Motorboating: Passing Fad or America's New Favorite Pastime?

Every once in awhile, a movie comes along and redefines the definition of sexy. When the movie Ghost came out, nobody looked at a pottery wheel the same ever again after that steamy scene with Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore. Likewise, nobody EVER thought of getting into threesomes until the release of Wild Things, where Denise Richards, Neve Cambell, and Matt Dillon taught us that sex with more than one other person can be more than just a pipedream.

I like to think that instances of Motorboating have skyrocketed after being popularized by Vince Vaughn in Wedding Crashers. In case you don’t know what Motorboating is, it is simply the act of sticking one’s face between two breasts and making a hilarious motorboat sound. I know this entertaining act is taking the country by storm, but is there a way to prove it?

Since there is not a lot of reliable data out there on the subject of Motorboating (dammit Census Bureau!), I decided to seek out empirical evidence, but I didn’t know where to start. Then it hit me:

My roommate has ginormous boobs.

I’m not kidding. Her boobs are so big, I have to charge them separate rent. Apiece. One month, I almost had to evict one of them because of a late payment. That was a weird conversation:

“Abbey, I’ve always appreciated your timely rent payments, actually you AND Sally Sweetmilk have always been great tenants, but something HAS to be done about Ms. Daisy Danglehard.

Anyways, I naturally assumed that my best friend Joe, who is dating this girl, was an expert in the art of Motorboating so I thought I’d get the scoop from him. I’ve transcribed the results of my investigative reporting below:

Me: Hey, Joe, How often to you go Motorboating on Abbey?
Joe: Um…don’t you think that’s kind of inappropriate?
Me: Yeah, but so was naming your girlfriend’s left and right boob, and I didn’t stop there, now did it?
Joe: I guess I can’t argue with that logic. I Motorboat two or three times daily, four if she’s had a particular rough day.
Me: Interesting. This conversation fascinates me.

So there you have it, folks. Based on this one fictional conversation with Joe, I think America’s love affair with Motorboating will continue indefinitely.

I can already envision how great my married life is going to be some day because of this exciting turn of events. I see my kids grabbing their Knightrider Lunch Boxes off the counter and hurrying off to catch the bus to school. Myself, I look down at my watch and notice I’m running late, so I throw down my Wall Street Journal on the breakfast table, grab my briefcase, and say good-bye to my loving wife before I dash off to another day at the rat races.

But instead of the clichéd peck on the cheek, I’m going to grab her real close, get my face all up in ‘em, and, well, you know, BBBTTTPPPBBBTTTPPP!

If that doesn’t say “Love ya, hun”, I don’t know what will.



Hey!? This isn’t what I ordered! Talk about false advertising! Oh well, at least I have my subscription to Taint Quarterly to keep me occupied…