Random Thoughts on a Random Day 7.27.10

I don’t have anything super great to comment on this week so I think I’ll just leave you all with a couple of thought provoking nuggets of Brain Litter that don’t warrant a dedicated post.

1. I’ve got the perfect idea for a sequel to Inception. Check this. It’s about a dream within a dream within a dream within a dream. Within in a dream….wait for it…Within a dream. Whoa.

2. I know it’s hip right now to hate the show Entourage but the focus of last week’s plot was a Ping Pong match between Drama and Uncle Jesse from Full House. If that’s not good TV, I don’t know what is.

3. Speaking of Ping Pong, here is a pictorial update from the front lines of Man Pong.



4. I’m thinking of naming my kick ball team “The Situation” but it’s tearing me up inside. The unpleasantness is caused from the hypocrisy of balancing my need to be on the bleeding edge of pop culture with my distain for reality tv programming. I wish The Hangover was still relevant so I could name my team The Wolfpacks but that is SO 2009.

5. What’s the deal with Fireworks shops? Why is there so many of them and how do they make money? The roadside stands near a gas station, those I kinda get, because you could set up shop for a few weeks around the 4th of July and be done with it but these big, elaborate, permanent ones really throw me for a loop.

I’m starting to think that maybe Fireworks shops are the bodegas of the Midwest for crystal meth. Follow my logic, I am acquainted with a fair share of recreational drug users and even they don’t mess around with crystal meth. Yet I know it’s really popular because they bust crystal meth labs all the time. So where do they sell it?

Fireworks stands. They are the perfect distribution points because they are always located near highway exits in the country where they make it. And maybe all the chemicals in fireworks throw drug dogs off the scent. I think I’m really on to something here. That is good po-leece.

Or maybe I just need to fix the radio in my car so I stop thinking about this shit. My mind has been wandering more than usual on my silent commutes lately.

6. I got a new phone number. I got tired of having to explain myself and my former 608 life every time I give out my number. 920-530-6388. I feel like a small part of me has died but I am sure that will change when football season starts up again.

Earwigs. Stupid Name. Stupid Bug.

I’d like to take a moment to rant about earwigs. I hate them.

The other day, I went to put a Netflix in the mailbox and three earwigs jumped out and attacked my hand. It sent shivers down my spine in the same way that picking up dog poop in the backyard after several days of heavy rain has matted it down to the grass. It’s an unpleasant experience to say the least.

At work yesterday, I went into a five minute trance just thinking about how much I despise those little creatures. I then googled earwigs to find more ammunition to hate them. It turns out that they have the gift of flight. Well that’s…just…GREAT.

Seriously, was God bored on the eighth day and decide He wanted to get creative and make the grossest bug possible? Elongated body? Check. Hard shell to make them difficult to squish? Check. A bunch of stupid legs and antennae? Check. Wings? Sure, why not? Let’s get throw some big ass pinchers on that cocksucker too while we’re at it and call it a day.

It’s ironic because I just finished a book that made me think about bugs in a whole new perspective. SPOILER ALERT (Don’t read on Joe and/or Dude) the book is Stephen King’s latest called Under the Dome, a destined to-be classic. Essentially the story is about a small town that suddenly gets enveloped by an impenetrable glass dome. The town’s corrupt official creates a police state and everything goes to hell within a week.

It’s later revealed that the dome was created by alien kids from another dimension that were just messing around, the analogy made in the book is that it was equivalent to a bunch of kids on a playground lighting an anthill on fire with a magnifying glass, but this time the town was the anthill. It’s entirely plausible if you think about. In any case, there were only about 20 pages of about 1,080 dedicated to the sci-fi aspect; it’s more about how the town copes being cut off from society. Awesome book, great summer read.

After reading it, I thought wow, I’ll never look an anthill the same way again. I’m just going to live and let live from here on out.

But I don’t think Stephen King had earwigs in mind when he wrote Under the Dome. I think he would agree that regardless of whether or not earwigs are capable of rational thought with complex societal structures, they are just too disgusting to not get squished with a ping pong paddle when I saw one scurry across the basement floor the other day.

The Big L

Commuting from Green Bay to Appleton really sucks, not because of the distance (which, does suck) but because of the ineptitude of most drivers that use that particular corridor.

I love my Wisconsin peoples but one thing we cannot seem to grasp is the idea of using the left lane for passing only. I've traveled many places in my day and nowhere is it more prevalent to see some turd burglar crawling along at 60 mph in the left lane while some other driver is going the same speed in the right lane allowing zero cars to pass until some dutiful soul (often times myself) does the courtesy of tailgating said left lane offender until they get to the right lane where they belong or worse, pass them in the right lane.

Notice a few select words I used in the last paragraph. First, I did not insult the slow driver in the right lane because I think it is perfectly fine to drive below the speed limit, that is your God-given, American right and I would not want to infringe upon that; just stay in the right lane where you belong.

Second, getting passed in the right lane is one of the worst things that can happen to you during highway travel and should be avoided at all cost. We seriously need to make this a major social stigma; like updating your facebook status with political rhetoric or recapping a meal you just ate.

Naturally, if you are forced to pass someone in the right lane, you are obligated to give them the stink eye but sometimes that just isn't enough because if that person is dumb enough to diddle away in the left lane, then they are dumb enough to not read your subtle glares.

That's why I think we need to come up with a new hand gesture to express our displeasure with passing someone in the right lane. I think the offensiveness level should be somewhere between the middle finger and the thumbs down.

The middle finger is just too harsh, we're probably dealing with an old person i.e. someone's grandma, and I don't like the idea of my grandma or someone else’s grandma getting multiple middle fingers on the way to church. Plus I think it has to be something completely new with only one, specific connotation.

I kind of like the idea of pointing your thumb and pointer straight out with your right hand in an "L" shape in conjunction with the stink eye. The left lane offender will see a big "L" pointed at him or her and immediately think the "L" stands for "Left", as in "oh shit, I am in the LEFT lane when I my slow ass should be in the RIGHT lane. Thank you, kind sir, for that reminder, I have learned my lesson and will not repeat it."

That’s what I would think if someone shot me the Big L if I were caught napping in the left lane, not that that would ever happen but I can conceive of a scenario of me driving down Highway 41 with the cruise control on in a trance-like state, Eric Prydz' Call on Me on repeat, where maybe, just maybe, some speedster doing 85 mph would pass me on the right. After the Big L was shot at me, I would nod and salute the driver, acknowledging my mistake, and then I would promptly move over to the right lane, never to repeat the mistake again.

Imagine all the collective minutes over time we could all add on to our lives if we just followed this simple rule! Plus the reduced stress! Let’s make it happen.

On a side note, if you ever seen a jeep wrangler on the highway with the top and doors off, it is very likely that sucker couldn't go 65 mph hour even if it wanted to unless it was travelling with the wind so ease up and be kind to our safety and aerodynamic hating friends, it’s not their fault they can't keep up with the flow of traffic....as long as they stay in the right lane of course.

Class Reunion Review

I’m super bored at work right now so I’m going to take a moment to reflect upon my reunion last weekend instead of trying to figure out the market rent for Class B office space downtown.

The beginning started off iffy at best. We showed up to Sidelines an hour after its official start and it was basically a dozen or so people lethargically sitting around the bar as if a funeral were in progress.

When I ponied up to the bar, I was praying that at any second a cheesy heavy metal riff would be heard and then two average joes with Hawaiian shirts and cool shades would pop into the party with coolers of ice cold beer and yell “we know what this party needs!” and then all of a sudden bikini-clad chicks would be dancing everywhere for some reason and everyone would start miraculously having a great time like some kind of cheesy 80’s beer commercial.

Yep , things were dire initially but then a lot more people trickled in, the music got louder, shots were had, the beer started to flow like wine and it just ended up being a really fun night in the end. No startling revelations, no harbored grudges, no coveting of my more successful classmates; it was just a good time with people I haven’t seen in a long time.

I hope more people show up to the next one, I don’t think there was enough representation from the sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies, or dickheads but, oh well, I’ll cross my fingers for the 15 year reunion.

It’s weird, I remember vividly thinking in high school that my 10 year reunion was going to be a really big deal and that all the choices I made in school were someday going to really pay off at that particular point in time. Well the jury is still out on some of those choices but I know now that setting objectives towards an arbitrary date 10 years into the future is a pretty dumb way to measure a goal. Remind me to tell my future kids that lesson. Nevermind, I’m sure they won’t listen.

If I had to make one suggestion for next time, I would make awards for the attendees. For example, if there was a prize for the most drunk attendee, I would have to award that to…nah, I can’t say it, I’m going to take the high road here, after all I am a mature adult ten years out of high school. I’ll keep my opinions to myself.

Ok, if you must know, I’ll give you a hint, I won’t say their last name but it rhymes with “fails”.

Double Play Tuesday: Wednesday Addition

I swear this is the last post from me for awhile. I just figure going through all this film footage over the past week is going to be completely irrelevent again for another 10 years after this weekend so I might as well get it all out there before the reunion.

The source material from all of the youtube clips posted over the last few days come from a few movies I made when I was in 8th grade, my Speech I Video, Altmann's Speech I Video, an assignment from Mass Media class, an assignment for German class, and an assignment for English class.

I know I probably got carried away with all this but I haven't had this much fun goofing around since creating my first hypercard stack after a session of apprehending that elusive Carmen Sandiego in the old computer lab at Parkview.

The best part about this next video is the bit where Greg filmed a bunch of people wearing 3-D glasses. Greg had incredible foresight to capture this footage back in the day. Let me be the first to tell you that you will never hear the words "greg" and "foresight" uttered in the same sentence ever again; need I remind everyone of the ATM incident of Winter 2010.

A few stray observations:

1. Please don't look for any cohesion or unifying theme in the following clip; just a bunch of people doing random things.

2. Joe Barrie and/or Woody could host a talk show today and I would watch it.

3. Somebody notify the Academy about my tear-jerking performance in Preppy Massacre. I haven't seen better acting since Brett Favre chewed the scenery in There's Something About Mary.

4. I'm not sure if we were really making fun of Servais or if it was for a class project.

5. I can't believe I got Antonio Freeman to be in my videos. Wait, maybe that was Ding. I can't really tell.

Ok, that's all I got. Sorry if you didn't see yourself, I had limited materials to work with and I tried to get everybody I could. Laters.

Montage Monday: Tuesday Edition

It's less than a week to go before the Ashwaubenon Class of 2000 gets together for...sigh...our 10 Year class reunion. It seems like it was only yesterday when we used to cruise around town aimlessly, looking for shit to do on the weekend.

Man, have things changed. Like this last Saturday...I...cruised around town aimlessly looking for shit to do.

Well some things may never change but I certainly look forward to seeing my old friends this weekend and drinking some beer. If you see me at Sidelines this Saturday, don't be afraid to come up to me to talk about Brain Litter. It's my favorite subject.

That being said, I got a couple of clips coming up that should provide some social lubricant between the awkward name forgetting and the stifling conversation disconnects between the "married with kids" people and the "people that haven't grown up at all yet" people.

Here is a montage of some of my greatest bits over the years when I was a young autuer. I highly recommend viewing this with the volume turned up. I know it's totally cliche but nothing really beats the 1812 Overture for good montage music.

Seriously, this thing ain't that funny without the volume.

Attack of the Ninja Alien

I bought a new Mac about a month ago because those clever Justin Long commercials finally got the best of me so now I am officially a cool, sensible Mac guy. I thought it would be an easy transition because Apple builds all their stuff so intuitively but it has been a rough start so far. In an effort to stream line their keyboard, they have eliminated some of my favorite buttons and moved them too close together which has been a frustrating ordeal to say the least.

But one thing those geeks at Apple have nailed is iMovie. Getting my old VHS tapes transferred to my computer was an arduous task but once I got them on there, I felt like a young Scorsese or a young Spielberg or even a young McG. I can only imagine the movies I would have made back in the day if I had access to this technology.

The closest thing I had to piecing together movie clips was doing a single take, stopping, then taping the tv screen of a different clip I wanted, stopping, and then resuming whatever nonsense I was filming at the time. It was bootleg but it got the job done. Now the editing is just click and drag. It could not be any easier.

For your viewing enjoyment, in a Brain Litter segment I like to call “Shit I Made With a Crappy Video Camera Before I Discovered Girls,” I present to you Attack of the Ninja Aliens.



Some of you may remember this video when it debuted in Ms. Prevost homeroom in 1996. The original version had no sound except for my mom yelling for Doogie at the end credits but I added sound effects to this version to complete the original vision that I started with. I tried to remain faithful to the mentality I had at the time. I asked myself questions like, “Would 8th grade Ben approve of a popping cork sound when the alien bites the head off the lego guy?”

The answer is a resolute yes. A thousand times yes.

Now before you cry foul and get all George Lucas on me for altering a classic piece of cinema, please be reminded that I totally would have added these sound effects if I had the means at the time. Also, I did not make Greedo shoot first and Jar Jar Binks is nowhere to be found in this film.

I’ve got a couple other videos that are going to make perfect additions to this new Brain Litter segment. If you were concerned that there weren’t enough people falling down the stairs in this last bit, rest assured, a montage will be coming to a future blog post near you.

Oh. And in case you were hankering for a futuristic version of Romeo and Juliet Act III Scene 1, a remake of the Tom Green Show starring Joe Barrie, or choreographed fight sequences from dudes who can teleport, then yup, you are soon to be in luck.

Sack Tappings: Public Epidemic or Really Fun Way to Pass the Time?

Extra! Extra! Todd Smells!

I’m sure you probably already knew that. But what I bet you DIDN’T know is that sack tapping amongst teenagers is on the rise. Don’t believe this me? Check it.

Injuries for "sack-tapping" on the rise, Doctors say.

I’ve got a lot to say on the subject of sack tapping.

First, sack tapping is a time honored tradition right up there with atomic wedgies, pitching somebody’s tricep-area arm fat to leave a big bruise, and getting bubble gum mashed into your hair and periodically having your pads thrown out of a backseat window on North Road while driving to football practice. These ancient rituals are a proven method to prepare boys for the real world.

Second, if you can think of a better way to punish the loser of a round of hacky sack then I would heh heh heh certainly like to hear it.

Third, don’t call it “groin-punching” because that makes it sound lame and it takes away all the fun. Acceptable names besides sack tapping are as follows: sack attacking, sack slapping, testicle tapping, nut knocking, roshambo, cup checks, or goosing (if getting sack attacked from behind).

Fourth, the article is bunk. If anything, instances of sack tapping are dangerously low. The accompanying pie chart in the article is a perfect illustration. Almost 70% of urologists are NOT reporting sack tappings. That is scary. What are these quacks doing if they are not treating sack attacks. Pulverizing Kidney stones!? Yeah right.

Fifth, there are positive signs that instances of sack tapping may turn around in the foreseeable future. I have extrapolated the emergency room data mentioned in the article between 2007 and 2009. The average increase year over year is 21% which should get us to healthy amount of sack tappings by 2030, God willing.



Sixth, this has nothing to do with the article but I found a wallet last night on the sidewalk downtown and I hoping someone would claim it. I took a picture and it’s posted below, you just have to scroll down because there is something wrong with my Google Blogger. The page breaks are all messed up…


































































BAM! Got you, sucker! You know what to do next…

Shout Outs to people, LOST and Shout Outs to LOST -

OK, this is going to be combo post dedicated to both LOST and to an official new Brain Litter policy where I’m going to give shout outs to anyone that gives me a compliment about my blog, because I have a big ego and it makes me feel damn good when someone says they enjoy my writing and I want to encourage that kind of behavior when I’m out and about.

For instance, I was talking to MICHELLE STEFENS the other night and she gave me a real nice compliment about how she once printed off a post to show a co-worker my ideas for Facebook relationship updates. I told her I would express my gratitude by having her Brain Littered with capital letters and a bold font.

Again, I was talking to VANG the other week at Cropseys and he too told me that he really likes my blog, especially the high school reminiscing I get into sometimes. So, to return the favor, I want to post this sexy picture of him from this one time we went up north.


The caption for this photo is “Sexy Vang SMOLDERS after presumably, a long, passionate night of love making. Sorry ladies, this side of beef is no longer on the market”.

See how this works?

ERIC KIVI gets one, too, he’s a long time reader, long time complimentor. Unfortunately, I do not have sexy photos of him I can post from high school. At least I did not put him at the nerd table on my middle school map of the lunchroom so I guess that is something to be happy about.

I wish Vanlieshout would compliment me more because I have LOT’s of good photos of him. Like this one.



Being roommates freshmen year does have its advantages, I must say. This picture must have been very important because this was taken before the digital camera heyday where you actually had to spend money to have something like this developed and then scanned onto a computer.

Okay, on to LOST.

I’m starting to like the finale a lot more now that I think about. I wish the show had a more ambiguous ending so it could be interpreted in different ways, but the ending was pretty cut and dry. Everyone lived happily ever after, and I guess I’m okay with that. I liked all the characters on the show and I like that they all got a shot at redemption so they could rest peacefully in the afterlife. We should all be so lucky. It would also be nice to have a cute yellow lab at my side when I realize the final truth. That’s the way to go.

I found myself spending a lot of time reading other people’s reviews and observations these past few weeks. I have devoted a lot of time and thought to LOST and I don’t want to say goodbye to it just yet. Between The Wire and LOST, these were easily the best two dramas of the last decade.

But I’m sure I will find something else to occupy my time. That Pawn Stars is pretty good. It will do for now.

I Don't Understand Porn for Women

So I recently read this article on MSN that said that pornography use among women has spiked in recent years and that support groups are forming all over the country to help women deal with porn addiction.

This made me really curious. What constitutes porn for women? It can’t be the same stuff guys like because the stuff guys like is misogynistic, devoid of emotion, and completely out of touch with reality. So I did some homework, adjusted my Netflix queue, and finally viewed some hardcore XXX women’s pornography last night.

I didn’t care for it. New Moon was rife with terrible acting, even more terrible special FX, it was super boring, it didn’t even make sense, and there wasn’t nearly enough sequences of vampires playing baseball. All and all, I give it six thumbs down.

Maybe I have to give the benefit of the doubt that the Twilight books are vastly superior to the films because it’s pretty much impossible to mess up the source material. Who doesn’t love vampires? They are attractive, possess superhuman abilities, they party all night, and they live forever. I get it. That’s cool.

I just can’t understand the appeal these particular movies have on teenage girls, their moms, and not teenage girls. Approximately 50% of the running time was devoted to people soulfully staring into each other’s eyes, another 40% was devoted to dudes not wearing shirts, and the rest was tensionless scenes of CGI cartoons fighting each other.

And why does everyone like Bella so much!? Sure, I wouldn’t kick Kristen Stewart out of bed, but it’s perplexing why everyone fusses about her so much. Her character’s total lack of charm and charisma is like a black hole in the center of the screen, she just sucks the fun right out of the room.

To me, all this sounds like a recipe for disaster but the numbers at the box office prove otherwise. I guess women’s porn is here to stay. When I complete my script for Jumping the Shark, I will be sure to incorporate a scene where a character stares out the window and emotes for ten minutes, in order to appeal to the ladies.

Oh snap, I just had a better idea. I’ll cast that tool Justin Bieber as a shirtless, singing vampire, and have him in there for some reason for ten minutes. Damn I should have been a producer! That, my friends, is what you call box office gold.



"Hey, want to go tanning?" Nope. "Want to smile at any point during this movie" Nope. "Want to keep staring at each other" Yep.