Let’s see here, hmmm, I feel like I was supposed to do something today. I know it was something important. God! It’s right on the tip of my tongue; don’t you hate it when that happens? Hold on a sec, let me check my calendar. February 14th. Okay, I got that presentation at work covered and I picked up my dry-cleaning, oh here’s what I’m looking for: NOT have a girlfriend. Whew! I’m glad I remembered to do that!
If you were expecting a scathing Valentines Day post from yours truly, well, you came to the right place. Like all red-blooded American guys, I feel that Valentines Day is a crock of a holiday that probably brings more misery than happiness to all that decide to observe the results of Hallmark’s lobbying efforts from back in the day when a couple of genius marketing execs were brainstorming a way to combat a perennial winter sales slump for greeting cards. If you’re single, the day just reminds you of how pathetic you are, and if you are seeing someone, then you have to either cope with the stress of finding a gift that sends the appropriate message or receiving a gift that is inevitably going to carry a different message than you were hoping for. It’s a lose/lose situation for everybody.
Even though I tore Valentines Day a new asshole just now, I’m actually starting to warm up to the idea. It just requires a change in attitude. First, you have to ignore the actual title of Valentines Day and start referring to it as Freedom Day. It should be a night where you go out with all of your drinking buddies and get as messed up as possible, celebrating the fact you don’t have to beg and plea and justify your actions to ANYONE to get as messed up as you just did. No obligations, no problems! Whoo!
Also, you would have to be out of your gourd to try picking up a chick in a bar on Valentines Day so that takes a lot of the pressure off as well. If I was a bar owner, I would have a strict dress code to only let people in with sweatpants and hooded sweatshirts, because if no one is going to be hooking up, you might as well be comfortable. What a great idea for a promotion!
The second reason I kind of like Valentines Day is not the day itself but the day after. Why? Because even though most people had a lot of fun rocking apart Freedom Day the night before, they are still going to come to next day realizations that there is not a bouquet of flowers on their desk or going home with their right hand again just ain’t what it used to be. This phenomenon should be called Cupid’s Hangover.
Cupid’s Hangover should be the start of mating season if ever such a thing should exist. It’s a time a where people should switch into vulture mode and prey on all the vulnerable people out in wild. It’s a perfect opportunity to ask the cutie in class for a cup of coffee after lecture or that co-worker out for a drink to bite the dog that bit you the previous night. You’ve got no excuses. As another incentive, it’s the day that marks the longest possible time between more Valentines Day. Yahtzee!
Happy Freedom Day, everybody! I’ll see you at Wando’s tonight. I’ll be the one with my head in a fishbowl.
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