How to NOT Get Robbed By Two Prostitutes This Weekend

Before we get into that, let me tell you about the rest of my crazy weekend. It started off really cool, my brother convinced me to do the Polar Plunge in Oshkosh and boy oh boy it sure was cold but it was for a good cause so…hmm…you know what? Gold jacket, green jacket, who gives a shit?

Let’s talk about them prostitutes!

So this story didn’t actually happen to me, but it happened to somebody I know very well. I’m not going to give away any name because it’s kind of embarrassing for him but I will give you a hint. He used to be the starting quarterback for Ashwaubenon High School, he graduated in 2000, and his name is Gregory Lorenzo Altmann.

Whoops. So anyways Gregory Lorenzo was out and about, tearing up downtown on a Friday night just like any other when he fatefully strolled into the fine establishment they call Stirrups on Washington Street. Upon entering the premises, he came across two attractive African American ladies so naturally he approached these two young ladies and said what anyone would have said in his situation.

“So……you girls don’t belong here.”

Only Greg could get away with that line. I can imagine the shit eating grin on his face when he said it.

After that immortal ice breaker, they ended up having a few cocktails and a few more cocktails after that until it was bar time. This is where it gets interesting.

Greg has a hockey buddy that lives in the apartments near Stirrups so Greg thought it would be a swell idea to get an A-bar going with these lovely ladies of the night. Keep in mind that he didn’t know they were prostitutes.

Well, to be honest, we can’t actually confirm they were prostitutes but when Greg suggested they go back to his buddy’s place to party, these girls suggested they go to an ATM first because cops don’t go to ATMs before “partying”.

Wow. That’s not suspicious at all.

But dipshit must have thought that this request was just par for the course because he drove them to the nearest ATM, took out a token amount of $10 from the machine, and then continued on their way.

Greg must not have known the solicitation jargon or something because when he dropped them off at their car, instead of following him back, they just went on their merry way.

Then today Greg discovered that his ATM card was missing. You know what else was missing?

$400 bucks from his checking account! Eh Oh!

Tonight we tried to solve the mystery of how the ATM card disappeared. He swears he didn’t hug them good bye or anything like that and they didn’t get close enough to him to physically take his wallet from his pocket. He still had cash, which is weird.

But Sherlock Wollin figured out the caper. There were two girls with him in his car so I think the one in the back seat got his pin number when he went to the ATM. The cop excuse was just a ruse. Then they created a diversion to get Greg to drive away before he could retrieve his card from the machine. These chicks are like the Danny Ocean’s of Green Bay bar time.

When I asked Greg if this sounded plausible he said yeah probably, but his memory is fuzzy because of the afformentioned cocktails that were consumed at Stirrups. After he dropped the girls off, they must have went straight back to the ATM machine. But I think they had a third accomplice waiting to snatch the card. I’m almost positive the third accomplice is the crotchety old man that runs the haunted amusement park two towns over.

I think we can all take away a valuable lesson from this. When soliciting a hooker, it’s wise to have a designated ATM card with only a little bit of cash on it when it inevitably gets stolen. I don’t know about you guys. That’s what I got out of it.

Aaron Vanlieshout is POOR Part II

People sometimes ask me what my personal favorite Brain Litter post of all time is and the answer to that is probably the Hottest Girls of Parkview Middle School because that lunch room map is pretty legendary. I hope they etch that goofy map on my tombstone some day. It really is my claim to fame as sad as that is.

But my second favorite post is easily Aaron Vanlieshout is POOR. That one cracks me up every time because of all those crude sketches of Aaron being poor and living in cardboard box so I thought I would revisit my Chemistry notebook for a couple more jabs at my good friend Aaron aka The Dude.


This one pretty much sums up the humor contained in my chemistry notes in a nutshell. I used to sit next to Dude in Chemistry sophomore year with Kris Kropp at the helm. We were the youngest people in class and it was kind of boring and we were also in gym class where he wore this tattered White Sox shirt so I would draw drawings like the one above because, hey, it sure beat learning stuff and it would make Dude mad.




Most of these drawings focus on poop. I hope that doesn't mean something.




This picture features a sweet drawing of Joe Barrie. The NCB stands for National Chemistry Board. This was part of a series with other famous people such as the Wu Tang Clan and Macho Man Randy Savage endorsing the NCB. It is completely nonsensical which leads me to this drawing:



I don't know why I think this is still funny but trust me, compared to some of the other weird shit I wrote at the time, this pic makes all the sense in the world.


This one is sort of an anomaly because Dude lives in a dumpster instead of a cardboard box. Those are flys buzzing by his head if you couldn't tell. You can tell I am successful in the future because I am wearing a tie, have great hair, and I am not portrayed as a stick figure.


Sometimes the Dude and I collaborated on projects such as the drawing above. Dude depicted a scene from one of the later seasons of Full House when Uncle Jesse beefed up his rock image by leaving Jesse and the Rippers and becoming The Vulture to bring a younger crowd to the Smash Club.

Don't remember that one, eh? You are very lucky. I'm ashamed that I have knowledge of that particular episode. Really ashamed. Don't get me wrong, I'm willing to wager that a lot of my peers grew up watching the trials and tribulations of the Tanner family but probably only me, Dude, and like five other people stuck it out to the bitter end of that series. I should have threw in the towel when DJ's boyfriend Steve became a featured character on the show. That guy was LAME. At least Kimmy Gibbler got hot.

But if anyone out there in internetland is interested, I have SIX PAGES of other Full House reenactments written by myself and the Dude and how those situations would probably play out in the real world. I hesitate to publish these pages, a lot of the gags are real hit and miss but I'll the gauge public interest and play it by ear.

Benny's the Big Winner!

Booyah! I made some serious bank this weekend, thank you for asking. A shout out to Drew Brees for that amazing performance, I would have been happy if you all just covered the spread but you went ahead and won the whole flippin' thing. Good for you guy. I only wish I could celebrate with you down on Bourbon Street, I'm sure it will be mardi gras squared there for at least the next couple of weeks.

I also hit a 6-7 pull tab and two of my numbers hit at the party I was at. Grand total so far...$163.

Which leaves me with my bets with Joe buds. We had about 20 different bets going on and at the end of the day, he was up on me one single dollar.

Until this morning, that is. I was reading a recap of all the ads and one winner was a Kia commercial featured a sock monkey. I had a one dollar bet that a monkey would appear in an ad before a caveman. Does a sock monkey count as a monkey? Survey says!?

Yes. A sock monkey is still a monkey, therefore our bets were back to even and I now owe Joe zero dollars. If Joe didn't call that audible at half time that Pete Townsend was going to smash his guitar, he'd still be in the money. But he got greedy and I hope he learned his lesson.

Not to change the subject, but I'm a huge fan of Bill Simmons on espn.com so I've decided that I'm going to write him an inane pop culture question every week until I get a letter posted on his page.

This week I've challenged him to name a better movie-inspired theme song than Weird Science. It's a trick question and I hope he picks up on it. A lot of people would say that the Ghostbusters theme song is the best, and that is the obvious answer but that would be incorrect. The correct answer is that there is no better theme song than Weird Science. Let's see if the Sports Guy knows his stuff. Or cares.

Gamblor's Got Me By His Neon Claws

It's Super Bowl weekend and you know what that means...wacky proposition betting time with my old pal Joe Daniels.

To recap, I have basically broke even between all my fantasy leagues, pick em leagues, number pull tabs, and zany side bets with some of Green Bay's most nefarious gamblers, mainly Altmann and Vang, going into the playoffs.

I got my butt kicked though betting on the Pack against Arizona and also had 22-1 odds on the Pack winning the super bowl. Hard to say no to ANY bet with 22-1 odds but alas I am now down some unless you count the value of all the free shots I've taken during Cropsey's 2009 bar dice season but that's sort of mixing apple and oranges.

To make a long story short, I need to make some bucks this weekend in order to come out ahead for the entire year.

My first big bet is being placed as we speak by my pops who is in Vegas this weekend. For a christmas present, my dad got me a two month health insurance policy to cover me between when my last policy expired and when my new policy kicks in with my new job. But unbeknownst to me, my dad forgot to send the check so I was running around town last month with no insurance. Hahaha Dad, good prank, you really zinged me good there.

In any case, he feels bad so he's placing a $50 bet on the Saints with a 5.5 point spread. If I win that baby, I'll be all good for the season. It'll actually be a double win since I did NOT get injured and bankrupted by medical bills these past two months. My dad is a riot, what can I say.

I will update this weekend once the bets are finalized but right now, we currently have a back and forth regarding The Who's set list for the half time show. Joe has picked the last two Super Bowl set lists correctly so forgive me if I'm a little worried about this bet. He's very good. I think he either has a working relationship with Tom Petty and Bruce Springsteen or he is a gifted psychic. Or he knows how to use an internet browser.

This year we have two set list bets to spice things up. We agreed that the over/under for songs from CSI introductions is 1.5. I took the over on that one, knowing full well CBS is going to appease the CSI fanboys out there. And we both agreed that Baba O'Riley will get played since that song just kicks ass so that leaves one song to our choosing. My gut tell me Magic Bus and Joe is dead set on Who Are You but only time will tell.

More bets coming soon, if you can think of some good ones let me know. Does anyone have odds how many times Haiti and Vilma/Garcon will be mentioned together during the broadcast? My guess is a whole bunch of times.

A Big Bucket of Dog Poop

What? You were expecting a post about relationships or something?

I don't why I think this is newsworthy but I spent a good hour this afternoon hacking at frozen pieces of dog poop with a garden hoe and then scooping them up with my handy scooper. It really sucked but at least I'm getting a small blog post out it...and I won't have to pick them up come spring when they are warm and soft and stuck in the mud and I when you grab them they make this horrific squishing sound and...ugh...guh....excuse me for a moment, I just vomited in my mouth a little thinking about it.

Anyways, I have to go wash my hands and get on with my life. Happy Sunday everyone.

Rogaine Continued...

I think a recap of my last post regarding my fear of a receding hairline can best be visualized by recalling the climatic battle in The Patriot starring Mel Gibson.

If you don’t remember, the Americans had dug their feet in the ground and were doing a damn fine job fending off the Brits because they were pissed off that Lucious Malfoy burned down their church with all the people in it. But then the Red Coats started to bring the pain for some reason and America had to retreat but this did not sit well with Mel Gibson. So Mel Gibson yells to this one guy, “Give me that flag, you jagweed!” and he starts waving around the American flag causing a frenzy and eventually the Americans come charging back and Mel Gibson bayonets Malfoy and that’s basically how the Revolutionary War was won.

So what I’m trying to say is that America is my hair, the damn Brits are my forehead, and Mel Gibson is what I want Rogaine to be.

I hope that makes sense. If it doesn’t, go back and re-read that second paragraph, but this time, imagine that Billy Madison is explaining it to you in front of a Knibb High class assembly. That trick works for me all the time.

What is the investment going to cost? Well, I found a good deal on drugstore.com for $50.00 for a 3 month supply according to the directions. But I later found out that Rogaine is supposed to be used for the top of your scalp only and there is no guarantee that it will work on your hairline. I was kind of pissed but then I read some user comments and people were swearing that it worked on the hairline but these same people also swore that it smelled like shit but I think it smells just fine so I don’t know what to believe.

In any case, I started the regime and have used less than a half bottle over three weeks since I’m only using it on my hairline and not my scalp. The hair was supposed to fall out and then grow back stronger in the first few weeks but so far it has done jack squat. I’m fine with that though. No news is good news when it comes to hair loss.

I think I’m going to keep using Rogaine regardless of what happens. At the rate I’m using it, it will only cost $100 a year and that’s pretty cheap for a little peace of mind and higher self esteem. And if I start losing the receding hair battle, at least I can say I went down swinging.

In the mean time, I’m going to quit wearing hats, start brushing my hair an hour to day to strengthen the hair follicles, and according to one ancient Egyptian hair loss remedy I found on the internet, find a virgin to rub pigeon poop on my scalp. Does anyone know a virgin with an excess supply of pigeon poop?


Actually, I stole this shirt from Frank!

Let's Talk About Rogaine

So the obvious topic for tonight’s post is last night’s Vikings loss to the Saints and the possible last game of the great Brett Favre but I’m just not at a place, either emotionally or spiritually, to talk about it right now so I will maybe save that for a later time.

For a change, I will you let you decide tonight’s blog from the following categories: Flaming bags of dog poo and the human response or male pattern baldness.

Well I could write a book about the former so let’s just get into the latter.

I started a Rogaine regime about three weeks ago.

Now why I on earth would I admit to something like that to the online community, you ask? Well besides the fact that my online community only consists of like five people, I actually find it better to readily admit to these types of things as opposed to bottling it up the letting the shame fester inside of me.

I used the same rationale when I was on match.com a few years ago. A lot of people feel guilty and are embarrassed to be dating people on the interwebs but while I was a subscriber, I told everybody and their grandmother about how great it was instead of getting caught on it and having to go on the defensive about it later.

Anyways, back to the Rogaine. Truth be told, I think I have a pretty great head of hair. With the exception of this crazy cowlick that my barber always bitches about, my hair has treated me very well over the years. See example below.


Favorite pic of all time, no joke. It always makes me smile and long for a can of burger light.

But my real fear stems from this nugget of truth I gleaned from Mr. Kitsemble’s biology class freshmen year of high school. We were learning about genetics and he said that hair loss is completely hereditary. If your dad is bald, and your mother’s dad is bald, then you are sure as fuck going to be bald. Then he went off on some shit about rabbits but that’s beside the point.

I don’t know why but I believe him. And heredity is not on my side.

I tried to convince myself otherwise. I thought to myself that maybe the bald gene will skip me just like the gene that gives you blue eyes or the gene that makes you good at sports but I just can’t take the risk.

Now my game plan has always been to age gracefully but I am NOT going to be attractive bald man. Don’t get me wrong, some people can pull off the bald look. Michael Jordan, Bruce Willis, um…Professor X, maybe? Mike Servais would look weird with hair.

Well that’s about it, I think. Receding hairlines suck so I’m making a pre-emptive strike on the war on hair loss.

More on the subject later. Right now I have change into sweat pants and eat an entire gallon of ice cream with a big wooden spoon to cope with my loss from yesterday.


I retract my previous statement...this is my favorite picture of all time. Not exaggerating when I say I laugh my ass off whenever I see this classic from Chemistry class.

New Running Gag for 2010

So I was pondering some ideas for some running gags to kick off the new decade. Some of my proposed gags in the past never really came to fruition and that is unacceptable.

I remember distinctively at one point that I was going to mock Peyton Manning on a regular basis because everyone loves him and thinks he's the greatest quarterback ever but I wanted to call out the fact that he's kind of a whiner and he had one greatest offensive lines in history and he chokes a lot during the post season but most of all because he sucks compared to Brett Favre. But I only made fun of him a few times and then left him alone, which defeats the whole purpose of a running gag.

Therefore I am going to start injecting into my blogs regular references to the screenplay that I never finished in California. The movie is called Jumping the Shark and if don’t recall, it’s about a uptight college kid who bands together with his womanizing best friend and a team of misfits to film a low budget movie and win back the love of his ex-girlfriend. Spoiler alert: The bad guys are hippies. Whoa.

Here is a page from said screenplay, illustrating the quick witted banter you can expect from a Ben Wollin film:



Hilarious, right? Many of you may have noticed that the protagonist is named Ken, not unlike my own name. Could this project be a little less commercial and a little more personal than we first expected? Who knows, right? Let the speculation begin!

Basically, I want Jumping the Shark to be my Chinese Democracy. Before Chinese Democracy got released, I should add. I will argue the stupidest thing Guns N Roses ever did (and they did a LOT of stupid things) was to release that album because it ruined one of the greatest on going pop culture references of all time. There was no way that album could ever live up to its hype, therefore it should have never been released. Chinese Democracy had unlimited joke potential that only got funnier with age and GNR ruined it. Poop on that.

I want Jumping the Shark to fill that void. Let the running gag begin!

Ideas for Facebook Relationship Updates Part II

Okay, finally got my shit together for the last part of this post.

8. It’s So On - Yeah! You actually found someone that can actually tolerate your exclusive company. Woo hoo!

9. L – Bombs – You are in a relationship where you are hurling I Love You's left and right. One might make a case to have a separate category for dropping L- Bombs in public.

10. Farts and Burps – The relationship has been elevated to dropping ass and belching in each other’s company and neither party being embarrassed about it.

11. Buying a Pet Together – In other words, you are damn close to being engaged. Damn close. Just one more test which brings me to…

12. Dutch Ovening – Not only are you farting and burping in front of each other but you are now farting and burping in bed and trapping your significant other under the sheets until they agree to marry you. Ask the Dude’s dad about this method. It works.

13. Engaged But Today’s My Bachelor Party– This should be a temporary one day status update as a last ditch effort to let your hot, opposite sex friends know they could have one last crack at your junk.

14. Married – I think here would be a good place to insert Mike Myer’s immortal line from Wayne’s World: “Garth, marriage is a form of punishment in some countries.” Funny stuff.

15. Married Tiger Woods Style – You are married but still down to fuck around or as I like to say DTF.

16. Married with Children – Not only a solid category but also a sitcom I’d like to see back on Fox.

17. Widowed – NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

18. Widowed – YESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!

Well I think that pretty describes any possible relationship status you could be in. I dare you to come up with more. You can’t because I just named them all.

Let’s get it done, Zuckerman, I know you have the resources to pull it off. Don’t make me get that Tom asshole from Myspace to beat you down.

Ideas for Facebook Relationship Status Updates

Some of you may have noticed a recent update to my Facebook profile. Under my profile, you will notice that I went from being single to being in a relationship. Hard to believe but that is NOT an error.

I have a gf now and I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious, I guess. We went from boyfriend/girlfriend to boyfriend/girlfriend on Facebook in less than two days. Holy shit, right? I’ve never been this exclusive with someone since the inception of Facebook which briefly made me super depressed.

I propose Facebook should come up with some broader categories in the relationship section in order for people like myself to at least be able to take some baby steps towards a normal healthy adult relationship.

1. Hopelessly Single – You’ve essentially given up on the dating scene and are wearing sweatpants to the bars. That bar is probably Cropseys. It might be because of job loss or because you live with the ‘rents or some combination of the two. In any case, this state of singleness describes my last summer.

2. Work in Progress – I would describe this stage as anyone single in college or in they’re early 20’s. Basically it means you are single and are looking to hook up or maybe have a summer fling, but let’s face it, you have no money, no time, and your mindset is improving your flip cup game rather than going to dinner and a movie on a Friday night.

3. Actively Single – You are up for an exclusive relationship and are basically out and about, putting out vibe every weekend. Includes anyone subscribing to match.com.

4. Inbetweener – This stage is when you are dating someone that you know is not going to pan out in the long term so you just kind of half ass it. Examples include dating an intern or a college kid. Could be lust based. I’m an expert in this category as it generally sums up love life from 2006-2008.

5. Back and Forth – This one is kind of tricky. It means you are single but you are really focused on someone and you swear they like you too because you’ve been texting back and forth but he or she was out of town one weekend and you got too drunk the last weekend but it’s just a matter of time before you both get together under ideal circumstances and finally hook up. Where it goes from there, no one knows, but you have to get it out of your system.

6. Friends with Benefits – You harbor no illusions of getting into a serious relationship and are simply hooking up after bar time. For many men, this category is also called the Holy Grail.

7. Kinda Sorta – You’ve been dating someone and you think it might be exclusive and it’s probably implied that it is exclusive but you haven’t had the “define the relationship” talk yet.

On a side note, Facebook does give you an It’s Complicated but personally, I find it way too broad. It covers my last four categories and they are all very unique. It’s too much of a cop out and it needs to go.

Okay, I’m having a lot of fun with this post but I got some shit I gotta do today like lift weights so I’ll continue these relationship status categories in my next post.