If Hollywood has taught me anything, and it has, it’s that our wonderful planet is due for some kind of inevitable zombie attack. Right now it is unclear if the assault will come from an army of the formerly deceased by an apocalyptic gesture of God or merely the spread of an airborne virus from an evil corporate conglomerate (Halliburton comes to mind). One thing is for certain, there is no stopping them.
I, for one, would like to welcome our new undead friends. I feel it will finally give me the chance to fulfill my destiny as the shotgun wielding, cigar smoking, hell-bent motorcycle warrior I was to born to be (I still haven’t decided if I’m going to wear shoulder pads with spikes protruding from them yet, but I definitely wouldn’t rule it out). Nothing gets me through a boring day at the office more than the possibility of slaying a pack of flesh-eating people freshly diagnosed with a scorching case of zombiism. I wouldn’t hesitate what to do in a second and neither should you.
That’s why it is important to formulate a game plan for dealing with the zombies in various scenarios you may find yourself in. For example, when you’re in lecture or something, you’re going to want to know where all the exits are and where to find the nearest fire hatchet or at least a blunt object to strike down the zombies when they try to eat your brains.
I’d like to take a moment here to dispel a rumor that eating asparagus will make your brains less tasty to the zombies. It won’t. Don’t waste your time listening to that bogus advice, it might just get you killed or eaten.
I STRONGLY recommend that at the very least, stock up on plenty of ammunition, and if you can, get your ass to the target range to work on your head shots. Don’t be fooled by the zombie’s soft flesh, a good blow to the dome is the only way to take down the walking dead, unless you have time to remove all their arms and legs but who has time for that? Don’t get fancy out there in zombie world. Vince Lombardi once said “Stick to the fundamentals” and that advice rings true for eradicating zombies as well as winning Super Bowls.
I have hordes of other useful knowledge for exterminating zombies but I’m keeping them to myself and for all the beautiful dames I decide to rescue along the way. In the meantime, practice those head shots and just pray we don’t have to deal with the zombies in 28 Days Later. Those fuckers were FAST.
2 comments:
I think I have to disagree with you there Ben. While the 28 Days Later angry zombies were super fast, it was proven that they could be starved to death. The re-animated corpses with an unquenchable desire for brains from Dawn of the Dead, however, showed no signs of weakness short of a well placed bullet thru the brain. Those assholes seem to be damn near indestructable otherwise. Plus, with the infection zombies of 28 Days Later the zombiism spreads through the body nearly instantaneously, meaning a singal drop of zombie blood to an orifice results in immediate zombiism, whereas in re-animated corpse zombiism the unfortunate fool with a newfound zombie infection gets to live a productive life as a human until the day he dies - then it's hello zombie livin.
So don't be so hasty in assigning preferences to zombie origins.
Reading I am Legend by Richard Matheson may well come in handy - it's about vampires rather than zombies, but hey, it pays to diversify.
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