6 Reasons Why Phoenix Might Be More Rad Than Wisconsin

I was in Phoenix most of last week for work. It’s a pretty sweet town. Below are six reasons why Phoenix might be more rad than Wisconsin.

1. In-N-Out Burgers:
Have you ever been to one of these before? It’s genius. Some brilliant restaurateur back in California woke up one morning and said to himself, “you know what, from here on out, my menu is only going to have two things: cheeseburgers and french fries. And they’re going to rock the pants off the competition.” Well, you did it, guy. You kept it simple and the result is the best fast-food meal on the market. You get TWO Gold Stars for the day.


2. Circle K Convenience Stores:
I made a point to only frequent Circle K Convenience Stores whenever I needed gas or random shit. Why? Because every time I got out of my car, I would say real loudly in my best Keanu Reeves voice, “Something strange is afoot at the Circle K.” Then I would look around with a bemused look on my face, like I couldn’t believe how clever I was being, to see if anybody “got it”. Nobody did. Apparently no one in the greater Phoenix metropolitan area has ever seen Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. That is definately most non-triumphant. That bit would have killed amongst my friends here. Wyld Stalyns Rule!


"Hey, Ted. I don't think anyone in Phoenix has ever seen our 1989 classic."
"Whoaaaa, Bogus."

3. The Blue Angels:

I was checking out a development site near Luke Air Force Base when all of a sudden, the Blue Angels Fighter Squadron came screaming over my windshield where they proceeded to perform some of the craziest aerials I have ever seen. Some locals later informed me that the Blue Angels were practicing for an air show that was going on later that week. It seemed like a logical explanation, but I knew deep down, those amazing acrobatics were meant just for me. It was the United States Air Force’s way of saluting, “tipping their hat,” if you will, to the grand machismo that is Ben Wollin. It was a fine gesture indeed, and one that I’m sure I would get more often from our other branches of the Armed Forces if it wasn’t for Wisconsin’s stubborn weather conditions, which brings me to my next point…


Don't let anybody tell you otherwise, these fighter planes are fueled exclusively with raw testosterone.

4. Bitchin’ Weather:
Sunny and 85 degrees with not a cloud in the sky. Would you like that forecast in late October, sir? Yes, please.

5. Cabela’s Superstore:
If Ted Nugent and Walt Disney’s cryogenically frozen head ever got together to design a new theme park, it would probably come close to the Cabela’s Superstore in Glendale, Arizona. The store is 160,000 SF of guns, knives, boats, bows, guns, camping gear, fishing tackle, outdoor clothing, and guns. Seriously, this place boasts an armory that rivals most industrialized nations. But it also has a lot of stuff for the fam, like an aquarium, animal museum, restaurant and candy store, and a play area which includes a shooting gallery. Firearms and kids, together at last!

6. Drive-Thru Liquor Stores:
If an idea like this is going to work anywhere, you would think it would most definitely work in Wisconsin. Why don’t we have these here!? Woodmans, I want you taking notes on this. I expect a full report and implementation plan by the end of the week.



"Um..could I get a number 2, but with Colt 45 instead of Old English, a side order of bottle of Jack Daniels, and two, wait, do you guys need something back there, yeah, better make that four bottles of Boones Farm. Oooh, I see pack of cigs is now on your value menu. We'll take a couple of those, too."