Wheel of Misfortune

This last weekend was pleasant yet unremarkable. I spent some quality time with the gf which included a screening of Eclipse which was easily the least God-awful of the Twilight movies to date. But that may be due to the fact that there was a blindingly bright exit sign adjacent to the screen at the De Pere Cinema Café that diverted my attention away from K.Stew’s or T. Laut’s inability to act or express any emotion whatsoever on the big screen, which in my opinion, probably helped the movie. In any case, it will be my turn to pick the next movie so I hope Jess is excited to see the new TRON.

The most exciting thing to take place last weekend was our tryouts to be on Wheel of Fortune. The Wheel of Fortune mystery bus travelled through Green Bay last Friday to find contestants for the show. The setup was like this; you filled out an application, then they randomly selected names to play a mock game on stage. Every person that got picked had to do a brief interview on stage with Marty, the mock host, at which point they played one puzzle and competed for door prizes. They crammed in as many people as they could for an hour.

The idea is that they were looking for exciting, interesting locals to be contestants on the show, hence the short interview. It did not matter if you solved the puzzle or not. The most interesting people would get selected for another audition in Wisconsin, and then finally/hopefully be an actual player on the show in California.

It was clear within about 5 minutes that the audience did NOT grasp this concept. Marty started every interview with “tell me something interesting about yourself.” The universal response was a mumbled “I worked at this place or have been retired for x many years, been married for y many years, and have z amount of children.” The other common response interest was a love for the Green Bay Packers.

First, that’s great that you’re married and have kids, that is arguably way more important than anything going on in my life, but the idea was to say something interesting to separate yourself from the herd. Secondly, no shit you love the Packers. Everybody in Green Bay loves the Packers.

The only original interview came from this 85 year old guy, who was visibly confused and didn’t know where he was. He was by far the most memorable because Marty had to ask him three different times if he was ready to play Wheel of Fortune where he eventually shrugged yes and shuffled off to the rest of the contestants. I can’t wait for dementia to kick in for me, it looks like a real hoot.

I was so pissed they didn’t call my name. I had the perfect setup in mind. First I would talk about my undefeated kickball team, then I would mention my expertise in Wheel of Fortune from my hours of practice from playing the 1992 Super Nintendo version, and then finally mention my dog named Cheese.

Marty would say, “That’s’ a funny name, how did you pick that?” Then I’d say that I wanted a Wisconsin specific name, but naming him Beer Belly just sounded cruel. Buh dum pish! Cue audience laughter annnnnnnnnnd that’s a wrap. Get this guy on the show asap.

I would have made a hell of a contestant. I envisioned me and Pat Sajak going out for beers after the show, I really think we would have that kind of rapport. But my name was never called and therefore I am forced to use my great jokes in this blog instead of for cash money prizes. Bummer, maybe next year.

What? What? We're Undefeated That's What. In The Butt.

It’s ten past midnight and I can’t sleep. I’m too excited.

What? What? In The Butt just capped off the regular season UNDEFEATED. What is even more impressive is that we have shut out 4 of our last 6 opponents in an epic battle for a first place seed in the upcoming championship playoffs.

These victories did not come cheap. These victories cost us a broken finger, two season ending ankle injuries, one horribly scabbed knee, the relationship with my girlfriend almost, countless bumps and bruises, lot’s of blood, sweat and tears, and there was a $340 entry fee.

Was it worth it? Absolutely. Do I think it’s dorky to ask myself rhetorical questions in blog form? Not at all.

If you saw the Lynn Swann-like catch by Matt Pearson in right field tonight, you would totally understand. If you saw Greg Altmann playing like a young Todd Zeile at third base, you would totally understand. If you saw all the ladies tonight collectively rack up a higher batting average than the dudes tonight, you would totally understand.

PS all our ladies tagged up properly tonight, can’t say the same for some of the dudes on the other team.

Now I don’t want to say that my coaching was ALL of the reason we went undefeated this season but it’s pretty close. My expertly drafted batting orders, strategic field positioning, and charismatic leadership is probably responsible for at least 86% of our victories but that’s only a guesstimate.

Knock on wood, I shouldn’t have written that last paragraph. I don’t want to jinx the team. I already took a gamble by not benching my starters and letting them rest this last game when we were already locked into the playoffs.

But then again, the Colts had a shot at immortality and they blew it along with their momentum going into the playoffs last year. Those who do not study history are doomed to repeat it. Once again, we circle back to the awesome coaching mentioned earlier.

If you are a reader of this blog and the owner of a professional kickball team and seeking new management, you know how to reach me. Ditto if you are NFL team owner. Unless you own the Buffalo Bills, then I’m not interested.

Ok all, I’ll be sure to give you an update as the playoffs progress. We have a bye week next week (apparently there was a damn near mutiny in the league last year when they tried to schedule league play during the Packer Viking MNF game) and then round 1. The timing is perfect, it will give me several weeks to crash diet in the event that my team wishes to hoist me on their shoulders in victory like that lovable Rudy.

Kevin Kolb. Does anyone know how to pronounce this guy's last name?

I’ve never been more excited for a football season since forever. I can’t explain it. I don’t whether it’s because of the hype surrounding the Packers Super Bowl prospects or because of my sweet fantasy football drafts, or because I love gambling on football but one thing is for certain, I am pacing around the house as we speak waiting for the Packers to trounce the Eagles and I’m loving every minute of it.

I know I sound like a broken record but fantasy football seriously changed my life. Conversations with me about football before Fantasy Football primarily consisted of me debating if Favre played a great game or merely a very good one. I could care less about any other game going on in the league.

But since I started playing fantasy football about four years ago, I’ve got a ravenous appetite for insider knowledge to give me a leg up on my ff playing brethren. Now you’re more likely to debate the pronunciation of Philly QB Kevin Kolb’s last name and whether he merits to start in a ff fantasy football line up with me rather than your typical Packer banter.

Is it pronounced like Cob or like rhymes with Bulb? No one knows. It’s a big secret apparently. Either way, it was a heavily debated topic the other night at Anduzzi’s which soon delved into whether or not Kevin Kolb looks like me from a side angle.

Which he does FYI.

Another thing that boosted my love of football is buying numbers at Cropsey’s. Numbers are the best form of gambling ever. Any game with numbers involved is no different that sitting at a slot machine. Your numbers are up, you experience a high, someone misses a field goal or something, your numbers are off and you experience the low. Ups and downs, wins and losses, the same brain chemicals are at work, the only difference is you can watch an exciting football at the same time and you don’t have to sit next to some hacking, chain smoking grandma for three hours. Bonus.

You also have some form of control with numbers. I can count numerous instances where I’ve mentally channeled Aaron Rodgers and willed the offense to get a quick score in before half time in order to win some bucks. I did that like three times last season alone. Trying doing that with a slot machine. It doesn’t work.

Lastly, the Packers are a hot Super Bowl pick and Brett Favre is still playing, all perfect recipes for an exciting NFL season. But if I can make a suggestion, I think we should all collectively not mention the Packers and the Super Bowl any more until we actually get there. It seems like every hyped team in the NFL preseason has never actually made it to the Super Bowl, it’s usually always a sleeper and the stupid Colts so let’s just all calm down a little bit and enjoy the season and not jinx our awesome team this year.



We all agreed last Friday that Kevin Kolb is like a younger, older looking version of me with similar shitty facial hair growing abilities and inferior quarterbacking skills.

I'm engaged...

…to 1943 Sandy Springs Road, DePere, WI. Well, Town of Lawrence technically, just north of the Highland Ridge golf course. In any case, the consummation is scheduled for the end of the month at which point I will be married to this location for the long, unforeseeable future.

Marriage is a lot like buying a house. You are pretty much saying, I’m not going to stray on you, municipality, I’m here for you for the long term. With commitment comes stability, a sense of community, pride of ownership, and most importantly, you won’t have to pack and move as much and I HATE packing and moving almost as much as I hate pennies, earwigs, and Packer bye weeks.

The downside of getting married/buying a house is that you also lose your freedom, which is scary for anybody, especially in this economy. You can’t chase new job opportunities, or conversely, your job choices are way narrower if you are stuck in one location. Plus property taxes are a bitch.

Sure, you can always cheat. I cheated on my old ball and chain in Madison when I temporarily moved into that hussy of an apartment in Los Angeles last year. I had my reasons though. My house wanted to leak in the basement during heavy rain. I DIDN’T want it to do that. It resulted in a three year, bitter entanglement going through multiple realtors before we were finally able to divorce.

That was a bittersweet day for me. Despite our differences over the years, I only remember the good times. [Tear].

The place I am getting now is kind of like hooking up with a super hot chick way out of my league because I pounced on her while she was crying at the bar because her way more successful, douche bag boyfriend just dumped her a few hours ago i.e. I’m getting a foreclosed property. With enough time, said super hot chick would find another more successful boyfriend to be with, but my timing was better and I picked her up when her self esteem was at a temporary all-time low. Hoorah for me, I’m like that Keith Stone guy.

My only hang up is that there is a musty smell throughout the house. In other words, my baby might have a Chlamydia infection. The doctor/home inspector is checking it out on Tuesday, if there is clean bill of health, I’m going to boat this bass.

I really like this house. It’s a got a big ol’ round, beautiful backyard, just the way I like em’. Feel free to interpret that last sentence any way you want.

Okay, so wish me luck, this is going to be a big month for me. Hopefully all goes well, and I can have a reception aka a house warming party soon. Full kegger.



My bride to be. I hope everything works out for us but I'm not worried. Like a lot of men, if I start making more money, I can always trade for something younger and better looking.

For Hire: Me as your Fantasy Football Draft Emcee

Oh man did you see that Packer game last night!? Minus the first Colts possession, the Pack looked undefeatable last night. When you get Peyton Manning pouting in the 1st half, you know you’ve done something right.

And our third string looks AWESOME which is good news in case during the Super Bowl this year (which we inevitably will get to) there’s a scenario where both teams’ 1st and 2nd strings are decimated by injury for some reason. We should still be good shape to bring home the Lombardi trophy. I just hope Kregg Lumpkin is at 100%.

Another thing that was done right was me drafting my Fantasy Football line up this week. This was the first time I ever got to pick first in the draft, which was really exciting for me. Well, technically I got to pick second but I believe Chris Johnson and Adrian Peterson are interchangeable, and both equivalent to a first round pick.

Despite my brimming confidence this year, I can’t help but notice the sharp decline in football acumen I’ve lost ever since I got employed and stopped watching ESPN for three hours every day. What do you mean Vincent Jackson is suspended for three games and holding out on his contract with San Diego!?!? Why didn’t you tell me that, ESPN player ranking thing!?!? Why did you keep it a secret!?!?

That’s okay though actually, I like to go after players with high risks and high rewards. Questionable injuries, advanced ages, unproven rookies…a fantasy football wimp craves not these things.

But I do. This is where you can find real value in a draft. Or fall flat on your face and limp into last place. I’m riding the VJ, Donald Driver, and Michael Crabtree train to either winnerville or losertown and Sidney Rice is the conductor. Choo! Choo!

FYI I would have taken Brett Favre to complete the boom or bust method but Tom Brady came my way and dammit all if I don’t think that new unbridled mane of his is going to be good for 70+ touchdowns this year. It’s almost enough to compete with Aaron Rodger’s 80+ touchdown dirty beard.

The draft was not only successful because of my line up but the hosting and commissioning of my league has never been better. Minus the two guys that missed the draft because I had the wrong email in their account. But other than that, I’m in top form.

You should have read all the hilarious comments I wrote on the message board during the draft. I haven’t laughed so hard at my own jokes in a long time. Like hours, maybe DAYS even.

I went with some tried and true ff material like mock-seriously asking if a recently retired player was still available (this year I went with Martin “Automatica” Grammatica) to referencing some obscure quotes from The State and Wayne’s World 2. My Pete Rose joke is fast becoming a time honored tradition.

I only wish the ESPN draft center would keep more stats that people care about. Like how long into the draft before the first “your mom” joke. (43 minutes…nobody seems to like Tight Ends. Your mom likes Tight Ends). Or how many times someone instantly responds to someone’s pick with simply "FAIL" even though you were cursing to yourself that you didn’t get him first. These would all be good things to know in order to improve on the next years draft.

Summer Movie Round Up 2010

Let’s see here…Inception was cool. That’s about it.

This post should be called the Summer of Weak Sauce 2010.

To be fair, the summer blockbuster schedule started off pretty good with Iron Man 2. It wasn’t great; it pretty much coasted on the charisma of Robert Downey Jr., but it was good, a perfect appetizer in May to get things going for the summer.

But the meat and potatoes of the summer mindless fun usually begins around mid June and culminates into some major badassery in July, a good comedy in late July for dessert, followed by the table scraps served up in late August. See the Expendables for an example on table scraps.

Again, back to Inception, that was a great flick, a helluva flick; totally original, thought provoking, a brain melting good time all around.

But it was NOT a summer movie. Inception is a course best served in late November/early December, where you immediately want to go to Barnes and Noble and have a hot cup of coffee and talk about it with your friends and read weird theories and Oscar buzz about it in the periodicals section.

A good summer movie is one where you want to give chest bumps to the other patrons as they are walking out of the theatre and then go have a beer and bask in the spectacle. There was none of that thus far. I think Scott Pilgrim Against the World has potential and thankfully Machete is just around the corner to salvage the summer but God help me if those films fail to satisfy my appetite.

Totally going off topic here, but I read an article today about how Return of the Jedi was originally supposed to have a bittersweet ending with Han Solo dying, the rebels left in tatters, and Luke riding off alone into the sunset but this ending was scrapped by George Lucas for the sole purpose of selling more toys. Now people hate him more than ever, even more so than after the releases of Episodes 1, 2, and 3.

George Lucas is like the Weezer of motion pictures. He gave the world this beautiful, beautiful gift and then proceeded to destroy every last remainder of goodwill through a cascading series of poor decisions to the point where his original accomplishment is all but forgotten. Come to think it, he’s kind of like Brett Favre.

Wait no, Favre is like the Weezer of football, and playing for the Vikings is like the album Make Believe.

You know what, I could do this all day. But for me, I still love the original Star Wars trilogy (and can even tolerate the Ewoks i.e. Maladroit), Brett Favre, and Weezer and NOTHING these dumbasses do going forward will sully their original accomplishments in my eyes.

All I really want is to see is one traditional kickass summer flick before football season starts and I stop caring. That’s my whole point, sorry it took like 12 paragraphs to get there.

Also, I would like to filmmakers to stop using CGI and go back to animatronics and puppets and also, I wish they would stop making those God awful spoof movies. Vampires don’t Suck. Producers who greenlight that tripe Suck.


They just don't make 'em like they used to. Gummy Bears! Gummy Bears! Sprinkles! Sprinkles!

The Keys to Kball

As many of you have gathered from my recent Facebook updates, I will be commanding an elite squadron of athletes for the forthcoming 2010 Green Bay Park and Rec Kickball League.

If you didn’t get the memo, I was toying with the idea of calling our team The Situation in honor of everyone’s favorite Guido but it just didn’t feel right and coming up with a team name is important, arguably the most crucial aspect of having a productive kickball season.

I’m not kidding. You show me a championship kickball team and I’ll show you a cohesive group of kids rallying behind a clever euphemism of the word “balls”.

And they will have matching t-shirts. That’s the other key ingredient. Matching t-shirts.

But we got both aspects covered. Greg proposed What? What? In the Butt and I immediately fell in love with the name. It’s got a catchy beat and it’s culturally relevant. Well I thought it was. Apparently the song is like three years old but it’s new to me so back off!

Shenanigans is sponsoring our team and supplying t-shirts. Mega.

The third component of creating a championship kickball team is coaching. That’s where its Benny’s time to shine.

After studying a variety of different managing strategies, I’ve decided to adopt a blend between famed Oakland A’s manager Billy Beane and legendary player, recently sacked, Argentina national team manager Diego Maradona.

On the one hand, Billy Beane’s use of sabermetrics greatly appeals to my love of spreadsheets and statistics, exploiting patterns in cold hard data against conventional wisdom to minimize outs and maximize runs scored.

More importantly, I really like the idea of having this conversation.

“Sorry, Greg, I have to put in a pitch hitter for you. Your On-Base Plus Slugging percentage tends to rapidly deteriorate after your third Busch Light.”

But more likely, I will adopt the Diego Maradona style of coaching where I will simply let my best players run wild all over the field and deflect any criticism if we happen to lose with wild and erratic off-field behavior like partying so hard as to make Keith Richards blush or repeatedly refusing to take phone calls from the president of the country.

This is by far the simplest (and most fun) coaching style but a lack of on-field discipline can lead to things like this. I’ll take my chances.

The fourth key component is getting everybody to understand the concept of tagging up. See this post for details. It’s still as timely as ever.

All this typing is getting me really excited. I live for kickball. I once hit 5 home runs in one game once. True story. Ask my old roommate, Pat. He was there. I know no one else is going to believe me.

Random Thoughts on a Random Day 7.27.10

I don’t have anything super great to comment on this week so I think I’ll just leave you all with a couple of thought provoking nuggets of Brain Litter that don’t warrant a dedicated post.

1. I’ve got the perfect idea for a sequel to Inception. Check this. It’s about a dream within a dream within a dream within a dream. Within in a dream….wait for it…Within a dream. Whoa.

2. I know it’s hip right now to hate the show Entourage but the focus of last week’s plot was a Ping Pong match between Drama and Uncle Jesse from Full House. If that’s not good TV, I don’t know what is.

3. Speaking of Ping Pong, here is a pictorial update from the front lines of Man Pong.



4. I’m thinking of naming my kick ball team “The Situation” but it’s tearing me up inside. The unpleasantness is caused from the hypocrisy of balancing my need to be on the bleeding edge of pop culture with my distain for reality tv programming. I wish The Hangover was still relevant so I could name my team The Wolfpacks but that is SO 2009.

5. What’s the deal with Fireworks shops? Why is there so many of them and how do they make money? The roadside stands near a gas station, those I kinda get, because you could set up shop for a few weeks around the 4th of July and be done with it but these big, elaborate, permanent ones really throw me for a loop.

I’m starting to think that maybe Fireworks shops are the bodegas of the Midwest for crystal meth. Follow my logic, I am acquainted with a fair share of recreational drug users and even they don’t mess around with crystal meth. Yet I know it’s really popular because they bust crystal meth labs all the time. So where do they sell it?

Fireworks stands. They are the perfect distribution points because they are always located near highway exits in the country where they make it. And maybe all the chemicals in fireworks throw drug dogs off the scent. I think I’m really on to something here. That is good po-leece.

Or maybe I just need to fix the radio in my car so I stop thinking about this shit. My mind has been wandering more than usual on my silent commutes lately.

6. I got a new phone number. I got tired of having to explain myself and my former 608 life every time I give out my number. 920-530-6388. I feel like a small part of me has died but I am sure that will change when football season starts up again.

Earwigs. Stupid Name. Stupid Bug.

I’d like to take a moment to rant about earwigs. I hate them.

The other day, I went to put a Netflix in the mailbox and three earwigs jumped out and attacked my hand. It sent shivers down my spine in the same way that picking up dog poop in the backyard after several days of heavy rain has matted it down to the grass. It’s an unpleasant experience to say the least.

At work yesterday, I went into a five minute trance just thinking about how much I despise those little creatures. I then googled earwigs to find more ammunition to hate them. It turns out that they have the gift of flight. Well that’s…just…GREAT.

Seriously, was God bored on the eighth day and decide He wanted to get creative and make the grossest bug possible? Elongated body? Check. Hard shell to make them difficult to squish? Check. A bunch of stupid legs and antennae? Check. Wings? Sure, why not? Let’s get throw some big ass pinchers on that cocksucker too while we’re at it and call it a day.

It’s ironic because I just finished a book that made me think about bugs in a whole new perspective. SPOILER ALERT (Don’t read on Joe and/or Dude) the book is Stephen King’s latest called Under the Dome, a destined to-be classic. Essentially the story is about a small town that suddenly gets enveloped by an impenetrable glass dome. The town’s corrupt official creates a police state and everything goes to hell within a week.

It’s later revealed that the dome was created by alien kids from another dimension that were just messing around, the analogy made in the book is that it was equivalent to a bunch of kids on a playground lighting an anthill on fire with a magnifying glass, but this time the town was the anthill. It’s entirely plausible if you think about. In any case, there were only about 20 pages of about 1,080 dedicated to the sci-fi aspect; it’s more about how the town copes being cut off from society. Awesome book, great summer read.

After reading it, I thought wow, I’ll never look an anthill the same way again. I’m just going to live and let live from here on out.

But I don’t think Stephen King had earwigs in mind when he wrote Under the Dome. I think he would agree that regardless of whether or not earwigs are capable of rational thought with complex societal structures, they are just too disgusting to not get squished with a ping pong paddle when I saw one scurry across the basement floor the other day.

The Big L

Commuting from Green Bay to Appleton really sucks, not because of the distance (which, does suck) but because of the ineptitude of most drivers that use that particular corridor.

I love my Wisconsin peoples but one thing we cannot seem to grasp is the idea of using the left lane for passing only. I've traveled many places in my day and nowhere is it more prevalent to see some turd burglar crawling along at 60 mph in the left lane while some other driver is going the same speed in the right lane allowing zero cars to pass until some dutiful soul (often times myself) does the courtesy of tailgating said left lane offender until they get to the right lane where they belong or worse, pass them in the right lane.

Notice a few select words I used in the last paragraph. First, I did not insult the slow driver in the right lane because I think it is perfectly fine to drive below the speed limit, that is your God-given, American right and I would not want to infringe upon that; just stay in the right lane where you belong.

Second, getting passed in the right lane is one of the worst things that can happen to you during highway travel and should be avoided at all cost. We seriously need to make this a major social stigma; like updating your facebook status with political rhetoric or recapping a meal you just ate.

Naturally, if you are forced to pass someone in the right lane, you are obligated to give them the stink eye but sometimes that just isn't enough because if that person is dumb enough to diddle away in the left lane, then they are dumb enough to not read your subtle glares.

That's why I think we need to come up with a new hand gesture to express our displeasure with passing someone in the right lane. I think the offensiveness level should be somewhere between the middle finger and the thumbs down.

The middle finger is just too harsh, we're probably dealing with an old person i.e. someone's grandma, and I don't like the idea of my grandma or someone else’s grandma getting multiple middle fingers on the way to church. Plus I think it has to be something completely new with only one, specific connotation.

I kind of like the idea of pointing your thumb and pointer straight out with your right hand in an "L" shape in conjunction with the stink eye. The left lane offender will see a big "L" pointed at him or her and immediately think the "L" stands for "Left", as in "oh shit, I am in the LEFT lane when I my slow ass should be in the RIGHT lane. Thank you, kind sir, for that reminder, I have learned my lesson and will not repeat it."

That’s what I would think if someone shot me the Big L if I were caught napping in the left lane, not that that would ever happen but I can conceive of a scenario of me driving down Highway 41 with the cruise control on in a trance-like state, Eric Prydz' Call on Me on repeat, where maybe, just maybe, some speedster doing 85 mph would pass me on the right. After the Big L was shot at me, I would nod and salute the driver, acknowledging my mistake, and then I would promptly move over to the right lane, never to repeat the mistake again.

Imagine all the collective minutes over time we could all add on to our lives if we just followed this simple rule! Plus the reduced stress! Let’s make it happen.

On a side note, if you ever seen a jeep wrangler on the highway with the top and doors off, it is very likely that sucker couldn't go 65 mph hour even if it wanted to unless it was travelling with the wind so ease up and be kind to our safety and aerodynamic hating friends, it’s not their fault they can't keep up with the flow of traffic....as long as they stay in the right lane of course.