The Time I Convinced Brett Favre to Not Retire

Yes, the rumors are true. It was I, who single handedly convinced Brett Favre to play another season for the Green Bay Packers.

It’s kind of a funny story actually.

You see, Brett Favre and I are in regular communicato for pretty much everything. We both have one of those direct red phone systems without any phone numbers on it like the United States and Russia used during the cold war. The only difference is that Brett Favre dominating another season for the Green and Gold has far more repercussions than the prospect of nuclear holocaust.

Normally, Brett Favre and I keep tabs with each other on a weekly basis. He usually just calls for women advice, home improvement ideas, penetrating the Vikings defense, stuff like that; but lately he has been really on edge. I knew he was stressed out on whether or not to play next this year so I kept my distance but I was starting to get a bit perturbed when two months went by without a peep from him.

Finally, last Tuesday, I got a call from the man himself. I picked up the phone, livid at this point that he hadn’t kept me in the loop on his retirement decision. There was all this wild speculation going and I wanted some honest to God answers. I’ll transcribe the conversation verbatim:

Brett Favre: Hey, Ben, it’s me.

Me: Oh…hey, Nancy.

Brett Favre: Ben, c’mon, cut me some slack, I’m under a lot of pressure here. I’m not the same man I was ten years ago. I lead the league in interceptions, my quarterback rating is at an all time low, the…

Me: Yeah, well Dan Marino had a sob story like your too but that didn’t stop him from setting the all time record for passing yards and touchdown receptions. But I guess you don’t care about being better than Dan Marino, do you?

Brett Favre: Well Dan Marino doesn’t have a super bowl ring either, does he?

Me: Sure, you’re right, I guess I didn’t notice that when he was chewing the scenery with Jim Carrey in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. How much more screen time did he have from you again in There’s Something About Mary. I can’t remember because he was basically in the whole movie while you only had a few crappy lines.

Brett Favre: Dan Marino is a hack! That’s it! I’m going to play another season and not only break every one his records but I’m going to win another title for Green Bay. Then I’m going to star opposite of Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson in some new comedy and it’s going to be awesome.

We then got into a heated debate on what song he wanted played when he returned for the home opener of the 2006 season. He thought the Imperial March would be a great way to intimidate the opposing team but he eventually conceded that the Star Wars Theme Song would be more appropriate seeing that he would be the new hope for the Packers claiming the Super Bowl XLI title. At least the decision for him to lead a charge onto Lambeau carrying a sword and riding a white stallion was unanimous.

You see it was me and my cunning use of reverse psychology that prompted Brett Favre to forget about his retirement. I know how to hit him where it hurts. I figure I’ll be using that Dan Marino ruse to keep him playing for at least another six seasons.

You’re welcome, Green Bay.



You can easily trip up Brett Favre's ego by making fun of his performance in There's Something About Mary even though, deep down, I know he's done some of the finest acting performed in Hollywood in probably the last decade.