The first book I read was the Unhooked Generation by Jillian Straus, which I read because I wanted to figure out why I was single. It turns out it’s because I’m immature. I was really pissed when I was finished with the book because I already knew that. I probably could have saved myself a few hours if I just would have read the synopsis on Amazon.com instead. Live and learn, I guess.
The second book I read was Cell by Stephen King. It was about, you guessed it, zombies. I find zombie origin stories incredibly interesting. In this case, mankind was doomed by a pulse sent by a terrorist hacker that turned people into crazy zombies through cell phones. I thoroughly enjoyed that aspect of the book. I really can’t explain my utterly hypnotic fascination with zombiism.
God only knows how many conversations I’ve had with my roommate Joe going over what-if scenarios given certain zombie predicaments. Questions range from the most obvious, Who would you try to save during the first hours of a zombie attack? to the slightly more thought provoking, Do you think nine millimeter bullets would be an effective deterrent against a bull rush attack from three zombies? to the positively hypothetical, What would you rather have in zombie world, a double barrel shotgun with infinity ammo or have Chuck Norris as your companion?
Now that I think about it, that last question has a pretty obvious answer. Irregardless of the questions asked, it’s the topic itself that is generally an effective way to clear tables around you at Starbucks. I just think it’s sad that people are afraid to talk about zombie attacks in public. I know for a fact that I am not the only one losing sleep over these matters. Pity.
Cell kind of let me down in the end though because around half way through the book, the zombies starting gaining telepathy and levitating skills which is NOT cool. Although I feel I have a fairly active imagination, the idea of zombies having any kind of intelligence or finely tuned motor skills is just too much of a stretch for me.
I actually think that’s why I feel the idea of zombies is so intriguing. It’s such a simple concept but so many people manage to screw it up. People die. They come back to life. They’re hungry. They like brains. It’s not rocket science, people. But the difference between a great movie like Dawn of the Dead and a shitty movie like Resident Evil 2 is honestly light years.
You would think that the zombie genre wouldn’t translate from the big screen to books since zombies are so visually engaging, but I think J.K. Rowling dispelled that myth when she wrote Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. When the zombies came out of the water to attack Harry and Dumbledore in that crazy cave, I remember thinking, Wow. This is it. This is the end of literature. Nothing is going to top this. I’m glad it only took a children’s novelist to finally capture the true terror that the undead are notorious for.
You know it’s funny; my original intention of this post was to write a humorous satire utilizing knowledge I gained from that dumb relationship book to give advice to love stricken individuals in zombie world. It was going to be my bizarro version of Sex in the City. Well, realistically, if it’s me we’re talking about here, a more appropriate column title would be Not Getting Laid In A College Town. I’ll save that idea for a rainy day.
Why can’t I just meet a nice girl who can appreciate a good zombie movie? It probably goes to back to that immaturity thing I was harping about before…
The man, Chuck Norris, our greatest weapon in the war on zombies. Hopefully the same force that resurrects dead humans can also resurrect his career.
6 comments:
I can understand why you would think that the Chuck Norris vs. infinity ammo shotgun is a no brainer, but think about this:
What if, by some unfortunate act of God, some errant speck of zombie blood found its way into Chuck Norris' system (probably through his eye, as there is no way he would have any open wounds on him)after a particularly vicious roundhouse kick decapitated some poor, mindless zombie? Now you've got zombie Norris to deal with and no infinity ammo shotgun to put him down.
That infinity ammo shotgun doesn't look so bad now, does it?
An interesting argument, Gordon, but you've missed a crucial detail in that Chuck Norris's eyes are coated by a microthin translucent protectant that not only acts as a shield against debris but also allows him to deliver precision blows with his hands and feet with pin point accuracy. I'd be less concerned with a zombie Norris scenario and more concerned with not annoying Chuck Norris while traversing zombie world with him.
Unlike you Dykeenies, We don't have to worry about zombies, just trolls. Ich!
I recognize you, you're the stupid Dykeenie we stole the badby from while you taking a pee!
...baby
Wrong, stupid brownie! That was Mad Mardigan, I was the Nelwin who got pooped on by the wizards bird. (that is a weird statement)
Post a Comment