The Not-So-Special Olympics

Another Winter Olympics have come and gone. I wish there was a single word I could use to describe the event. If I had to venture, I would say yawn.

I’m sorry but the Olympics are boring.

I don’t even care that the United States didn’t win the final medal count. In the world economic Olympics, we’re still number one. Just having a GDP per capita high enough to support a winter Olympic team is an achievement in and of itself. Choke on that, any country from South America!

I would now like to highlight a five-point plan to make the Olympics awesome again. My first and I think most important recommendation for the 2008 games in Beijing is that we need to simplify the events so that they actually have meaning again. For instance, of the many pointless sports being reviewed under Olympic Committee, Korfball has a legitimate chance at becoming a contender in the upcoming summer games.

Korfball is a sport that is a funky combination of football, basketball, and ultimate Frisbee played in the Netherlands. It’s played with two teams of four with two women and two men on each team. There is some type of hoop thingy on both ends of the court and scoring involves throwing a football shaped object through the hoop. You can only pass (no dribbling or running with the ball) and men can only cover other men and women can only cover other women.

Proponents of the sport applaud its emphasis on teamwork since you have to constantly work with each other to move the ball down the court. There is also a lot of strategy involved so being tactical is valued over sheer physical strength from any one player. Finally, the progressives love it because it combines both genders where everyone plays an equal role.

Though those are all intriguing arguments, I think I have a trump card for why it still shouldn’t be allowed in the Olympics: Because it’s fucking KORFBALL!

So we’re just going to let any crazy sport in the Olympics now? We’re going to diminish the already weakened value of medals from our core events like running, jumping, swimming, and Ping Pong? Enough is enough!

If we’re going to let Korfball in, then what about the sport that I invented? It’s called Wollball and the premise is simple. The sport is played on a 10 meter by 10 foot meter court with a brick wall measuring 3.542 meters high in the center. A player takes a regulation Wollball weighing 205 kilograms and then places it on the ground. The player then walks up to the brick wall and then bashes his or her head against the wall until the world starts making sense. This basically means knocking yourself unconscious. The fastest time wins!

The remaining four points are relatively simple. First, we need to provide a team for North Korea or Iran so there is at least one evil country that we can all rally against. Second, all events should be broadcast in montage form with Survivor playing in the background. Third, we need to take a cue from the Biathlon and start adding a gun element to all the events because guns are cool. Fourth, every country needs to do their part to start producing hotter athletes.

Now that I think about it, we should also go back to the Greek days where Olympians performed all the events in the nude. I think that would do wonders for the television ratings on women’s ice hockey.



Another litmus test to determine if an event should be in the Olympics or not is that there shouldn’t be the possibility that you could actually get better at it if you started drinking heavily. That would definitely rule out Curling in 2010.