideas about college came from watching B movies on USA Up (insert annoying high squealing weird chick here) All Night.
I think Elvira used to host that show too. In any case, it was the closest thing to porn I had at the time, so I thought it was pretty awesome.
Well, five years have gone by and I haven’t stolen NEARLY as many thongs as I would have liked to. The women these days are so PC, it’s ridiculous. Why can’t you let us men invade your privacy like the good Lord intended?
All this talk is bringing up other painful memories of stuff I never got to do in college. For instance, I will always regret:
1. Never having an arch-nemesis dean/rival fraternity to wreck havoc upon
2. Dressing up as a woman to infiltrate a female dormitory, sorority house, cheerleader locker room, etc.
3. Using my ability to turn into a werewolf for academic purposes instead of winning a championship boxing title for my school
Dudes! It’s time for us to unite for a panty raid to end all panty raids. We need to act now. The line between youthful hijinks and second degree sexual assault is growing ever thinner. We’re going to need dark clothes, flashlights, ladders, and probably wonder joints. Liz Waters won’t know what hit her! After THAT we’ll get even with those damn Alpha Betas once and for all.
This is going to be a great semester!
My cousin, Michael J. Fox, showing off his other talent besides car surfing.
I, unfortunately, chose more scholarly pursuits.
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